To a pro football fan, especially a fan of a terrible team, the NFL Draft is like Christmas, Chanukah, and a visit from the Tooth Fairy combined. Or maybe it's just a version of the Lotto. Draft-day busts are a dime a dozen; every team has had a cross to bear in the form of an eagerly-anticipated, highly-paid, highly-touted first rounder who simply wasn't all that good. Some teams have more than one.
But more rare than the garden-variety stiffs are the total catastrophes: first-round selections who not only consistently failed to deliver on the field, but consistently delivered failure off of it. Men who went after the police blotter and the court record with more gusto than they ever went after anything on a pro field, and whose names are black marks on the teams that drafted them.
With apologies to Scott Hofman and his NFL All-Criminal Team, I've gone into the War Room to select, in order from #11 to #1, of the All-Time Thug-Bust Top 10 of the NFL Draft. Each player's place on this list corresponds to the slot in which he was taken in the first round of the NFL Draft.
11. Russell Erxleben, K-P, Texas (New Orleans, 1979)
With the 11th overall pick in the 1979 Draft, the Saints took a kicker- Russell Erxleben of Texas, who could also punt, and who held the NCAA record with a 67-yard field goal. A few problems with the selection:
1.) When you've had nothing but losing seasons in your history, and you've got the 11th pick in the entire Draft, you, um, shouldn't use that pick on a FUCKING KICKER.
2.) Erxleben sucked. My dog-eared Pro Football Encyclopedia simply states cryptically that he "had kicking problems almost immediately". In 1982 Bum Phillips quietly jettisoned the former #1 for a rookie free agent named Morton Anderson.
3.) New Orleans already had Chuck Muncie and Wes Chandler. So it made sense to draft Kellen Winslow, who went to the Chargers at #13.
4.) That 67-yard Cupid shot that doinked the 'Aints in the heart came off atee. The Saints, in essence, took Brad Daluiso with the 11th overall pick. Needless to say, this is the highest selection of a kicker in the history of the Draft.
Oh, and Erxleben was sentenced to 84 months in a Federal prison for securities fraud in 2000. Yes, he's #11. But he's a first-round kicker, and he's in jail. He makes the list.
10.
The War Room couldn't find a proper hooligan at the #10 spot, so, despite the abundance of plain old busts, I'll pass like the 2003 Vikings.
9. Kevin Allen, T, Indiana (Philadelphia, 1985)
Buddy Ryan, who was at least briefly stuck with Kevin Allen as a player drafted the year before he came on as head coach, described the former Indiana standout as a good player, if you want someone to stand around and kill the grass. If a tackle was what the Eagles were hankering for, they could have had Jim Lachey, who went #13 to the Chargers. But, Philadelphia took Kevin Allen instead. With their next pick, the Eagles selected Randall Cunningham, who got sacked on roughly every play of the 1986 season.
It would have helped to have the first-round stud protecting Randall's blind side, but the problem was, Kevin Allen was busy with other matters, the most pressing of which was an indictment for sexual assault in New Jersey, a charge for which he ultimately did a 33-month bit.
By then, Buddy Ryan had already cut Kevin Allen, who had a problem with "cramps and dehydration for which there were no medical reasons". Buddy had it diagnosed pretty easy.
8. Traded for Picks #29 & #28
There were seemingly no thuggish ruggish types at the #8 spot, but being a little quicker on the draw than at #10, the War Room hammered the phones and traded out for a couple of picks near the bottom of the First Round, to a team looking to select an actual good player. There are a couple of solid picks down here, both defensive ends from Michigan State who were disasters at every level.
<29. Dimitrius Underwood, DE, Michigan State (Minnesota, 1999)
Minnesota got cute with its '99 first-round pick, selecting a physically gifted kid well-known to have mental issues coming out of Michigan State. As it turned out, Dimitrius Underwood walked out on the Vikings and was waived in August of '99, and never played a down for the Vikings. He had a couple of not-so-dominant seasons in Miami and Dallas and was out of football. Underwood wins the Ray Combs Award for three lame, half-hearted suicide attempts: a home hack job on his throat and two walks into heavy traffic in Florida. With the very next pick in the 1999 Draft, Atlanta also took a defensive end- Patrick Kerney. While Underwood is off somewhere ranting about God and attempting to inflict body harm on himself, Kerney churns out Pro Bowls and is a solid guest-analyist on "NFL Total Access".
Bottom line: the Vikings shouldn't draft players from Michigan State. Sparty is like a college football version of them: talented, enigmatic, undisciplined, and prone to team-wide meltdowns.
<28. Larry Bethea, DE, Michigan State (Dallas, 1978)
Bethea, the final pick in the 78 first round, lasted six middling seasons in Dallas but never really managed to make an impact (you can see him and his #76 on the footage of Montana throwing the Pass to Dwight Clark- hes next to D.D. Lewis futilely waving his arms up toward Joes line of vision). Eventually he drifted to the USFL, out of football, and into trouble. Dallas passed over Al Bubba Baker (taken 12 picks later by Detroit) to take Bethea, who stole $64,000 from his mother and robbed two convenience stores at gunpoint; Bubba was still talking much junk and playing in the pros years after Larry Bethea, hauled down by his demons, took his own life in 1986. By then the Cowboys were careening into oblivion on the heels of a bunch of opening-round picks that are best described as horrendous. Bethea, taken a year after Tony Dorsett, was the first of these. You can date the decline of the Landry Cowboys from Draft Day 1978 and Larry Bethea.
7. Reggie Rogers, DE, Washington (Detroit, 1987)
Number of sacks compiled in Rogers's four-year NFL career: 2
Number of people killed in a drunk-driving accident caused by Rogers on October 20, 1988: 3
And when discussing the failure of Reggie Rogers as an NFL player, the first number is more applicable than the second. Even if you commit vehicular homicide, you can stay in the League as long as you put quarterbacks on the turf with regularity.
Speaking of the Rams...
6. Lawrence Phillips, RB, Nebraska (St. Louis Rams, 1996)
The Rams took a chance- and they knew they were taking a chance- on Phillips, because maybe, just maybe, he was a prenatural talent who simply needed a dose of maturity. But if a man is beating up on women when hes 21, chances are, hell still be beating up on them when hes 22. Or 23. Or 24. Beating women is not like wearing jerseys and listening to 311- you don't just grow out of it.
Sure enough, hes still at it; Phillips was arrested in 2005 on charges he choked his girlfriend into unconsciousness (this after he was originally charged for trying to run down a group of teenaged pickup-football players with his SUV, a la Albert Belle).
In a greater sin, football-wise, Phillips reportedly missed most of at least one game for the Rams with dehydration brought about by heavy drinking. He was released after a little over a year. Dick Vermeil wept the day Phillips was let go, for whatever reason.
5. Al Cowlings, DE, USC (Buffalo, 1970)
Thank you for being a friend Traveled down a road and back again Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant
That's right- Al Cowlings is a great friend. Matter of fact, if you looked up "friend" in the dictionary, you might find Cowlings' scowling mug shot. He faced the ultimate test as a friend- I just killed two people; can you help me out?- and he passed, with more than flying colors. Since Mike Reid (who could get more pussy making music in Nashville than playing football in Cincinnati) and Cedrick Hardman (porn-named stalwart for the 49ers) were still on the board when he was picked, Buffalo might have taken Cowlings simply because he was O.J. Simpson's pal and confidant. That makes him a bust. And since A.J. was down with O.J., well, that makes him a criminal too.
Not that I'm condemning Al Cowlings for putting the cruise control on the White Bronco- no. Him and OJ, they were like brothers. OJ needed AC to get his back. And he did. Big-time mitzvah, I say. But really, where's the value with that fifth pick?
4. Art Schlichter, QB, Ohio State (Baltimore, 1982)
Schlichter destroyed his career with his compulsive gambling addiction. Destroyed his marriage. Destroyed friendships and relationships by stealing from his wife, his father, everyone, to feed his sickness. Destroyed his entire fucking life. Destroyed the Baltimore Colts, or at least helped. And also indirectly destroyed Woody Hayes, who stayed on an extra year at Ohio State just to coach Schlichter in his freshman season, and wound up being disgraced by his old man's swing at a Clemson linebacker, after that linebacker had clinched a Buckeye loss in the '78 Gator... by intercepting a pass from Art Schlichter.
Okay, the last one was a stretch.
3. Heath Shuler, QB, Tennessee (Washington, 1994)
Faaaack. I was all set to slot Leroy Keyes (RB, Purdue; Eagles, 1969)here at #3. But now it's an All-Criminal Bust Top 10, not just an All-Bust Top 10, and even though Leroy Keyes's career was a flaming wreck, he is not, to the best of my knowledge, a criminal.
So instead of lumping Mr. Leroy Keyes with these con artists, deviants, and miscreants, I'll go with former Redskin bust-ola Heath Shuler, who is running for Congress in the 11th District of North Carolina.
I'm leaving the white-on-green Eagles lid for the pic, because it's cool.
2. Darrell Russell, DT, USC (Oakland, 1997)
Russell is somewhat of an exception, because he played at a high level for a few years- he made it to the Pro Bowl in '98 and '99. But he drank and drugged himself out of the League after just eight seasons, and in 2002 he was charged in the videotaping of a sexual assault of a woman. Darrell Russell never had a chance to turn it around- he was killed in a car accident in December of 2005.
I'd rather be bashing Ryan Leaf than a dead man at the #2 spot, but the Leafster isn't a criminal- he's just an asshole who couldn't pass in the League, or handle the "pressure" of playing in San Diego.
1. O.J. Simpson, RB, USC (Buffalo, 1970)
Okay, O.J. wasn't exactly a Draft Day bust. He had the only 2,000 yard season in the 14-game schedule, and at one point was number 1-2-3 on the single-game record list and 1-3 on the single-season record list. I remember a time when Jim Brown and O.J. completely dominated the record books. But, a jury decision be damned, he did nearly decapitate two people. As Mike Mayock would say, at dee end uh da day, that's got to weigh rather heavily.
Besides, Buffalo never won a playoff game with OJ and went 1-17 against the Dolphins in his career there. Aren't you supposed to be picking future Champions in the Draft?
discount xanax Posted: 5/6/2006by: discount xanax discount xanax http://buy-xanax.xxxnations.com/discount-xanax.html [URL=http://buy-xanax.xxxnations.com/discount-xanax.html]discount xanax[/URL] [URL]http://buy-xanax.xxxnations.com/discount-xanax.html[/URL] generic cialis Posted: 5/6/2006by: generic cialis generic cialis http://buy-cialis.freeadultparty.com/generic-cialis.html [URL=http://buy-cialis.freeadultparty.com/generic-cialis.html]generic cialis[/URL] [URL]http://buy-cialis.freeadultparty.com/generic-cialis.html[/URL] reasons nills recently became my my slut whore Posted: 5/5/2006by: Karl Mecklenburg Reason number 1: He refers to himself as an asshole. Only a wannabes self apply such descriptions. Truth be told he's nice. He buys flowers.
Reason number 2: He surfs the internet at his worst job. Worst job ever? He should order a reality sandwich when he goes "off to lunch".
Reason number 3: Speaking of lunch. He 's real quite. Nobody at his worst job will go "off to lunch" with him, because he makes them feel like they are hanging out with a dormitory Resident Adviser
Reason number 4: He plays the big brother 1984 card. He's from Lakewood.
Reason number 5: He is named after the Northern Territory Inter-library Loan Scheme.
In his defense however, he does make a spectacular slut whore. "Tom Mix wept." Posted: 5/5/2006by: larry Hey Jesse-
Nice...
I wonder if Dick Vermeil was ever asked what he thought about the popular belief that dating Phillip's girlfriend was a good way for someones temper to "get healthy" against women.
Keep up the good work. It's everywhere Posted: 5/5/2006by: Moe I see the Redskins bais is all over the media. From real magazines and newspapers to guys who write articles during their jobs. You sicken me. Golden Girls....? Posted: 5/5/2006by: Provo Off topic a bit, i know.....but seriously, how is that show, "Golden Girls", referenced TWICE in one day on this site.....the lyrics to the theme song are in type in this article, and Kiley has a pic of Bea Arthur in his......CRAZY!!!
Other than that, it was a decent article...I found it a bit scattered at times, especially when you traded for the lower picks....but I could follow...
ps. if you didnt notice the song, dont question me....somehow i retain the most RANDOM and USELESS info.... Nills Reminds Me of Christian Okoye Posted: 5/5/2006by: Steve Atwater After I crumpled Okoye with that great hit on Monday Night Football, that bitch used to follow me around and talk shit. For six years he taunted me, but it didn't matter because my hit was presevered on NFL films forever.
Sounds like "Nills" got embarassed by Jesse, or some other sports fan (maybe his dad), at some point and has decided to get his revenge like a bitch- anonymously online. Way to go big boy.
I wish TPP would police the comments better. Reading jealous, no-talent pussies talk shit gets really old. Not that great... Posted: 5/5/2006by: DB MIKE yep.. i was expecting more.. oh well.. wasnt that funny, seasons werent that crappy, and the crimes not all that crazy.. boo. Jesse v. Nills fight Posted: 5/5/2006by: referee 3:30 behind the Willow Tree.....remember fellas, sleeves are for pussies. Almost Forgot Posted: 5/5/2006by: nills to think, if JEsse has the power to erase posts, one might assume he has the power to up his ratings and down other authors ratings?? Just something to think about... I mean he does have a TO sized ego.
But then again, none of his shit ever goes over the 3.5 rating, so chances are he doesn't do it - but he probably could.
11. Russell Erxleben, K-P, Texas (New Orleans, 1979)
9. Kevin Allen, T, Indiana (Philadelphia, 1985)
<29. Dimitrius Underwood, DE, Michigan State (Minnesota, 1999)
<28. Larry Bethea, DE, Michigan State (Dallas, 1978)
7. Reggie Rogers, DE, Washington (Detroit, 1987)
6. Lawrence Phillips, RB, Nebraska (St. Louis Rams, 1996)
5. Al Cowlings, DE, USC (Buffalo, 1970)
4. Art Schlichter, QB, Ohio State (Baltimore, 1982)
3. Heath Shuler, QB, Tennessee (Washington, 1994)
2. Darrell Russell, DT, USC (Oakland, 1997)
1. O.J. Simpson, RB, USC (Buffalo, 1970)
