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12/4/2005
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Posted: 2/27/2006
Hey, you, Some Guy. It’s me, Some Girl. I guess we might as well have a life together. We’re on a schedule here. I’m in my mid to late twenties; you’re two years older than me. We’re at about the same level of attractiveness. We have comparable educations. I need to mate, and you’ll probably do as well as anyone else. Let’s begin this typical courtship process, shall we?
You want sex? Fine. Roll around on me for a while. Whatever gets this moving. Are you done? Good. Now go tell your friend...
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Pretty good job. Way to take life down, or in my case, up, to a mediocre experience that just isn't worth the price of admission. Well done.
Homeless Man
Hmmmm
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Posted: 2/27/2006 4:17:45 AM
This was kind of done already with "Nice to meet you lying whore" in the best of year edition.
Billy
Nice
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Posted: 2/27/2006 8:03:00 AM
You sound like a winner, lots of hope.
Myrtle is nice in the spring.
K.W.
Homeless
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Posted: 2/27/2006 8:45:34 AM
Homeless, the site is updated daily. Eventually two writers are going to touch on the same subject. It's still going to be a lot different though.
Polk, loved it man. Got into it and kind of forgot the woman was talking until "you can pick me up at eight." Nice touch.
J-Dub
Fuck
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Posted: 2/27/2006 9:16:46 AM
My God, I feel like hanging myself after reading this artile. Well done on bringing me way down to a low that I have never been at before, yet at the same time making me chuckle.
George
Best Line
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Posted: 2/27/2006 9:18:30 AM
"There will be several dogs."
Rinkie
My God...
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Posted: 2/27/2006 9:25:47 AM
Life is beautiful. It truly is.
joe
wow
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Posted: 2/27/2006 9:27:25 AM
wow, really hit the nail on the head. If it was not so true it would be really funny.
Sauce
Wow
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Posted: 2/27/2006 9:51:20 AM
What an eye-opener. Pure genius Mike. Keep 'em comming.
Steve McQueen
Damn
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Post #: 10
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Posted: 2/27/2006 9:54:24 AM
You are a 'glass-half full' kind of guy, huh?
BA II
C'mon Mike....
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Posted: 2/27/2006 9:56:37 AM
What's the matter, big guy? Hmm? You wanna a soda?
Pat
BRILLIANT
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Post #: 12
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Posted: 2/27/2006 9:59:27 AM
That was the most existentially depressing article I've ever seen on this site. Awesome!
deuce
so true
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Posted: 2/27/2006 10:11:41 AM
"I will act as if I am the first pregnant person ever."
not only does the offender in question act this way, but everyone she surrounds herself with does too..
nice work, mike.
Atlas
Fuck Ya
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Posted: 2/27/2006 10:20:14 AM
Polk your social commentary is right on as usual. Your ability to boil down complex issues to their pathetic core is unrivalled.
Also I don't see Polk as a glass half empty guy, I like to think he is prodding people to break out of this monotonous cycle by pointing out that they are lemmings.
Milton
Spot on!
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Posted: 2/27/2006 10:29:01 AM
this is hilarious. The last relationship I was in was going in this direction.
You can try and paint pretty pictures of this but this articel is EXACTLY what its like these days.
The the glass is neither half full or empty. The glass is too big.
Christine
My Dear God
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Posted: 2/27/2006 10:35:04 AM
I just had to leave my office after reading that article. I went downstairs, smoked 5 cigarettes, and contemplated jumping in front of a Coke truck, but i'm a pepsi girl so I refrained. The life you so keenly ridicule with your article is inevitable and will happen to us all. God, that's depressing. Way to go Mike!! Thanks. And thanks to Charlie for posting it on a bitter cold Monday morning.
kayvon
splinter site
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Posted: 2/27/2006 10:37:49 AM
I think TPP should consider making a spin-off site, totally dedicated to pounding away all of life's depressing, fatalist truths. www.thehopephree.com, perhaps? thewillphree.com? thephaithphree? I'd definitely be into it.
DSK
depressing
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Posted: 2/27/2006 10:38:33 AM
Yeah, anyone know the girl that doesn't fit the below? If so introduce me.
"I have no aspirations to write a great book that will change the way people think, I don’t want to travel the world and witness the majesty and diversity of foreign lands, I don’t want to dedicate my life to intellectual or philosophical pursuits in an attempt to take my mind places that no one has ever gone- I just want to look skinnier in my dress than my bridesmaids."
Patrick
my god
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Posted: 2/27/2006 10:42:28 AM
If I didn't have a deadline today, I would go home. Still funny. Great read.
JP
Outstanding...
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Posted: 2/27/2006 10:51:58 AM
Just when I thought I would never laugh again. My God, I am witnessing this charade all around me... I wish my 43rd story window had a door. Well done, Polk.
Tom A
We Use the Deck Constantly
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Posted: 2/27/2006 11:12:08 AM
Really.
We do.
Chris Bailey
Not funny
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Posted: 2/27/2006 11:17:00 AM
This article is not the least bit funny, and in that fact lies it's brilliance. A perfect Monday morning article. Polk for Pres in '08.
Court
Unsurpassed
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Posted: 2/27/2006 11:20:42 AM
Oh man, that was so money. There is no room left for any more humor in the day. Monday is now saturated.
Ted 19
$
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Posted: 2/27/2006 11:59:15 AM
This is biting satire in it's highest form. Phat Phree surprises you every once in a while but getting away from the sex jokes and providing a thought provoking piece like this. Well done.
The GZA
So true
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Posted: 2/27/2006 12:13:42 PM
Not really funny except for the "there will be several dogs" line, but excellent commentary on the world we live in. Thank God i'm not heading down this road any longer, but many of my friends are well on there way. I'll be passing on the link to this article to ruin all of their Mondays.
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