Before Ikea, it was nearly impossible for me to satisfy my diverging passions of embossed golf pencils, tape measures, and tiny meatballs. My only criticism is that their picture-only instructions are sometimes confusing, which is why they hired me to American-ize their directions. Well they didnt exactly hire me, yet. But they will after they read copy that massages the shit out of the English language.
1. EXPEDIT Expedit is a Swedish word and actually has a similar definition to its English counterpart, Expedite.
v 1: speed up the progress of annoyance, piss off; I dont care what the picture says, this doesnt expedit shit. [syn: dammit!] 2: Ow, I just banged my finger; No, fuck the emergency room, I dont have health insurance. Just give me a band aid and a banana.
2. ENGLISH, DUTCH, FRENCH, THE TRUTH As wall materials vary, screws for fixing to wall are not included. The only screw that is included is the one we gave you. $149 for about $10 worth of particleboard; thanks for funding the Swedish social welfare system.
3. TOOLS All youll need is a screwdriver, hammer, pencil, lots of asymmetrical white space and a smile! A smile that goes so far back that your entire face can unhinge like a Pez dispenser. Ready to get to work, man blob?! All right, gimme five. Sorry, I meant two. Theres nothing wrong with having two fingers. Its totally cool. No, dont touch me. Its creepy. Yeah, you look stupid when you give me the finger.
4. CARRYING INSTRUCTIONS DONT just pleasure yourself with the building materials, pleasure a friend too. Especially the one whose head is filled with giant tumors. People with tumors are generally excited to be included in activities with non-cancerous people. You can tell hes excited when he releases a dump into his pants.
5. QUESTIONS? If a rectangle and a square cause you to think in punctuation marks or if youre looking at a mimeographed Communist leaflet instead of the instruction booklet, then call Ikea. Make sure to use the phone that is directly attached to the building or your call wont go through.
6. ASSEMBLY INSTRUCTIONS DONT fuck the bookcase. You will break it. This is virgin lumber and must be treated as such. DO put the bookcase on a magic carpet and fly all over the world for Ikeas new awareness ad campaign about not fucking the bookcases (PS, you can fuck the bookcase when no one is watching.)
7. FINAL STEP Whoa, who are these guys? What happened to the man blob? Did the superior cartoon doodles kill him because he kept impaling the bookcase with his blob penis? Or are they just racists? I bet if Ikea was drawing a basketball game, everyone would be the same except for the guy dunking, who just happens to be black.
They ended up hiring me on full time to write copy. Im currently writing this in my new complimentary, pre-fab, three-bedroom house from Ikea. (DMISILE - Order #: 0053478) They even sent over a couple of naked cartoon man people to assemble it. Sven, the one with the tumors, is massaging my fingers as I type. Im going to live here forever, or until the next hard rain dissolves my home into particleboard mush. Lng levande Ikea!
Nice :) Posted: 4/15/2006by: mr me "or if youre looking at a mimeographed Communist leaflet instead of the instruction booklet, then call Ikea." Hehe :)
Just FYI, it's "Lng leve IKEA", "Lng levande" means more like Long living then Long live. OK you hooked me on this one... Posted: 2/4/2006by: Gary I just found your site tonight and thoroughly enjoyed it, especially the IKEA piece. I don't think I've seen anything this funny in a while. And it's funny b/c it's true! IKEA is crap... Get a map! Posted: 2/4/2006by: Gurrah "2. ENGLISH, DUTCH, FRENCH, THE TRUTH"
Dutch and German are two different things - the same way Austria and Australia are two different things. Get a map! IKEA! Posted: 1/31/2006by: cory Love the bookcases !!!! PS, you can fuck the bookcase when no one is watching. funny Posted: 1/30/2006by: miranda omg that is the funniest damn thing i have ever read in my entire life i am still laughing I Was Out Posted: 1/30/2006by: Tom A on Friday.
Would have been good for a dozen more, easy.
P.S. Godfather I and II, MP and the Holy Grail, Shawshank Redemption, Meaning of Life, Dead Poet's Society, Thunder Road.
"Leave the gun. Take the cannoli." "Pool...and a pond. Pond would be good for you." "You'll need rubber gloves - do you own rubber gloves?" "I rent them. I have a lease with an option to buy." "Aquatic fantasy does not a sound system of government make!" "Better. Better get me a bucket." "I'm NOT the Messiah - now fuck off!" "I think a man's got a right to enjoy a bottle of suds after a hard day of working outdoors, that's all." Christine Posted: 1/30/2006by: matt Hey I tried. I was posting all sorts of crap up there. eeven the bs filibuster one. Anyways it loses a lot when it is just one person posting Deuce Posted: 1/30/2006by: Christine Whats even freakier was that I was going to write, "I don't want to be like the girl in Can't Hardly Wait" but I didn't think anyone would know what I was talking about. But that is who I feel like when I try to get a bunch of anoymous posters to collaborate on a project.
I was seriously like, "Come on guys!!! 100 to go!! YAY, I know we can do this"
I'm with ya Posted: 1/30/2006by: The GZA But I feel we exhausted some good topics on Friday. Hopefully there will be an article that will lead us off on a tangent that has some legs. "cant hardly wait" Posted: 1/30/2006by: deuce christine - you just reminded me of the sabrina teenage witch character from that movie trying to get everyone to sign her yearbook to which seth green responds "NO THANKS NO TIME!"
but in a good way. 225 or so wasnt bad for a friday.
