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God loves stained glass.
On a cold winter morning last week, I did something I haven't done in years. I went to church. Don't worry. I didn't find Jesus (Rest assured, The Phat Phree will remain as vulgar and funny as always.). I went there to talk to the founder of ZUG.com and the writer of the new book Prank the Monkey, John Hargrave--to interview him, in fact.
Why interview someone during mass? Why not? It's pretty quiet during most of the service, and growing up Catholic, you learn to tune out all the nonsense. Plus they have free snacks and wine.
Charlie DeMarco: For the mental defects and children reading this, what is ZUG?
Sir John Hargrave: ZUG is the world's only comedy site. I started it in 1995, which also makes it the world's oldest comedy site. We're known for our pranks, stunts, and media hoaxes, like staging a fake appearance of Michael Jackson in Boston while he was living in Bahrain. Or when I cornered Bill Gates at a trade show, then kissed him on the nipple.
CD: You are aware that there are other comedy sites, right? Like, you know, this one.
SJH: What? I thought this interview was for "Fat Free"? I was told it was a healthy lifestyle magazine. I'm sorry. My bad.
CD: On your website, you're billed as "The King of Dot-Comedy." Does that concern you, 'cause that's kind of a gay title.
SJH: Yeah, whenever they refer to me in the press, they call me the "self-proclaimed King of Dot-Comedy." Adding the "self-proclaimed" is just like saying, "the idiot who calls himself the King of Dot-Comedy." My one goal in life is to get rid of the "self-proclaimed." Michael Jackson is just the "King of Pop," even though he hasn't had a hit in 20 years. Why isn't he "self-proclaimed"? Do they think he actually has a crown, or something?
CD: I think Elizabeth Taylor coined the term King of Pop in reference to Michael Jackson, so that's why he isn't the self-proclaimed King of Pop. God, whenever I know things like that, I realize that I watched WAY too much television as a child. Anyway, if "Dot-Comedy" catches on, I'm going to want to fight you.
SJH: [Laughs] Just don't break my pocket protector.
CD: Speaking of royalty, you go by "Sir John Hargrave." What was it like being knighted, and are you pissed that you were married before it happened? I imagine knights get A LOT of poon tang.
SJH: This is one of the stunts in my new book. I wrote the Queen of England, asking if I could be knighted. Buckingham Palace wrote back and said I needed to have someone nominate me for the knighthood. So I got Lou Ferrigno, the bodybuilder that played The Incredible Hulk, to nominate me. He doesn't get a lot of work nowadays, so he was pretty cheap. You can hire him for like $25 a phone call.
CD: Yeah, his dream of a Hulk Reunion Special was destroyed along with Bill Bixby's prostate. I heard he really hit the sauce after that.
SJH: Right. HULK ANGRY! NO REUNION! MONEY GONE! UNNNGHHH! Anyway, the Queen turned down my request for knighthood, so I went to my county courthouse and just legally changed my name to "Sir John Hargrave." It's easy to do. You just pay them about $150, they schedule you a court hearing, then you come in and get your name changed. And the best part was that I called Buckingham Palace afterward, asking them if I got health coverage now that I was a knight, and they threatened me with arrest if I ever set foot in England. Gotta love those royals.
CD: I've been a fan of ZUG for a long time, and I have a question about one of my favorite pranks: The Naked Barbie Project. I always wondered why you chose a 1/8" bit to drill Barbie's vagina hole. I've done some calculations, and if that were scale, that would make a life-size Barbie's vagina less than three quarters of an inch in diameter. That seems less than adequate to accommodate a life-size Ken's engorged pinky-cock even if we assume Ken is show-er and not a grow-er. How do you respond to that?
SJH: [Laughs] It's questions like these that make my job so rewarding. Thank God I never went into accounting. I don't think accountants get these kinds of questions.
CD: Accountants who get interviewed by me would. So, have you always been into doing pranks? I mean, were you that kid putting whoopee cushions on the teacher's chair? How far back does this go?
SJH: I was born on April Fool's Day, which I think is my greatest prank. It wasn't easy getting my parents horny on the exact day nine months beforehand. The secret is: tickle your mother's ovaries.
CD: [Laughs] That's a disturbing thought. Do you only take on people/companies that deserve it, or are you willing to go after the innocent?
SJH: Yeah, I try to only take on celebrities and companies that are asking for it. I think the funniest stuff is like when those guys squirted Tom Cruise in the face with the trick microphone, and then he got so flustered. My motto is, "The bigger the blowhard, the funnier the fall." I don't think it's as funny when it's the guy working down at the local coffee shop. Unless the coffee shop is Starbucks.
CD: You've got kids now, right?
SJH: I have two kids, Isaac and Rocket.
CD: [Laughs] Seriously? Your kid's name is Rocket? That's fuckin' awesome.
SJH: Yeah, my wife and I just went for the coolest name we could possibly think up.
CD: Success. Any plans to involve the kids in the pranks? After all, kids can get away with shit adults never could.
SJH: [Laughs] I was making a prank phone call to Hilton Hotels, and my three-year-old walked in the room. That's kind of difficult to explain. "Here's what Daddy does for a living." I've started telling him I'm an astronaut.
CD: So tell me about this book you wrote.
Took this with my cell phone.
SJH: Prank the Monkey is a collection of high-stakes, massively-orchestrated pranks and media hoaxes on targets like Ashton Kutcher, Bono, Madonna, Starbucks, Wal-Mart, Charles Manson, and tons of others. I don't want to hype it too much, but I think it's the funniest book ever written in the English language. Besides the Phat Phree book, of course. I worked really hard on it, and I'm so proud of it.
CD: Well, you know what they say: If you work really hard on something, it will definitely be a success. I think that was Confucius.
SJH: But sadly, Confucius died a total failure.
CD: Are there ZUG favorites in the book, or is it all new stuff?
SJH: I'm probably best known for The Credit Card Prank, where I forged a bunch of crazy signatures like "Mariah Carey" and "Zeus" to my credit card receipts, just to see if anyone would notice. That prank is in the book, along with a few other classics. But the majority of the book, over 200 pages, is all new stuff. And it's the funniest stuff I've written.
CD: Where is Sir John Hargrave in ten years?
SJH: Probably about 48. Unless I perfect the freezing chamber I've been working on in the basement.
CD: What about 200 years?
SJH: Probably about 48. Assuming again the freezing chamber.
CD: Alright. You ready for the Phat 5 Questions?
SJH: Bring it.
CD: Who was the greatest host of "The Family Feud": Richard Dawson, Ray Combs, Louie Anderson, or Richard Karn?
SJH: Come on. Come ON. Richard Dawson was not only the greatest host of "The Family Feud," but the greatest game show host of all time. Who's better? Bob Barker? Give me a fucking break. Bob Barker is not fit to lick Richard Dawson's enormous, oversized mike. Survey says: Dawson, motherfucker!
CD: Who is the biggest asshole alive right now and what is your criteria?
SJH: Well, if we're going by sheer width, I guess I'd have to go with that guy from goatse.cx.
CD: Oh, God. The Receiver? Thanks. That image is seared in my brain. I had managed not to think about it for years, but you had to bring it up --I'm going to go throw up now.
SJH: You know those birthday cakes you can get a photo printed on? I'd love to get the goatse guy printed on a cake. That would rule. Probably a chocolate cake. Chocolate or mocha.
CD: Ugh. Let's just finish this. Celebrity sex you'd most like to see?
SJH: Lesbian three-way with Bea Arthur, Rue McClanahan, and Betty White. You could package that shit up and sell it on DVD. "The Golden Shower Girls."
CD: The best band ever: The Beatles or Journey?
SJH: I've always been partial to Stryper.
CD: That's not one of the options.
SJH: OK then, Journey covering Stryper.
CD: The Bible: True or False?
SJH: Absolutely, literally true. God said it, I believe it, that settles it.
CD: Sir John Hargrave, we are finished here. Any last words?
SJH: Buying PRANK THE MONKEY and the Phat Phree book together will provide you enough bathroom reading material to last you for several months of toilet time. Unless, you know, you've been eating a lot of cheese.
Order John's book, PRANK THE MONKEY from Amazon, and check out ZUG.com for hilarious pranks and other ways to kill time at work.
Posts: 1054 Rank: 12 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 1/23/2007 9:03:36 AM
a retard i grew up with and used to hang out with back when i was cool and liked to have fun legally changed his name when he was like 19-20 to "m. effer" - no lie. his corporate ladder has no rungs, if you catch my drift.
i've seen/ read about some of sir john's stuff.. pretty funny dude. great interview. informative & entertaining.
the bible was false while in church... Well need I go further?
The Golden girls make another appearance. Ive noticed around here articles and ideas seem to cluster like the Golden girls, Tom Selleck, anal sex, etc.
Good interview, good questions and nice work on the math homework figuring out how big a life sized Barbie's cum catcher would be based on his 1/8 inch drill hole.
I liked the end of his prank when he kept telling the secretary to drug the Mattel president and that he has a guy in Shanghai. That reminds me, I need to call my guy in Shanghai.
kind of a douche. I read the references to his website Charlie had in the article...entertaining i guess. But a whole book filled with crap like that? Congratulations, you made a customer service operator at Mattel uncomfortable... I do that to co workers, family, friends, creditors, wells fargo, quest, and people driving around me in rush hour everyday. Although i have to agree that Journey is the greatest band ever; and Steve Perry is the king of assholes (you know, in the good way).
Somewhere there is a striped shirt guy trying desperately to find that Barbie which is "engineered and built to his exact specifications" so that he may passionately ravage it.
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