Danys Baez, Tampa Bay Devil Rays - Born To Lose" Black Sabbath
Things have been bad for Baez since he was born in Cuba. After all, his parents inconsiderately named him Danys. He had to defect from Cuba and now he plays for the Devil Rays. While he has a respectable 2.90 ERA he has blown 7 out of 30 save chances. Of the 20 runs hes allowed this year 20% have been unearned. For some reason shit just doesn't seem to go this guy's way.
Troy Percival, Detroit Tigers Lets Get Rocked Def Leppard
Out for the year with his umpteenth arm injury, Percival will end the 2005 campaign with a bloated 5.76 ERA. He blew 3 of his 11 save chances and got paid $5.9 million to do so. He tallied 25 innings, which breaks down to $236,000 per inning or $78,667 per out. And while the countless incisions on his throwing arm makes Frankenstein look like a Clearasil model, its hard to feel too sorry for him when he gets paid that kind of cash just to throw a few innings and have arm surgery every year.
Bob Wickman, Cleveland Indians Betterman Pearl Jam
How the hell am I leading the league in saves?
Sure, hes leading the AL in saves, but thats only because hes had the most chances. It would be fitting to see Wickman warming up to the backdrop of Cant find a better man only because there is no song that sings Wont pay for a better man. Hes let five games go so far this year with more to come. His 22:16 strikeout to walk ratio leaves a lot to be desired, especially for a closer and on top of that he sports an 0-3 record. His 22 Ks in 44+ innings of work reflect his lack of dominance. Oh, and hes also about 50 pounds overweight.
Keith Foulke, Boston Red Sox Burger King" Weird Al Yankovic
Currently the in-house enemy of Red Sox Nation Foulke recently had this quote regarding his poor performance this season: "I'm more embarrassed to walk into this locker room and look at the faces of my teammates than I am to walk out and see Johnny from Burger King booing me. At least he didnt go all John Rocker and call out Jose from Taco Bell or hed have had bigger problems to deal with. He is currently on the DL while loudmouth Curt Schilling is excelling in the role he sucked at. His 6.23 ERA is the highest among active closers and quite surprising considering it comes after six consecutive years with an ERA under 3.00. He has also allowed 8 home runs in only 39 innings. His 8.35 ERA in Fenway Park isnt aiding his standing among the suddenly expectant Sox fans. Oh, and the Weird Al song? It's to the tune of "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger. These are the lyrics:
Nothing gets the crowd pumped like a little Weird Al
Burger king! Whats the price for fries? Ill take the jumbo size! I need fast food tonight!
Sing it Red Sox Nation... sing it proud.
Next Time: Bonds, Palmerio, Giambi, Piazza, and more. I know yesterday I said I was going to do some offensive players today, but we'll save it for another day. So look for part three of this two part article soon.
Hmmm Posted: 8/10/2005by: Pablo Very creepy. I was listening to that Sister Christian song off the Boogie Nights soundtrack as I read this. Anyway, are you related to the great closer Trevor Hoffman and his crappy 3rd base coach brother Glenn? Keep it Up! Posted: 8/10/2005by: Frisco Ho Dude (and hopefully TPP): pay no attention to the 'Haters. You've got a light, funny style, and you obviously don't take this stuff (or yourself) too seriously. Keep 'em coming!
But please leave Bob Wickman alone. Guys who can play in the Bigs with bodies like Barcaloungers RULE! hey albanian guy Posted: 8/10/2005by: Ron Freeman are you sure you don't feel shitty just from being albanian? Boooooo!.... Posted: 8/10/2005by: Sam How about "That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore" by the Smiths to describe the last two articles you've written? Wickman Posted: 8/10/2005by: Gordon Gekko BLOWS (a little less than this article), I was at the Tribe v Yankees game when he blew it.
