Are you tired of slaving away for that shithead boss who's 14-year-old niece could probably do his job better? Are you sick of those co-workers who come to your desk every day and ask to borrow pencils and staples when your cubicle is right next to the supply closet? Do you wish you didn't have to hide in the shitter and sleep on a roll of toilet paper to pass the time at your boring job? Well, we here at the Phat Phree feel your pain. This month�s installment of the Top 50 list is full of ways to quickly get yourself out of that crappy, dead-end job.

50.		The Auctioneer
		Sell office items on ebay. "Hey Mr. Jones, I need your chair. Some guy in Boston bought it for 85 bucks... You believe that? Don't worry; I'll cut you in. How's 80/20 sound? It's only fair since I did the all work."
49.		The Cookout
		Cook your lunch on a charcoal grill you brought into your cubicle. Slaughtering the pig at your desk before you fabricate and cook it, wouldn't hurt either.
48.		The Happy Birthday
		When a birthday card is being passed around the office to be signed, instead of signing �Happy Birthday�, sign, �I will taste your flesh.�
47.		The J - E - W
		When your boss enters your office while you are on the phone, quickly wrap up the call with, �I'm gonna have to call you later. The J - E - W is back.�
46.		The Worm
		Store live bait in the refrigerator with a price tag. When confronted, ask how much they want. Then when they insist you remove it, deny having put it there, and get angry at the implication.
45.		The Dreamcatcher
		Send out a play-by-play email detailing the dream you had about Suzy the temp, the boss' teenage daughter and your ex-girlfriend. The more descriptive and lewd the details the better. Make sure to focus how depraved the boss' daughter was.
44.		The Material Girl
		Tape the paper cones from the water cooler onto your chest and sing "Material Girl" at the top of your lungs into a stapler. Refuse to stop.
43.		The Switcheroo
		Repeatedly change your boss' homepage to farmgirls.com, and then put a repair request into the IT department from his email.
42.		The Ma Fratelli
		Take whatever money you have in your pocket and make B&W copies of the bills on the office copy machine while laughing manically and repeating, �It�s too fucking easy��
41.		The Elephant
		Walk around the office with your pockets out and your cock dangling from your open zipper. When confronted, make an elephant noise and then chase them around screaming, "STAMPEDE" and laughing hysterically.
40.		The Sex Chair
		Insist your coworkers smell your chair, repeatedly saying that it smells like sex. Constantly comment about how hard it is to concentrate with the sweet smell of sex in the air. *Having an erection the whole time really sells this one.
39.		The Racist
		When your office manager posts the State affirmative action laws, saunter over to them, read them out loud, stopping to laugh after each, then turn around and say quite loudly, "Yeah right. We'd be outta business in a month.�
38.		The Halloween Boss
		On Halloween, come in piss drunk and dressed like your boss (doesn't matter man or woman). Walk around the office slurring your words and repeatedly insist, "I am the boss! Look at me!" Be sure to piss yourself and fire anyone who crosses you.
37.		The Resume Shocker
		Print out your resume on the office printer and leave it there. Next to your current job, list your duties as �two in the pink, one in the stink.�
36.		The Old 86er
		When a woman in the office takes orders for Girl Scout cookies, put down �86� by your name. Then when the order for 86 boxes of cookies comes in, look confused and tell her that you were just �86�ing the idea that you'd buy Girl Scout cookies from her daughter. Then tell her that the wrinkles around her eyes are making her look old.
35.		The Health Plan Brunch
		When the company is having a doughnut brunch to explain their new health insurance plan, ask, �So, which STDs are covered by this policy? Does a new outbreak of herpes count as a pre-existing condition? What if it's a form of hepatitis that is not currently found in the USA, but you can only get it from Russian prisons and Malaysian teen prostitutes? You know, that kind that causes the pus blisters on your hands? What would be my deductible?� Then touch everybody�s doughnuts.
34.		The Jesus Hates Vending Machines
		Punch a hole through the vending machine and steal all the candy. When they ask you why you did it, tell them you had a very good reason: you killed the vending machine because it was a homosexual.
33.		The Three's Company
		Tell your boss that you�re the star of the company, and you demand 10% of the gross profits, and they could never continue without you.
32.		The Baby Talker
		Communicate with your coworkers only in baby talk. "Baby wanna status report... aww goochie goochie. Baby smells poopy."
31.		The Scalper
		Send out an e-mail asking "Is there anyone that would like Free tickets to tonight�s NBA Game?" Reply to all inquiries with "Yeah, me too"
30.		The Dartboard
		Hang a dartboard up and in the center of it, hang a photo of an underwear model from the Sears catalog. Title the photo your boss' little package.
29.		The Skeptic
		Anytime you are in a meeting, raise your hand and and ask your boss, "What makes you so smart?" or "How�d you figure that Einstein?" or "You come up with that all by yourself, champ?"
28.		The Sales Opportunity
		If someone tries soliciting candy for one of their kid's fund raising endeavors, just tell them the following, "No thanks, but have your kid talk to me if they want to make some "REAL money." Then just sit there rubbing your lap over and over smiling.
27.		The Prank Page
		Make prank calls to the receptionist and have her page you for a phone call. Then hang up. Immediately call back and call her an incompetent whore. When she pages you again, hang up. Then go up to the front and scream at her in person. After you slap her around a bit, let her in on the joke.
26.		The Diaper
		Brag about how much more work you've gotten done since you started wearing Depends. Lie down on top of your desk and change yourself periodically throughout the day. Talk to yourself in the baby voice while you do it, "You are a good boy. A BIG boy too. Look at you." Leave the soiled diapers in your regular trash.