Last time, we kicked Steve Jobs' ass for claiming an Apple logo made five-year-old technology "revolutionary", and I pitched the iMadouce mobile device to any Apple R&D folks who might also be TPP fans.

I'm glad I got in on the iPhone bashing the day after it was announced because everyone has done a bit about it now. Some of you had great suggestions for what else I could add to the iMadouce. Brocktoon's suggestion to include a two-shot revolver, while technically absurd (why would you ever make a two-shot gun with a revolving chamber? That's ridiculous.), was a great idea. And the creatively monikered Balls suggested a pocket pussy, which I was embarrassed to have neglected.

Now, let's get to this edition of People Who Deserve a Vicious Beating.

Some Segment Producer at ESPN
We like to make fun of ESPN a lot here, but as I imagine it is with most sports fans, it's a love/hate relationship. I love getting to see highlights of every game at 8PM daily. Their game coverage is better than NBC, CBS and Fox for every sport. I love that timber sports are televised. And I love that they treat sports news with more reverence than any network news department gives the real news.

I think if I didn't love ESPN, they wouldn't be able to make me so angry when by doing stupid shit. It's like when you see some idiot on a cell phone wreck his car, you laugh, but when your son does it, you want to smash his fucking face with an anvil.

So, when I saw ESPN teasing a segment coming up on Sportscenter yesterday asking, "Is Rex Grossman the worst quarterback in Superbowl history?" I wanted to drive to Conneticut and slap the suit off of someone at Bristol. Preferably Stuart Scott.

I imagine it going something like this (except I am not a giant black man):

When did ESPN become a gossip magazine for sports? That's a segment that belongs on "Entertainment Tonight" sandwiched between "Is Brangalina's baby getting fat?" and "How much do Paris Hilton's sunglasses cost?".

It had to be a joke. I mean, you can't do a serious piece with that topic, can you? The guy has played in a grand total of 26 games in his career. That's not even two full seasons. It's impossible for him to be the worst anything. And let's say you do want to tackle that question seriously. How would you quantify it--statistically? Maybe he is, but honestly, who gives a shit? It's a meaningless question, and it's certainly not journalism even by the absurdly relaxed standards of the day. I expect crap like that from some idiot local sports talk radio station, but from The Leader?

Get your shit together, ESPN.

***

Bill Donohue, president of the Catholic League
First of all, everyone in the Catholic League deserves a horrific, merciless, crippling beating for being a part of an organization claims to be "motivated by the letter and spirit of the First Amendment" while spending much of their time trying to censor television and films. But we've come to expect that kind of hypocrisy from religious organizations.

Apparently there is a movie called Hounddog playing at Sundance that contains a scene in which 12-year-old Dakota Fanning's character is raped. By all accounts, the scene does not contain any nudity (which is fine by me--Dakota Fanning won't be hot for at least two more years), but that hasn't deterred the Catholic League from calling for an investigation into whether child porn laws were violated. I'm sure no one at the Catholic League has seen the film (heaven forbid), but again, why does that matter?

None of this is out of the ordinary for the meddlesome, self-righteous do-gooders at the Catholic League, but Bill Donohue's quote belongs in the Hall of Fame of the Most Asinine Things Ever Said.

"The Catholic Church has been criticized for allowing sexual abuse of minors to occur," he said. "Let's see now whether Hollywood will be held to the same level of scrutiny."

Read that quote again.

When I first saw it, I must have reread it ten times thinking, I must be missing a word in there or something. I know this guy can't be comparing real child rape to a scene in a fictional movie. Let me get this straight. In effect he's saying, "Hey, if you're going to get mad at us for raping some kids and then covering it up, you should get mad at them for making a movie about how destructive sexual abuse is to a young girl." This guy is the president of the Catholic League. The fucking president.

I imagine him giving his statement to room full of reporters, and after a moment of shocked silence, the crowd bursts into laughter. Then they drag him out back and lynch him.

I guess it shouldn't be that big of a shock that the same people who base their belief system on a book of fiction don't recognize the difference between make believe and real life in a movie either.

***

I was going to rant about Bill O'Reilly's comment that the kid who was kidnapped for four years "liked it" and that same kid's parents taking him on "Oprah" and other talk shows, but it is all just too goddamn depressing. And besides, what's the point? We all know O'Reilly and Oprah are despicable.

So let's end on lighter note:

Josh Glass, CEO of Beverage Concepts
In the Baby Boomers' seemingly non-stop effort to rape their own culture for profit, a company called Beverage Concepts is launching a new energy drink called "Liquid Experience" sporting the likeness of Jimi Hendrix. Is there anything these fucking assholes won't do for money? I'm serious. Led Zepplin shilling for Cadillac, Dennis Hopper doing ads for the GAP, Rosa Parks in a Ford commercial... If there was a way they could go back in time and charge for "free love", they'd fucking do it in a heartbeat.

Now, I've never been accused of being a sentimental guy and Jimi Hendrix, while one of my favorite musicians, isn't even a part of my childhood, but I know the man deserves better than to be slapped on a bottle of caffeinated camel urine.

Beverage Concepts has another explanation for it: "The opportunity called for a high quality, all natural beverage line in a "value intense" package that connects (to) its customers in the form of a music icon that has a brand identity."

Now, I don't know what the fuck that means, but if I heard someone say it, I'd want to murder their whole family. I do know Jimi Hendrix would be absolutely horrified to know that he was being referred to as "a music icon that has brand identity." What a fucking disgrace.

I hope you die soon, Josh Glass.