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I know last time I short-changed you with the short column, but I plan to make it up to you in this time. We've got a bounty of idiots in the news right now, and I plan on getting to all of them
Let's get to it. Volume four of People Who Deserve a Vicious Beating:
Everyone who works at CNN This Anna Nicole shit is completely out of control. I literally have no idea what qualifies as news anymore. Granted, I don't have a degree in journalism, but I can't imagine that the mind numbing garbage that litters the CNN's cable stations and their website is what they teach journalism students in college. I do remember that every kid who was a Communications major was a fucking moron. Most of them chose that major because they weren't "good at math." And, I'm sorry, but not being "good" at math is a reliable indication that you are, in fact, a fucking moron. Maybe that explains why the news has devolved into an industry for idiots, by idiots.
Since Anna Nicole Smith's "tragic" death on the 8th of this month, there have been 50 articles posted about her on CNN.com. Five-zero. That's almost four a day, one every six hours, and that doesn't count when they update developing stories or all the repurposed video content from the cable network (amazing synergy!). In comparison, there have only been 32 stories that mention George Bush. Dead whore 50, man-child president 32.
Some dumb hooker who was hot for ten minutes a decade ago finally dying, whatever the circumstances, isn't news. I don't care how many sad, gold digging chumps claim to have fertilized her rancid eggs. I don't care if she fucked some government official in the Bahamas. I don't care who gets that dead oil baron's money. She was no-talent, drug addict prostitute who drove her teenage son to drugs and his own death, and was reportedly starving her infant daughter so she would be "sexy." How is this tragic, and more importantly, how is it news?
Am I being insensitive? Fuck you. The best thing that ever happened to that baby was her mom dying. It's awful that she has to grow up without a mother, but it can't possibly be worse than growing up with that woman as your mother. Just ask her son, Da- whoops.
By comparison, the other shit CNN has been running looks like the moon landing: Idiot Mountain Climbers and Dog Rescued, Prince Harry Going to Iraq?, Gay Hip-Hop Artist Trying to Reclaim F-Word, Britney Spears Shaves Head, Desperate Housewives Star Has Twins.
Fuck you CNN. Fuck all of you.
Britney Spears Another worthless hooker who can't seem to irrevocably mess up her kids fast enough has been in the "news." Can you imagine the media circus when she finally kills herself? Jesus.
The second-worst late night host on TV, Craig Ferguson, nixed his monologue yesterday in favor of ten-minute rant about how the media is too hard on Britney. "She's just a baby," he said. I say bullshit. If this bitch is enough of an adult to have kids, she'd better be able to remember to cover her disgusting, wrinkled labia (that shit looked like Jaba the Hut's mouth) when she's out on the town, not to mention getting off the sauce for the sake of her baby. By the way Brit, way to go into rehab for 10 hours- I'm sure that drug problem is all cleared up.
Is it actually possible that Kevin Federline, a man I am immeasurably disappointed to even have heard of, is the better parent? If there ever was a legitimate argument against evolution it is the fact that those two genetic have-nots were able to successfully procreate. No way nature lets that happen.
Let's just hope Britney has the courtesy to O.D. before she pinches off another turd in the gene pool.
Great article. "man-child president"? We used to call Shawn Kemp "Man-Child" and it was a compliment. Unfortunately not the same for Dubya. And they both had/have coke habits. Unless 8 illegitimate kids pop up from George I think the similarities end there.
I laughed the whole way through the Kidd transcript. I think she loses credibility when she mentions all that hardcore shit and throws in "Assault with a Chips Ahoy".
Posts: 214 Rank: 16 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Pasadena, CA
Posted: 2/22/2007 9:03:09 AM
Used up blonde skanks are not news-worthy. Of course, I subscribe to the New York Post which treats this as front page news. I had never coonsidered the evolutionary consequences of Brittney's kids. Perhaps Darwin was a fucktard. (thank you TPP for my new favorite word.)
Posts: 1069 Rank: 12 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 2/22/2007 9:27:49 AM
the local radio station keeps running an audio clip of ANS from her "i'm fat as fuck and smacked out of my mind" tv show a few years back right before any "breaking anna news" - she's asking her son (in a voice that would make rick james think "that bitch is on drugs"): "diiid you git sumthin' tah eeeeaaattt??" it's too painful to try and look for it online, but makes me laugh every time i hear it...
britney- two words: "imma - ture" her "drunken whorishness" is nothing you wouldnt find on a university campus thursday-sunday morning. grow the fuck up. handle your fucking shit (kids & recreational drug use - you are NOT AN ADDICT as much as the press is trying to make it seem like you are) you sloppy ass fucking dumb bitch.
kidd is a prick but doesn't the wife have a father, or brother, or cousin (male) for fucks sake?? if either of these hasn't shown up and pounded kidd's face into 10 more kinds of stupid by now she is either making the "attacks" up, or she's a gold diggin tramp. to quote neon dieon sanders in his totally awesome pizza hut commercial, "both" - would be my guess.
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 2/22/2007 9:50:58 AM
I literally feel sick after reading that case file. What an encouragable fucking asshole. I really don't know what to say besides that. And deuce is right: if you're a male friend of hers you should have taken a fucking bat to his skull by now. Who kicks a woman in the stomach? And, granted, this is only her side of the story, but if even HALF of that shit is true he ought to be fitted for an orange jump suit. He went to my alma mater too. This is a sad day for Cal.
Asmar, I shit on your comment for saying that you subscribe to the NY Post. That crap is an insult to all those that can read and write.
Posts: 214 Rank: 16 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Pasadena, CA
Posted: 2/22/2007 9:59:07 AM
Do you shit on my comment or on the post? Both are insulting to those who read and write. I get it because I can read the whole paper while taking a dump. Plus my girlfriend loves the 4 pages of pics of celebrities walking around Manhattan. Who doesn't enjoy reporting biased IN FAVOR OF Hillary? I must admit, the real reason I buy it--Sudoku.
Posts: 368 Rank: 22 Joined:
2/21/2007
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 2/22/2007 9:59:48 AM
Solid article. I just don't understand how the American public is so stupid that they want to watch this shit on the news. I suppose if the alternative is more made up stories from the Pentagon, then I don't care. I guess that's why I don't watch the news.
By the way, Craig Ferguson is only the second-worst late night talk show host? I'm not trying to tell anyone that Conan or Kimmel are the Messiah of bad interviews, but Ferguson sucks a huge one.
Over 3k dead in Iraq, and CNN leads with a golddigger who most recently was the spokesperson for diet pills and apparently banged the phone book within the last 9 months. Great performance in Naked Gun 3, but still. The old adage is true, you can't shine shit.
We need to start a pool on TPP about Britney's suicide. Maybe 10 bucks to enter, closest date takes all. Going with March 6.
She married Kidd after getting her ass kicked. To quote the late, great James Brown. "If you didn't want the job, you should not have took it."
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Everyone who works at CNN
Britney Spears
