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It's That Simple!
Hey Popular Recording Artists, do you have a minute? Mr. Springsteen? Ms. Stefani? Mr. Diddy? Can I borrow you over here for just a sec? I know you’re all very busy, but I wanted to let you know that I am simply nuts about stealing your music on-line.
Now, I recognize that many of you devote long hours to writing, recording and producing your art. And I also understand that you feel that you should be fairly compensated for the fruits of your labor. But can I just say that I have an absolute blast thieving your life’s work in minutes and listening to it at no cost? It’s a gas!
And I don’t just steal one or two songs mind you, I snag your entire albums. As you know, often times in the past buying a whole CD could be a real risk. You may have heard a catchy single on the radio and said, “Man, this “Jet” song is pretty good, I think I’ll buy that disc!”. Only to get it home and find out that “Are You Gonna Be My Girl?” is the only listenable track on the whole album. Well no more! Now I can pilfer your CD in it’s entirety and simply drag whatever portions of your precious work that don’t meet my standards into the trash. Then I just flush them away into cyber-nothingness with a click of my mouse! Flush! There goes all your hard work! Yay!
It’s a fantastic process. And it’s gotten so much easier. See, I used to have dial-up internet, and back then it would take me a good ten minutes to steal your songs. But since my switch to DSL, I can snag that tune that it took you months to conceive, write and record in just under a minute. That’s what I’m talking about! Booya!
Thanks Gang!
I’ve noticed that a lot of “pay” download sites have started popping up as a viable alternative to stealing music. And I commend this. The sites seem to be convenient, easily navigable and inexpensive. Many downloads cost as little as one dollar. However, that being said, do you know what’s even cheaper than one dollar? No Dollars! Yay!
I probably wouldn’t be as enthusiastic about horking your music if some of you weren’t so darned whiney about it. “Stop stealing our music!” “It’s not fair!” “I have a gardener to pay!” “WAAHHH!”
Hey Lars from Metallica. Get back behind your drums and quit crying. I don’t even like your band that much because I’ve never owned a sleeveless black muscle shirt or sported a bad teenage mustache. But I still make it a point to steal all of your music just based on principle. I’ve stolen every one of your albums, including the monstrously bad “Reload”, just to vex you. I don’t even listen to them. I just buy a bunch of blank CDs, make hundreds of copies of all of your albums and then hand them out to people on the street for free. Keep those new tunes coming Lars! Yay!
I Didn't Pay For Zoo Station!
I know that you are all working hand in hand with the U.S. Government right now to try to regulate this free-for-all and stamp out evil downloaders such as myself. And I wish you all the best of luck. But just remember that every time you find a way to shut down a “Napster” a new site will pop up. Right now, some wonderfully tragic geek in Germany with way too much time on his hands and no girlfriend is working around the clock to find a way around your new rules and anti-download technology. And he, my friends, is the real hero.
So in closing, fuck off Oasis. And eat my ass Ryan Adams. I own you. And you didn’t cost me shit. Now if you’ll excuse me, I hear good things about the new White Stripes album. Personally, I think they’re a bit overrated, but who cares? Don’t cost nothin’!
Editor's Note: This was a completely satirical piece intended to poignantly comment on the problem that is illegal downloading and it is in no way an admission of guilt. No members of The Phat Phree staff have ever illegally downloaded anything, nor would they, as they have an immense collective respect for both musical artists and federal law.
Not one Phat Phree staff member has ever downloaded music illegally? Jesus please us if you aren't kidding.
WTF
The last line...
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Posted: 7/25/2005 7:36:05 AM
made the article. Great reference.
sergei
hehehehehe!
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Posted: 7/25/2005 8:39:35 AM
great article. screw the record companies! they're the ones making all the money off the CD's. the artist makes most of their $ from touring/merchandise sales.
some dude
nice disclaimer
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Posted: 7/25/2005 9:31:03 AM
at the end of this article. This article is like the kid who talks shit and then turns and runs away. But, I know, the disclaimer is a satire regarding the satire of the article. You should have an mp3 to download at the end of this article and become martyrs!
Justin
Irony defined
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Posted: 7/25/2005 10:17:05 AM
The ad off to the side while I was reading this was for a studio where you can record your album at affordable prices! Classic...well, at least when I steal their album later, they won't have spent as much as usual to record it. Awesome work.
Jack
YAY!!
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Posted: 7/25/2005 10:26:48 AM
The YAYs kept me reading.
BotoxDiaries
In your face Lars!
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Posted: 7/25/2005 12:00:31 PM
I love the Metallica stuff MP. I really don't feel that bad about the downloads either, because even though I am the best dang lawyer in the world, I don't get paid close to the jack that those f'rs do. But unfortunately, I have succumbed to the pressure of iTunes b/c I am scared of the other lawyers. Dangit!
some other dude
how I read the disclaimer
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Posted: 7/25/2005 12:48:53 PM
(Words in capitals are said with excessive sarcasm)
Editor's Note: This was a COMPLETELY satirical piece intended to POIGNANTLY comment on the (finger quotes) PROBLEM that is illegal downloading and it is in NO WAY an admission of guilt. No members of The Phat Phree staff have EVER illegally downloaded ANYTHING (wink, smirk), nor would they (snort), as they have an IMMENSE collective respect for both musical artists and federal law. YAY!
Bill
Merman
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Posted: 7/25/2005 2:26:23 PM
Record companies make the money most of the time, not the artist. If they cant live off thier CD sales, maybe they could tour more?
After all, you cant steal a live show....
Great job to all the artists out there who do tour atleast once a year! Your fans appreciate you more for it!
-M-
thanks
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Posted: 7/25/2005 4:18:36 PM
I think the piracy issue should pressure on record companies and "artists" (You hear me Brittany, Nelly, et al) to make an entire album that is worth a shit. Way to go Mike Polk
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