I’m Catholic. Kinda. I fell of the wagon when I knocked out three of the seven deadly sins one night with my penis (lust), a bottle of Beam (gluttony) and this girl with tits the size of St. Peter’s Basilica (pride). At least I didn’t go Mormon crazy. Those kids don’t fall off the wagon. They jump off and jet pack into a mountain of black tar heroine and transvestite hookers. Catholicism is like Mormon Lite, because Catholics tend to rebel but not that much. They will have premarital sex in a movie theater, but at least it won’t be with everyone in the theater, unless they’re really, really Catholic. I still consider myself a Catholic, because I always bless myself whenever I hear a siren. It’s just part of the upbringing and I grew up next to a firehouse, so the whole family was always flailing their arms about like they were made out of rubber bands. Now I’m what my mom calls a cafeteria Catholic. I pick and choose what to believe in. “No sex before marriage? Jesus Christ, I’ve been having that dish for 25 years. Oooh, forgiveness for anything I do wrong; mmm, I’ll have that.” I’m a real picky eater now.
THOU SHALT KEEP THE SABBATH HOLY “No thanks. I’m still full from the last supper.” I can’t help but feel guilty about not going to Church now and I blame Jesus. He started this whole thing. If it wasn’t for him, maybe I wouldn’t be the guy who watched The 40-Year Old Virgin and notice an uncanny amount of similarities with my life. Maybe I would’ve had a normal childhood, but that’s hard when you are forced to go to Church every Sunday. Take the accompanying picture, the cover for one of our weekly church newsletters. The title is “The Holy Family” and it shows (1) Joseph wielding an axe around a child, (2) a young Jesus carrying wood in the shape of a cross – the thing he would be nailed to later on in his life. Couldn’t the artist have been a bit more subtle? – (3) and Mary spinning yarn, or possibly a rotting spit of gyro meat. (4) If you look closely, she’s coiling the thread-meat into a crucifix, which is interesting because it doesn’t officially come up in the life of Jesus for another three decades. It’s as if they’re pushing their child into martyrdom. At least ring toss was readily available with those tiny hula hoops around everyone’s head, except for Joseph’s. He didn’t get a halo even though he continued to be with Mary after her excuse of, “No honey really, it wasn’t the shopkeeper. It was an angel. I swear to…” God, I had to stare at stuff like this for an hour every week.
THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME “Ok, but just a little, I already had some honor thy father and mother.” When I was young, I actually thought I was the Messiah, because whenever I would ask my mom why I was so much younger than my siblings, she would say,
“Ronnie, you were a gift from God.” I thought this meant I was some sort of Jesus 2.0.
“Just be glad you’re here,” my dad said and poured a second glass of wine.
Catholic Happy Hour
Translation, I was conceived right after the words, “Oh shit.” I chose to side with my mother because whenever I sided with my dad, I would end up crying. I took that “gift from God” line literally, though. I mean, Jesus wore sandals, I wore sandals, Jesus carried a cross, I took out the garbage on Thursdays, “Why not me?” But I was ready, a little too ready. When I was nine, I accidentally cut the palm of my hand and immediately thought I had the stigmata. So I chucked a handful of rocks at my older brother, reloaded and told him to turn the other cheek. Over his pagan screams, I told my parents that it was God’s will to stone the sin out of him because he had pummeled mine out the day before. They were nonbelievers.
THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD IN VAIN “Ok, but what if you stub your toe?” I tried to be a good Catholic kid, but you can’t help but question a way of life based entirely on faith, or what a gambler calls “a gut feeling.” Nearly every culture in history worships a god; how do we know ours is the right one? I went to Catholic school for 10 years and the qualities of compassion and kindness don’t jump to the front of my mind when I think about the experience. Being called stupid, threats of eternal hellfire and classrooms filled with crucifixes that were way too lifelike are what I remember. Catholics worship a God who is all loving and yet incredibly wrathful at the same time. Jesus H. Christ, that’s not a God, that’s bi-polar.
THOU SHALT NOT KILL, STEAL, COMMIT ADULTRY, BEAR FALSE WITNESS, COVET THY NEIGHBOR’S WIFE OR PROPERTY OR DO ANYTHING ELSE THAT’S FUN. “I’m just not that hungry anymore.” Sin is like a break, a break that involves cheap booze and no-regret sex. Today’s Catholics don’t have halos or any other physically distinguishable characteristics (those are the Jews), but you can still tell who we are. We’re the chick who is blowing you in the club with a crucifix necklace dangling between her titties. We’re the guy who blesses himself with a Bud Light when he drives past a cemetery. We’re the mom who only turns the other cheek when she sees a dirty hobo. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to replace the confessional door with a turnstile. Then I’m going to hit up the communion line a few times and blood of Christ it a few times before I hit the bars. Amen.
Hooray Mormon Jokes! Posted: 11/8/2005by: Jordan (See title) Hey Harry! Posted: 10/31/2005by: Mike_D28 Lighten up!!!!!
Catholics Posted: 10/31/2005by: ACM Catholics are my favorit Christians. They don't take themselves too seriously. Most of 'em anyway. steve is a moron Posted: 10/31/2005by: arthur first of all, great article....captured the very essence of repressed catholics very well (apparently we can smell our own)
But onto the more important point: steve's incoherent babbling. Beyond the terrible grammar and misspellings (it's 'naive'...dumbass), the "bible-beaters" comment really stood out to me. This article was, not subtly, making fun of those very people. Not too sure if Steve got that point, because if he did... well he needs to go back to 3rd grade to learn some english.
on a completely unrelated topic, Steve, are you from the South? Hypocrisy Revisited Posted: 10/31/2005by: Harry Not really the place for this type of discussion, but I hear the "hypocrisy" accusation thrown at organized religion all the time, and I don't think it's completely accurate.
I think the hypocrisy is in those who proclaim themselves religious and announce their _____ faith at every instance, but don't back it up with the way they live their lives. The Catholic Church (and other faiths/traditions, for that matter) does not say you can find salvation through form and gestures alone, so you can't really pin the disconnect between word and action on the Church so much as on the individual. THE BIBLE Posted: 10/31/2005by: STEVE It's the greatest piece of fiction ever written. You have to be nieve and unrealistic to believe in a higher power and religion. Let's get tuned back in with reality here bible beaters. good read Posted: 10/31/2005by: MKF Fell off the Catholic bandwagon approximately 5-10 minutes after being baptized as a baby... but years of hearing Grandma complain about sinning and sinners makes this story quite funny. Nice article, well done. hilarious Posted: 10/31/2005by: art im catholic, practicing, my folks were confirmed by the last pope in Poland when they were teenagers... this is hilarious Typical Posted: 10/31/2005by: Soylent Green Not bad... It had some funny bits and some not so funny bits. A fair overview of the hypocrisy that is organized religion. uhhhh Posted: 10/31/2005by: jay Could've been funny but no, it wasn't.
