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An offline discussion
It recently occurred to me that there are many cliché phrases that float around the office like a nasty virus from Hong Kong. Some of the clichés that came to mind are fairly new, but others have been on the scene longer than the Rolling Stones. Below is a user’s guide on several that I’ve heard during my short yet illustrious career.
“Let’s take this offline”
Without fail, every time I find myself in a meeting, some jackass utters this phrase. Tom in accounting will be droning on about revenue projections. Suddenly some VP who sounds like he has a megaphone bolted to his mouth will bring things to a halt by saying, “Tom, I think we need to take this discussion offline.” Apparently during the meeting we are “online.” Although if we really were, I wouldn’t have even noticed what was going on because I would be too busy writing emails to my friends’ about how drunk I was the night before. What “offline” really means for working stiffs like us is that the topic of discussion is too important to discuss in front of our sorry asses. Just once, I’d like to hear someone say, “Bill, shut your fat mouth and let’s talk about this later when the peons aren’t in the room”
“We’re putting this project on ice”
A long-time favorite of mine, this is a great way to avoid looking like a slacker who can’t finish a simple Powerpoint presentation with bulletpoints containing the latest nonsensical buzzwords.
“I needed that report five minutes ago”
We’ve all had a boss who sees everything relating to work being extremely urgent. Whether it’s getting that report on his desk by 8am, or rushing to the restroom after a spicy Thai lunch, it’s friggin urgent. Inevitably, I’ll be chilling at my desk watching some homeless guy taking a dump in the alley across the street, and suddenly, I’ll feel a tap on my shoulder and behind me will be the VP of Marketing with a big shit-eating grin on his face. “Where the hell is that OPR report? I needed that bad boy five minutes ago!” I’ve always felt the urge to be a smart ass and tell him that if he needed it five minutes ago, he should have asked me five minutes ago. Since I still need the paycheck and don’t see myself winning the Lotto anytime soon, I stifle my natural instinct and tell him that I’ll get it to him ASAP. Using “ASAP” always seems to convey that I understand the urgency of the situation.
“There must be some disconnect here”
A favorite of an old boss, he would often say this when the end of the month was fast approaching and no one on my team was close to hitting quota. Another variation on this would be “I don’t think we’re on the same page.” This was probably true, since the goal of most of my colleagues at the time was to make as much money as possible with as little effort as possible. The “disconnect,” as he liked to put it, was that we saw no “value” in the retard team building games that he wanted us to play. If I wanted to play games, I would have kept flunking kindergarten.
“Let’s put this baby to bed”
It’s always some dork who uses this cliché at the end of a meeting. He’s also the guy who will send out pictures of his newborn baby to the entire company. One picture would be ok, but this amateur Ansel Adams sends out the entire 256MB memory card with two hundred different pictures of Junior in his crib. While he’s at work, the project is his “baby.” He’ll send out emails warning us not to mess around with his folder on the shared network drive. Each day brings yet another “status update” meeting where he feels the need to tell the entire company he was at the office until 2am and is running on two hours of sleep. Although I’m sure he expects us to feel bad for him, all I can think about how I am glad I didn’t major in computer science in college.
“Onward and upward”
Whenever anything bad happens, some smug SOB will go around using this motivational cliché. We’ll all get an email informing us that “John is leaving the company to pursue other interests. We wish him the best.” We all know the email is complete bullshit. I’ve often been tempted to click “Reply to All” and ask if those “interests” include collecting unemployment checks and reading Solider of Fortune magazine. Of course, if I did that, I would soon be leaving the company to pursue “other interests” as well.
Look how hard we're working now!
“I’ve got a lot on my plate”
The people who say this often look like they put too much food on their plate, but in reality they are referring to their ever-expanding workload and not their ever-expanding waistline. I do, however, think some sort of physics equation can be derived to show that the two correlate.
“We work hard and play hard”
I first heard this one a few years back when I was interviewing for my first job. Being the dumb fuck that I was at the time, I took it to mean that they encouraged their employees to have a life outside of work. In reality, what they meant was that they expected you to be in the office for a minimum of twelve hours and then go out and get wasted with the managers who had no friends thanks to too much of this “work hard, play hard” crap. They must teach this philosophy in business school, because every VP loves the phrase. Of course, working hard and playing hard for them means flying around the country and staying at the Four Seasons while we are stuck back in the office staring at gray carpeted walls.
“Hey sport/champ/guy”
Speaking of walking frequent flyer card Veeps, I’ve noticed that they have the inability to call anyone by their actual name. It’s always “Hey Champ,” “Hey Chief,” “Hey Sport,” or my favorite “Hey Guy!” I’m sure they think they’re just being one of the guys, but I usually just end up thinking that the mofo doesn’t even know my name.
“Alright, playtime is over”
This one comes up whenever low-level employees do anything other than sit in their cubicle pretending to work. Let’s say two guys are shooting the shit in front of the water cooler talking about last night’s episode of “24.” No big deal, you say. It’s just a little mindless break from the reality of being stuck in corporate prison for sixty hours a week. Apparently it is a big deal, because along comes Mr. Jackass Director with his shit-eating grin. “Alright fellas, playtime is over!” What is this, a fuckin’ playground? If it was, I have a feeling the fuckstick who says this kind of shit would get a good ass beating.
“Must be a problem with WebEx”
A favorite of technology sales reps nationwide, this one is often used during a product demo when the software application crashes, freezes up, or displays any sign that it is really a big steaming pile of shit. Since anything coming out of a sales guy’s mouth is absolute bullshit, they will shift the blame to Web-ex. The irony here is that Web-ex is one of the few software apps I’ve used that has never crashed.
“…sent from my Blackberry” tagline on emails
I luv my Blackberry
It’s always some jet-set fucker who insists on keeping the “sent from my Blackberry” tagline on his emails. Congratulations asshole! You’re out on the beach at some “user’s conference” in Maui while the rest of us chumpstains are stuck back in the office. What do you want, a fuckin medal? It’s also a great way to disguise the fact that your IQ is on the same level as that Corky kid and you can’t type a complete sentence. Sending an email from a Blackberry while typing with your thumbs like a trained monkey is a great way to keep people thinking that you’re the seasoned businessman that you think you are.
“Let’s keep this high level”
Another great way to hide the fact that you don’t know jackshit about anything, use this phrase when you want to keep a discussion at the highest level of bullshit. Rather than talking about what a product can actually solve from a business perspective, just say something like “our solution integrates cross-functional platforms to seamlessly enhance enterprise processes.” Not only will it sound like you have an MBA, but everyone in the room will wonder what the fuck you are talking about and assume it is so “high-level” that their college educated asses could never grasp it. In reality, a “low level” discussion will reveal that you have no fuckin’ clue what your product does and the only MBA you have is that Crackerjack box degree from Sally Struthers University.
Some of my favorites are when I ask someone "How's it going?" and they respond with "I'm here!" I never know if this meains they love they're job so they're great, or they hate their job like I do, so they're contemplating suicide.
Another one I can't stand is the simple but fucking annoying "CC me on that" I think it's because they've got nothing to do with the goddamn email in the first place and just want the person I'm sending it to to see they're name on it.
Weez
I hate my job
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Posted: 4/27/2005 9:40:59 AM
This article reminds me of how much I hate my job. And the gay guy who is always asking me about shampoos and loofahs. And the secretary who always farts while she talks to you. And my lush of a boss who leaves wine glass stains on files. And...
sitting
grey carpeted walls
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Posted: 4/27/2005 9:44:03 AM
this is almost as great as the "50 ways to get fired" post. either way, i am sitting here trying my damndest not laugh out loud (and show any sign of life).
maybe i work with you
fo sho
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Posted: 4/27/2005 9:45:43 AM
ps. these co-workers are the same guys that wear striped shirts to the bar.
redrum
so true
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Posted: 4/27/2005 9:57:06 AM
Hahahah -I hear nearly all of these at work, not to mention some other annoying ones like "At the end of the day ______," and the aforementioned "CC me on that"
Jack
awesome article
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Posted: 4/27/2005 10:36:29 AM
My boss always asks me to "tackle" problems. "Hey could you tackle that coding problem." Also he uses "capture" to mean write something down. "Capture that thought." Any response is called feedback. "Thanks for that feedback." But the worst is "think outside the box." What the fuck is that? I get the metaphor but I want to tell him that my box is much fucking bigger than his dumb box that even when I am thinking inside of my box I am still probably way outside of his box. Fucking box- thinking asshole.
Mindless Employee
At the end of the day...
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Posted: 4/27/2005 10:41:20 AM
At the end of the day, while getting the lay of the land, what I would do is take the 10,000 foot look before getting into the down and dirty of it all.
brett
great article
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Posted: 4/27/2005 10:41:51 AM
Well done. Of course where's the infamous "We need to think outside the box" or "I need that presentation done by C.O.B. today."
CicaTriz
more
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Posted: 4/27/2005 10:45:04 AM
I have given up on chit chat. I tend to go either with a slight smile or a generall pissed look on my face. That seems to get my points across 90 percent of the time.
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