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Let It Rain
At HTV films, we recently realized that there hasn’t been a weather disaster film since the insult that was The Day After Tomorrow. We realize that there cannot be more of a disaster than that movie, for it has the entire Northern Hemisphere freezing over (Someone told us; we’d fallen asleep by that point). However, we realized that there is a gap in the oeuvre that has never been addressed: the minor disaster movie. Always looking to fill the gap, HTV is proud to present our summer blockbusters:
The Drizzle Monica Jacobsen (Helen Hunt) is a single mother of three, who has taken this Sunday off of her waitress job to go on a picnic with her kids. However, as they drive out to the park, menacing clouds roll in. The rain holds off… until they get the picnic hamper to the table. Then, small drops of rain start to fall. Slowly. Monica orders Jacob (Elijah Wood), Heather (Lindsay Lohan), and Eric (Jonathan Lipnicki) back into the Roadmaster. As they hurry back, though, the rain stops. Desperate for quality time with her brood, Monica marches them back to the table... but the rain comes down again as they open the potato salad. The back and forth, woman vs. nature, woman vs. her children, woman vs. a Frisbee to the head, continues. You’ll be on the edge of your seat wondering…will the hot dogs survive?
The Puddle An avant garde film, the camera remains fixed on a surprisingly deep puddle on Michigan Avenue in Chicago. A study in humanity, the gamut of human emotions is on display, as people from all walks of life encounter this one body of water. Watch as a businessman (Charles Kuralt) curses the puddle as it soaks his suit; a loving couple (Helen Hunt and Will Ferrell) ignores it, so deep in the throes of their affection for each other that they don’t notice the moisture; a homeless man (David Hasselhoff) is thankful for the natural sink, shower, and urinal. A tip of the cap to Truffaut and Aaron Spelling, The Puddle will make your heart stop…and your feet wet.
98/70 It’s 98 degrees outside with 70 percent humidity in downtown Sioux City, Iowa. It’s downright… uncomfortable. You’ll see the interaction of literally five characters, trying to cope with the really not very nice conditions.
On the road...to the dry cleaners
Dwayne (Don Cheadle) works at a record store. Sure, it’s air conditioned in the store…but he has to get lunch. On the walk down the block, he begins to sweat. Not a lot, but it's definitely rolling down his forehead. Then, finally, he enters the pizza parlor, where he gives his order to the life-weary counter woman.
Margaret (Faith Hill) stares out from behind the counter, envying the comfort of the customers, who lean back, enjoying their iced teas. No such cooling relaxation for her, as she pulls pie after pie from the hot ovens, this box producing fruits reminding her that she’ll never be able to have children. A tear rolling down her cheek, she goes out back to have a cigarette, where she sees the garbage truck pulling down the alley.
Her trash is collected by Andre (Pauly Shore), a romantic poet who has never been able to truly express the feelings he has for Margaret. He still can’t. His shirt as ripe as the cans he empties, Margaret turns from him, nose wrinkled, as he dumps her garbage. So he sings his horrible, John Mayer-influenced songs about “the pizza lady” as his truck swings through the streets of Sioux City.
Dude, it's hot
One of these tunes is picked up by Billy (Helen Hunt), a stoner street musician, sitting shirtless, baking on the street corner. Billy suffers heat stroke and dies halfway through one of his songs, but nobody notices, including a lawyer who steps over his limp body.
Janine (Margot Kidder), who put her personal life aside in pursuit of her law career, nearly trips over the lifeless troubadour, but her mind is a million miles away…or a foot and a half lower. Her blouse is sticking to her body with sweat, and the heat reminds her how long it’s truly been since she experienced a man’s touch. But tonight she has a date, and so she swings into the record store during her lunch break to pick up a new CD. Perhaps some Three Doors Down or Rob Thomas will entice LrgCock9In, the man she recently met in a chat room. Of course, this is Dwayne’s shop, and as she’s checking out, he bites into his pizza, their eyes meet... what might happen next?
Be sure to see all of Hagges Television Films’ offerings this summer, and remember: the weather is always out there.
Funny article, I guess I didn't laugh out loud too uch, because sadly, I can see these in the theatre soon especially 98/70. Trying pitcing it to the your LA writer. But she may just cliche it, never mind. Either way, I like David Hasselhoff in the role of the bum.
STEVE
MATT
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Posted: 8/3/2005 1:24:40 PM
Wow dude, your comments get gayer and gayer by the day. Enough of all your pathetic fuckin analogies and clever little puns and all that happy horseshit. Your comments blow despite your best efforts to be cute and clever and original. Here, I'll give you a good analogy for tomorrow.......
LITTLE KIDS are to LOLLIPOPS
as MATT is to ____________.
(answer: BIG BLACK COCK)
burgandy
STEVE
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Posted: 8/3/2005 1:51:21 PM
AOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
matt
STEVE
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Posted: 8/3/2005 3:05:43 PM
Must be browsing up on your SAT analogy section. I really just can’t argue with you anymore, dude. You are fucking pathetic, the only comeback you ever fucking have is "you’re a fag." Really, your gay rage has obviously hit its apex. Add this one to your repertoire because you will probably need it somewhere in the near future, "Hey I only suck dick with a condom on." Because you are so f-ing desperate for attention that you will invest in some knee pads and a gallon of Vaseline so you can feel the warm shot of acceptance in the back of your throat.
Finally you are a fucking pathetic piece of shit that has no friends, no life no nothing. Have fun beating off to a life you wish you could have in lovely PA.
Bill BB
STEVE IS BROOKS....
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Posted: 8/3/2005 3:42:23 PM
I think that STEVE should read The World article and see that.......
STEVE IS TO PHATPHREE as.....
BROOKS IS TO NATIONAL CITY BANK.
You are lame dude.
Die already.
STEVE
BILL & MATT
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Posted: 8/3/2005 3:49:54 PM
HAHA, I'm way funnier than you guys. Your shit's weak. Keep your manpleasers shut.
Nate Fisher
I have found peace
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Posted: 8/3/2005 3:50:35 PM
It's over. No one respond to HIM anymore. It's like HE never existed. It makes life so much easier. HE never made me laugh though, not even once. That is sad. What's sadder is that HE won't go away, but HE'LL just assume another identity. I guess there is reincarnation after all. Asume a new identity quick though, before it's too late.
compton ass Terry
STEVE
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Posted: 8/3/2005 4:26:46 PM
The only reason so many people will attend your funeral will be that they want to make sure you are dead.
Side Note: You know your dad sooo wishes he would've pulled out early too.
Mortimer Duke
Steve
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Posted: 8/3/2005 5:36:41 PM
I don't think Steve really exists.
I think he is a straw man, a shill, created by the Phat Phree staff to incite the masses who comment on this site to frenzied hatred. Much like Goldstein or the Brotherhood from 1984, he has served to maintain interest and galvanize loyalty to the authors. I applaud your Machiavellian misdirection PP staff!
And Steve, if you really do exist, why do you keep coming back? You see, it just doesn't make sense. Verbal Kent is Keyser Sose and Steve is really just..... Charlie DeMarco.
lonnie andersen
steve
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Posted: 8/3/2005 8:18:22 PM
steve sucks dick for bus fare and then walks home.
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