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As with that crime fightin' hybrid, The Manimal, sometimes the line between human and animal is blurry. Such is often the case with that distinct subset of the human female known as the horse face chick. You know who they are: gals whose faces just are really long and toothy. Often, they can be quite fetching; other times, straight Secretariat. Nevertheless, a true, red-blooded jockey would saddle up any of these fillies given the opportunity.
Let's throw it upstairs to NBC's Tom Dirkin for the call as these future Kibbles & Bits are led into the starting gate...
Hillary Swank - I actually saw her once in person on the streets of NYC, and while she was pretty attractive, I had the overwhelming urge to hand feed her a carrot. I didn't see Million Dollar Baby, but I hear she breaks a leg and they have to shoot her at the end.
Sarah Jessica Parker - The ultimate nag and proof-positive that Ferris Bueller has some strange proclivities. All you need to complete the effect is one of those straw hats they put on carriage horses. My theory on why women love her so much is that they see her on TV and think they look better than her. You know how women love their ugly friend.
Teri Hatcher - Ironically, that uncle that molested her trains champion thoroughbreds. (Editor's Note: Coincidentally, her boobs are long like a horse's face also.)
Tori Spelling - One of the most egregious cases of nepotism in television history. If her daddy wasn't the producer of 90210, she would've been making films in the San Pornando Valley. They should have got her to pull the cart on his funeral carriage.
Claudia Schiffer - Undeniably hot, but she was David Copperfield's show pony for a few years. Take that as you will.
Ann Coulter - Whatever your political leanings are, you can't deny that Ms. Right needs a bit in that mouth. Did you ever notice how she always looks like she just stumbled out of the bathroom after snorting a few lines at a cocktail party?
Alexandra Kerry - It's like John Kerry went on hormone therapy. Never in recorded history has a woman looked so much like her father with tits.
Katherine Hepburn - The original stagecoach puller. Famed director David O. Selznick didn't think she'd make it in the movies due to her uncanny resemblance to Seabiscuit.
Jennifer Wilbanks - The Runaway Bride. She must have seen the starting gates open. Last I heard, she was doing community service by grazing on the grass of public buildings in her hometown.
Julia Roberts - Never understood the attraction on this horsey. She's got the face of Mr. Ed, and the acting chops, too. Maybe if she smeared peanut butter on her gums, her Broadway show would've gotten better revues.
Linda Cohn - Linda Cohn is completely wasted doing play-by-play for the WNBA. (Thanks for the update, Wikipedia!) Instead, she should be doing the calls at Belmont Park. It's called symmetry, people.
Posts: 3005 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 1/2/2007 8:06:21 AM
With Linda Cohn just for the novelty of the thing. The chick's been on SportsCenter since I was six and has thusly been a major part of my development as a man. Hence, I want to bang her.
And that's far and away the best picture of Hilary Swank I've ever seen. She looks man-ish in her new movie "Dangerous Minds 2."
Posts: 1069 Rank: 20 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 1/2/2007 8:25:45 AM
isn't so much a horse-face, than her having 4-times the amount of teeth as a regular human. great list esp. claudia schiffer (i'd nail), sex in the city (wouldn't nail), and terri hatcher's tits (totally wouldn't nail)
oh, and i'd totally nail hillary "boys do cry" swank...
my addition: jennifer garner (although she may be more man-face than horse-face - plus she's married to jaw affleck) oh, and for the record, i'd nail her.
Posts: 49 Rank: 196 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Chicago, IL
Posted: 1/2/2007 11:30:09 AM
you clearly had to photoshop that swank picture. there is no way, ever that any shot of her could turn out looking decent. other people on the list. that fantugly nasty looking nicki hilton. not that paris any better.
Posts: 1476 Rank: 17 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 1/2/2007 11:37:12 AM
with my dick and mr. T's fist, while lashing her sides with the gold plated chains he wears. i don't know what it is about the h.swank, but i'd just love to punch her in the asshole while screaming "you dirty faggit!" in her ear. a fish-hook would be nice too. and that goes triple for sarah jessica parker...and parker posey.
Posts: 47 Rank: 75 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Naptown, IN
Posted: 1/2/2007 12:10:42 PM
For twenty dollars a day?
My top hate fucks: 1) Hillary Clinton ( I don't care if someone already said it. Fuck her and her huge balls.) 2) Cameron Manheim (I'd put my left arm up her ass and rip out all her goddamned earrings with my right.) 3) Barbaro (I had to live in a Nissan Sentra for two weeks when that bastard broke his leg.)
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Hillary Swank - I actually saw her once in person on the streets of NYC, and while she was pretty attractive, I had the overwhelming urge to hand feed her a carrot. I didn't see Million Dollar Baby, but I hear she breaks a leg and they have to shoot her at the end. 
Sarah Jessica Parker - The ultimate nag and proof-positive that Ferris Bueller has some strange proclivities. All you need to complete the effect is one of those straw hats they put on carriage horses. My theory on why women love her so much is that they see her on TV and think they look better than her. You know how women love their ugly friend. 
Teri Hatcher - Ironically, that uncle that molested her trains champion thoroughbreds. (Editor's Note: Coincidentally, her boobs are long like a horse's face also.)
Tori Spelling - One of the most egregious cases of nepotism in television history. If her daddy wasn't the producer of 90210, she would've been making films in the San Pornando Valley. They should have got her to pull the cart on his funeral carriage. 
Claudia Schiffer - Undeniably hot, but she was David Copperfield's show pony for a few years. Take that as you will. 
Ann Coulter - Whatever your political leanings are, you can't deny that Ms. Right needs a bit in that mouth. Did you ever notice how she always looks like she just stumbled out of the bathroom after snorting a few lines at a cocktail party? 
Alexandra Kerry - It's like John Kerry went on hormone therapy. Never in recorded history has a woman looked so much like her father with tits.
Katherine Hepburn - The original stagecoach puller. Famed director David O. Selznick didn't think she'd make it in the movies due to her uncanny resemblance to Seabiscuit.
Jennifer Wilbanks - The Runaway Bride. She must have seen the starting gates open. Last I heard, she was doing community service by grazing on the grass of public buildings in her hometown. 
Julia Roberts - Never understood the attraction on this horsey. She's got the face of Mr. Ed, and the acting chops, too. Maybe if she smeared peanut butter on her gums, her Broadway show would've gotten better revues. 
Linda Cohn - Linda Cohn is completely wasted doing play-by-play for the WNBA. (Thanks for the update, Wikipedia!) Instead, she should be doing the calls at Belmont Park. It's called symmetry, people. 
