|
|
|
|
|
 | | Bottle of red, bottle of white...hell, we'll take the whole fucking bar! |
Christie,
Hey, Billy here. Heard about you and Peter splitting and I just got to say I'm sorry it came to that. He always seemed like such a decent, nice guy. Turned out he was "The Stranger", huh?
Well, while I'm writing to you, let me say that the months ahead are going to be rough. Trust me, when you left me I was drinking so much bourbon...oh, sorry. I'm not trying to compare your problems with mine, and I'm sure the girls will keep you from going down the path that leads straight to the bottle. But God, that really fucked me up for a while, when you and I broke up. You could've had the decency to tell me in advance, you filthy little... I'm sorry. I did not mean to say that.
Listen, the thing is, you will need some help to get through the tough times ahead. And my music has always been my way of coping with tough times. All you have now are those exercise-tool commercials with Chuck Norris, but I'm sure they'll keep you company when you wake up in the middle of the night, crying and dry-mouthed from yet another cruise of Long Island's finest taverns and bars, in the front seat of your Lexus. In someone else's living room. And not sure how you got there.
Christie, dammit, why did we break up, anyway? I loved you just the way that you are, after all. Yeah, that one was about the first Mrs. Joel. God, what a bitch she was! But she was nothing compared to you. Sure, she took all my fucking money from the Seventies, but I got over that and started banging you!
Okay, I've had a few tonight. But I'm not back on the sauce. You might be right, I might be crazy, but it may just be a lunatic...whoa, was that my kidney?
Jesus, Christie, I wrote a fucking Top Ten hit about you, and you fuckin' leave me? How's that whole modeling career going, by the way? Any calls from "Fit and Fifty" yet for your crinkled mug on their catalogs? Is the AARP hiring?
 | | You still owe me one last blow job... |
God, I'm sorry. I know, it's the drink talking. I love you, baby. Always have, always will....listen, you don't have any plans for the fall, do you? That queer Elton wants to do another tour. Uh, don't tell him I called him "queer", alright? That's just between old friends. We're still friends, aren't we, Chris?
Chris, Chris, Bo-Biss, Banana-Nana-Fo-Fistie....remember when we tried that? God, you were so uptight....
Going to wrap it up, now that I see the cops are outside and they seem to think I have something to do with the Mercedes wrapped around the tree outside. You go on one year-long bender and you're marked for life! Anyway, Christie, call me when I get out of lock-up. Maybe we can move to Allentown, start over in an Italian restaurant. I won't put you under pressure. Officer, I didn't start the fire! I just fell asleep, my cigarette fell out of my hand...
Okay, be good, Chris. You can count on me, always. I will love your toned ass for as long as I can get it up. And I can still get it up. Two words, Chris: Vi-agra.
I am an innocent man, you fucking whore!
Your piano man always,
Billy
PS - in regards to your marriage not working out....HA-HA-HA! Now I have to go piss on Ray Charles' grave.
PPS - The only kind of "Uptown Girl" I can get these days charges $50 for a blow job...you used to do that for free.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
No data available
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Posts: 
