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I think that I just peed a little!
Click. “Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! Live at the Sports Arena! It’s monster truck action!” Click. “Looks like we lost another loan to Ditech!” Click. “That’s right! Only $99 down and this car is yours!” Click. “Didya ever wonder whyyyyyy…”
Oh, sweet and holy Jesus. My premature channel surfing has gone and screwed me again! The 55th through 59th minute segment of CBS’ news-u-mentary war horse better known as "60 Minutes" features some of the most seemingly wry, quirky, fuck-me-running horseshit shown on television today. Even with 945 channels blasted into our living room via satellite 24 hours a day, “A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney” still gets me every time.
CBS knows that all of the other TV shows in that time slot have ended and gone to commercials, so when you start flipping around with the remote and you come across an elderly man with a pile of old shoes and bottle caps proudly displayed on his desk, you’re going to stop and say, “Now what the fuck is going on here?” And that’s when they’ve got you.
“Didya ever wonder why car tires are black?” “Didya ever wonder why things come in boxes?” “Didya ever wonder who regulates the size of paper clips?” “Didya ever wonder how many nickels you can fit in your mouth?”
There's a family of four living in my eyebrows.
For a man with so many stupid questions, he’s sure got a bunch of holier-than-thou answers. It’s like Andy Rooney is almost senile, almost insane and almost witty. So close to all of those things where he almost makes sense, but in the end, he doesn’t. He leaves you hanging: Gives you the mental “blue balls” as it were.
Now I’m not going to say that the guy hasn’t earned his stripes. He was one of the first to report from Nazi concentration camps when he was an Army reporter back in WWII, he’s got a shelf full of Emmy Awards, and he still talks an awful lot of shit for a guy that’s 87 years old, but enough is enough. I hate to even forge a mental picture of Andy blowing somebody at the CBS corporate office to keep his four minute-a-week job, but I really see no other reasonable explanation for it.
So, did I ever wonder why milk expires so fast or why dogs lick their own balls? No, Andy, I didn’t. And fuck you for asking.
I like Andy Rooney. He is this funny, accessible old senile coot who points out interesting (or totally inane) stuff, and unlike old people in the real world, you can turn him off with a click and not have to pay funeral costs.
etungtech, you make some good points, but please, no alien-talk.
Alex
Andy Rooney
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Posted: 8/17/2006 5:28:34 AM
is everything that I want to be when I'm 90 years old.
Just an old, pissy crank.
etungtech, I agree with Max. Your comment both fascinates and intrigues me.
Allen Dulles
etungtech - shh!
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Posted: 8/17/2006 10:01:51 AM
What did I tell you about using your own language in here? Shhhh! We don't want to tip off the food...I mean, the humans.
Andy Rooney is an android construct we designed back in WWII when the CIA was the OSS. His purpose is to keep old people just like he is via subliminal, televised mind-control: Baffled, confused and constantly asking rhetorical questions.
The reason? Old people taste better that way, right etungtech?
Vote Dulles.
That Guy
Allen Dulles
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Posted: 8/17/2006 10:09:06 AM
is Victor French.
For the boy wonder
Retarded? Why yes. I'll take both.
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Posted: 8/17/2006 10:51:21 AM
Maybe you never wonder about these so-called stupid questions because you're too busy masturbate to your own hilarity. Oh, wait. You're reverse hilarious, which is perhaps the cause of your mental blue-balledness.
I've been to vegetarian restaurants with more meat than this faux-article.
The power of the brows will crush your skull.
STEVE
GOOD STUFF
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Posted: 8/17/2006 10:56:22 AM
Short and sweet...and funny...unlike every other horseshit article I've read today. I particularly like when Ali G interviews this walking corpse. It's sure gonna be a sad day when the old man finally kicks it, but god I hope its today.
Burt Thaxton
Cereal
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Posted: 8/17/2006 12:19:13 PM
I remember this one time Rooney was complaining about the fact that cereal boxes feature enlarged photos of the cereal on the box, then when you open the box, the cereal isn't the same size as the picture. 60 minutes actually aired this.
Of course, on any ceral box, the photo contains the small discalimer "Enlarged to show Texture."
Burt Thaxton
Allen Dulles
Victor French
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Posted: 8/17/2006 12:49:53 PM
...is attempting to mount a weak campaign against my candidacy for President of the Universe.
The ghost of Allen Dulles is ready to debate French at any time. We will let the people of Phat Phree decide...unless they decide wrong, and then we'll rig the vote with the Diebold machines.
F Janet Reno. My new running mate is Andy Rooney. How can French/God compete with that...and the power of the shadow government?
Vote Dulles/Rooney.
pavan
weak
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Posted: 8/17/2006 1:32:15 PM
i agree with "for the boy wonder". your article was weak, dude.
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