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Is it just me, or does Katie Holmes look mildly retarded?
Yesterday it was reported that there was a spy working in the White House for almost three years. The guy apparently stole top-secret information about the Philippine President and sent it to militant opposition groups in the Philippines. It is the first known case of espionage at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue since the early days of the republic. Of course there are the unproven claims of Israeli wiretaps and Soviet bugs, but this is really the first concrete proof of treasonous spying from inside the White House in any of our lifetimes.
Pretty big news to be certain, or at least you would think so… Funny thing is that three pieces of news trumped that headline:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting a baby I realized halfway through typing the headline that I was pounding the keys on my keyboard in frustration. Why does anyone care?! Why? Is this really what we have been reduced to: Tom Cruise’s bizarre relationship with a girl barely half his age and their financially secure but otherwise completely and utterly fucked fetus is news?
I know there are a lot of people out there who actually hate themselves and their lives so much that they hang on every tabloid magazine and celebrity gossip column for any indication that successful people are just as miserable as they are, but why am I subjected to this bit of information? I don’t visit E! Online or Entertainment Weekly dot com. Why do I know this?
Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson filed for divorce No way! NO FUCKING WAY! I thought those two were really going to make it. I mean they were so cute together. Ugggh… Give me fucking break. She is hot, but she’s dumb as a bag full of bags. As much as I can’t get behind being in a boy band, I suspect that Nick Lechey is probably a pretty normal dude who landed a hot piece of ass with money of her own, and figured that he wasn’t gonna do much better—easy mistake to make. But after a couple years, having to deal with a stupid, spoiled hunk of sex meat is intolerable no matter how perfectly it’s shaped.
But again, why do I know that? Why do I know that Jessica Simpson is dumb? I don’t watch MTV. I haven’t watched a more than a couple minutes of MTV in over a decade, so how is it that I have seen the “Chicken of Sea” scene from their stupid show? I seriously can’t explain it. It’s like somehow it has become part of our collective consciousness, and even though I never actually saw it, I remember it because you saw it. However it happened, I want it the fuck out of my head.
'Till the end of the second season do us part.
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline may have a sex tape released on the internet soon I know more about Britney Spears than about any other classless skank on the planet. Why? I have no fucking clue. Why do I know that she was married to some hick friend of hers for 55 hours? Why do I know her husband’s name? Why do know that he left his pregnant girlfriend to hook up with Britney? Why do I know that her eyes are exactly nine and one quarter inches apart? And for love of sweet, delicious Jesus Christ wafers, why do I know that someone in her entourage made a copy of one of their private sex tapes and is threatening to release it on the internet?
I have never cracked a single issue of US Weekly. I have never watched a single Britney Spears video in its entirety. I have never even listened to an entire Britney Spears song. I am not kidding. So why do I know this shit?!
I never watch, listen to, or read celebrity “news” on purpose. In fact, I actively go out of my way to avoid it. I find it offensive that there are people out there who make their living covering such pointless and invasive “news”, and it's even more distasteful that there are people who actively consume it. With all the time our fearless leaders waste regulating bad words on TV and pornography, they could be focused on eradicating the growing menace of celebrity news. It is infinitely more sinister and destructive than those other two vices (we all know that won't happen- then people might actually start paying attention to real news).
It takes more than a Mercedes, babe.
When Tom Cruise’s faux-lecherousness is sold as love, Britney’s shamefully low class relationship is packaged as parenthood, Michael Jackson’s surgical horror show is laughed off as eccentricity we are headed down a terrifying path. At least porn doesn’t claim to be anything other than what it is.
In any event, I feel that I am being robbed of space in my head. Those chunks of my brain could have been used for something productive. Who knows, one could have been filled with a nugget that linked two previous unrelated pieces of knowledge that would have led me to some amazing discovery like the cure for cancer—unlikely, but possible. Regardless, it won’t happen now because that part of my brain has been infected by a degenerate squatter of information that will forever occupy the ever-growing ghetto in my head.
I need a drink. Make it a triple. And remind me to change my passwords. Never can be too safe with secret info. There are spies everywhere you know, even at the White House... and in Britney's entourage.
It's not so much the permeation of celeb news that gets me. It's the fact that 95% of the celebs nowadays are good at one thing: self-promotion. Do any of these people have any talent whatsoever? Lindsey Lohan does two things well, and neither involve acting or singing. She's an awesome crash-test dunny, and she's the reigning champion in the "dying E.T." look-alike contest.
deuce
how about
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Posted: 10/6/2005 7:09:30 AM
locans wrecking her car again because she's being chased by photographers.. (i refuse to use the other p-word b/c it makes them seem important too when they arent).. it's not like they were snipers chasing her with rifles or pistols.. get off your cell phone, you dumb bitch, youre not on the "fully loaded" set anymore.
good stuff majors!
clont
awesome
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Posted: 10/6/2005 8:46:03 AM
Thank you for letting me knopw I am not the only one out there who knows way too much about these goddamn celebrities.
Since when did this become news? Another red herring in life combined with the fact that people don't want to know the actual issues.
Drawz
Good article
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Posted: 10/6/2005 9:03:56 AM
This article is well written. Nice job.
Cameron
Good stuff
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Posted: 10/6/2005 9:25:13 AM
Not funny, but right on fucking point. Good stuff.
Good to know that everyone else is sick of hearing about this shit. I'm sure that most of the celebrities don't want us knowing this stuff anymore than we do.
ACM
Damnit
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Posted: 10/6/2005 9:56:49 AM
I didn't know any of those three things and now you've filled MY head up with this stupid information.
s
too much like RIGHT
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Posted: 10/6/2005 10:03:36 AM
robert grubbs, richard shrock, yves chauvin.
3 dudes awarded the nobel prize in chemistry for developing the metathesis method of organic synthesis. huge, mind-altering, world-changing shit.
had 2 seconds to read about it on a tv banner while some vacuous twat nannered on about celebrity news.
that is so fuckin sad.
nice article, braah.
Alex
Yes
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Posted: 10/6/2005 10:09:23 AM
Good read. All too true, bro.
dubyainthedotte
hear hear
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Posted: 10/6/2005 10:11:53 AM
nice job bro. a little overboard in some areas (everybody knows jacksons a nut). its nice to see somebody else out there thinks this shit is ridiculous.
TR
Thanks
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Posted: 10/6/2005 10:16:09 AM
Now I know I'm not a zombie. I don't remember watching any of this shit. I thought some anchor from a Hollywood news show was sneaking into my room at night and reading me these fucking stories while I slept. I hate them all.
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