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Oh, come on. Not now. Now is REALLY not a good time for a hard-on. Yeah, I know I'm 16 years old and I pitch a tent 20 times a day for no particular reason, but we're in the middle of my little brother's bar-mitzvah here. I'm about to have go up on stage for a family picture with the fucking rabbi! I don't need all of Temple Beth Shalom checking out my wood.
Damn it. I should've seen this coming. I didn't get to jerk off last night because I had two of my cousins sleeping on cots in my room. If either of those sneaky fuckers had heard me jacking it, the whole family would've known by sunrise. And when you add to my "night off" the fact that the little sluts in my brother's hebrew school class wear some skimpy-ass shit in the House of the Lord, it's no wonder I'm at Def-cock 5.
Okay, come on. Think. What usually works? Grandma. Of course. Floppy skin, blue hair, eau d' mothballs, and the fact that Dad sprang out of her beaver in 1957. She’s a guaranteed chubbie deflater. But wait. Oh, man,she’s sitting like five feet away and, oh shit – she just smiled at me! While I was in the middle of thinking how disgusting she would be in just her girdle! Oh God, this is so wrong. Abort! Abort!
All right, forget Grandma. Let’s try something else. Okay, how about baseball? That's supposed to work, too, right? Okay, picking dirt from my cleats, sweaty batting gloves, Randy Johnson’s pock-marked face (and that mullet he used to have back in Seattle), a big wad of tobacco that looks like a dog turd protruding from Manny’s mouth as he steps up to the plate. Yes, yes, it’s working. I'm starting to soften up. Okay, what else? That fat kid on my Babe Ruth league team whose jersey was way too small. Yeah, yeah, that was fucking sick. This boner doesn't stand a chance!
Oh no, wait a minute. Didn’t that fat kid sit next to me when our team had that end-of-the-season trip to Yankee Stadium? That was the game where that girl in the in the cut-off Jeter t-shirt sat in front of us. Oh, shit. She was totally nipping out when she walked down the row to her seat. And then there was that panty shot we got when she sat down. They were pink with lace trim and they were shouting “Me so horny!” the entire game and -- Goddamnit -- Mr. Stiffie is back up in it! Son of a bitch!
Alright, quit fucking around. This is serious shit. My little brother’s finishing his Torah reading. I’ve got like two minutes to get rid of this thing. Come on, think. Winter time, school, American history class with Mr. Larkin in his dandruff-covered sweater vest talking for a whole fucking period about the 1992 Republican National Convention.
Wait a minute. 1992. Clinton vs. Bush I. George and Barbara Bush. Barbara Bush!
Barbara Bush is like the uber-grandma. She's got that seen-a-ghost white hair, that jiggly turkey neck, those pounds of futile make-up caked on a face that could never have been anything but unfortunate. No erection could withstand that! Yes, it’s working already! You go, Bar! Chase those hard-on demons away with those creepy triple-strand pearl necklaces!
If only your last name weren't so yummy . . .
Oh shit. Did I just say pearl necklace? Come on! I was almost there! Pearl necklace. Cum on tits. (Damn you, Penthouse Forum, you vocabulary building motherfucker!) And Barbara “Bush”? Naked bush. Shaved bush. Drippy, stinky, luscious beaver. Oh, fuck, it’s back! How could I not see that coming?? Her name is BUSH is for Christ’s sake! (I mean for Moses’ sake. Sorry, God).
Anyway, fuck! The photographer is getting into position and the Rabbi is motioning to us to come up on stage and I’m still sitting here with a pup tent. I need a serious miracle here. I gotta get rid of this fucking thing in like 15 seconds.
Okay, I’ll take anything. What’s in my field of vision? Windows, carpet, flowers, star of David, some bald guy . . . Wait, that’s it! Star. Star Jones!!
Goodbye forever, my swollen comrade.
If anyone can get rid of this hard-on it is you, Star Jones – you fat, annoying, bug-eyed, snorting farm llama! You got even more disgusting when you had to pay off that poor guy to marry you on TV. He must’ve been one broke motherfucker. God, imagine how much he had to drink to numb the pain of humiliation. And then on your wedding night you probably put on some size XXXL trying-in-vain-to-be-hot negligee in some sad attepmt to coax him inside you. So sick and pathetic and fat and . . .
. . . hard-on reducing!! Yes! It's working. Total deflation has been achived!
Thank you, Star Jones! You banished my boner and got me ready for the camera. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, you wonderfully bloated, magnificently repulsive warthog.
And hey, don’t be a stranger next time I’m sporting wood in algebra class and get called to the board to solve an equation.
star wouldnt work for me b/c all i can think of is tracy morgan in drag (i'm star jones, and i'm a loyaahh) and he looks way better than she does. (although that last pic of her may correct the problem. that towel is fucking huge... how many egyptians did she kill to make one that size?)
Cameron
Smaller
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Posted: 10/6/2005 9:28:52 AM
Mine got smaller as I read this article. "Def-cock 5" should be on a quote list somewhere.
This is about the best day of articles overall this site has had in weeks.
STEVE
FUNNY SHIT
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Posted: 10/6/2005 9:55:18 AM
"...Dad sprang out of her beaver in 1957." Nearly spit up the coffee on that one you dick.
yuh
YES!!!
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Posted: 10/6/2005 10:04:02 AM
bonerage at synagogue...not good times..too bad we didnt have star jones 15 years ago.......we had roseanne.........
brian
Bitch
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Posted: 10/6/2005 10:45:47 AM
That fat slob Star is now thin and just as bad. However give her time. I would put money on it that she blows up even bigger in time. She is a worthless piece of black shit.
Roy BIttan
Back to basics
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Posted: 10/6/2005 11:06:05 AM
Mr. Sanford has come back strong getting back to the fundamentals that made the school election and moss articles great. Clever placement of swear words and dick jokes. Well done.
Mortimer Duke
pretty Good day
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Posted: 10/6/2005 11:38:59 AM
for TPP. Attaboy, Rob.
Billy Ray Valentine
Shooting Star
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Posted: 10/6/2005 11:57:12 AM
Def-cock 5 is brilliant. I shan't think I'll ever sport wood again without thinking of this article and it's engorgement-control techniques... very tantric.
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