First of all, I would like to thank all you ladies for inviting me here today to be the keynote speaker at the Girl’s Rejecting Our Society’s Standards (GROSS) annual convention. It is an honor to be here with such a special group of women.
I would like to take this special chance to thank you all. Without you fat, ugly, homely, cock-eyed, and big-eared women of the world, I would never have the nerve to hit on actual attractive women.
You see, we have a sort of symbiotic relationship: I go to bars, clubs, supermarkets, and middle school field-hockey games with the intention of meeting and sleeping with beautiful and promiscuous women. But there is one important obstacle: I lack the confidence to speak with these gorgeous females. That is where you all come in.
Ugly women throw themselves at me like dick is going extinct and the last of the species is swinging between my legs. They flatter me, grab my ass, buy me drinks, and insist that I tickle their extra chins. In turn, I use this newfound self-confidence to hit on the better-looking women that I would be proud to nail without the aide of a paper bag.
Yes I'd love a drink
You may be asking, “If this is a symbiotic relationship, then what am I, the ugly woman, getting in return?” That is a great question, and the answer is simple: sometimes I will fuck you. In those situations where I drink a few too many and forget to talk to human-looking women, I give in to your advances and allow you to take me back to your place (NEVER my apartment; you are not allowed to know where I live). I will insist that we turn out the lights before I have drunk, sloppy sex with my eyes shut tight and my hand over my nose. I don’t care whether or not you climaxed and I will never know, because once I spill my yogurt I am out the door as fast as I can get my pants back on.
Looking around the room today I can see a few of the many hideous women that have helped me to get laid in the past few years.
Is that you back there, Suzie? I remember the night you told me I was the best-looking guy at the bar and slipped me your room key. Unfortunately your crooked nose and pit-stained blouse kept me from reciprocating those feelings. But I used the momentum from our conversation to score a threesome with two girls much hotter than you that understood the concept of deodorant. A threesome!
Not a good look for you
And Mary, how could I forget about you? You wanted to take me out to dinner, but you have a gap in your teeth that made you look like Michael Strahan. While you were in the bathroom I got your sister’s number instead. If you ever get braces and give head half as good as her, I will finally take you up on that dinner.
And Beth, I saw you on the way in. You managed to get me so drunk that I forgot about your surfboard chest, hairy lower back and acne scars long enough to take you into the men’s room. What a fabulous time that must have been for you. Sorry about ruining your contact lens that night. If I had known my semen would paste it to your eye and leave you temporarily blind I would have been a gentleman and aimed for your hair, or at least given you a pearl necklace.
That is why I am here to thank each and every one of you; this past year has been very good for us all. I will be at the hotel bar tonight trying to sleep with the slutty blonde bartender with the butterfly tattoo right above her ass. If anyone would care to join me for a drink (on you of course), I could use a shot of confidence.
- Posted: 10/31/2005by: D-Block I thought so "homeboy"!
Fight the power bro Dercock Posted: 10/31/2005by: Eugene Yeah, you got me pal. - Posted: 10/31/2005by: Derek Sploogene, how many times are you going to make a lame post, re-read it and then blame it on somebody else?
Just curious. I'm not sure Posted: 10/31/2005by: The real Eugene why this kid keeps posting as me. His posts are actually not that unfunny, so he should muster enough courage and post under his own gay identity.
Article was funny. I'v fucked my share of unattractive broads, and yes, even one or two really hedeous broads. It's an awful, awful feeling. steve Posted: 10/31/2005by: deuce the only way to send Eugene pictures is to first shout "where you at" on his boost mobile phone, find out where he is actually located, and hand deliver. EUGENE Posted: 10/31/2005by: STEVE Pipe down there Internet Fabio. If I ever sent you pics of the girls I've fucked, you wouldnt even believe it so theres no reason to even start this arguement. I've never seen you nor your bitches, but the fact is that I would bet my fuckin life that the 35 or so (give or take a bitch) bitches I've fucked, would blow your nasty skanks out of the water, without a doubt...and I know that so I'm not even arguing anymore.
Although wiggers who listen to Canibus rap music do get their fare share of pussy I must admit... STEVE Posted: 10/31/2005by: Eugene If not for ugly women Steve would still be a Virgin possibly even Gay. What a pathetic piece of shit. You could give Out your Email address, Home address,and Phone number and inform women that you have a suitcase full of $100's to give them and still not get any good looking takers.
Face it Steve you will be sleeping with West Virginia rejects for the rest of you life.
You might as well turn to Farm animals as they just might lower themselves to sleep with you. Better quote Posted: 10/31/2005by: beanie "If I had known my semen would paste it to your eye and leave you temporarily blind I would have been a gentleman and aimed for your hair, or at least given you a pearl necklace." -my favorite line of the day quote of the day Posted: 10/31/2005by: Snap "Ugly women throw themselves at me like dick is going extinct and the last of the species is swinging between my legs." So, so true. Good work. KELLY Posted: 10/31/2005by: STEVE You fuck guys from AOL??? No shit?! Well guess who else is on AOL....That's right, this guy. Maybe we can chat sometime online and meet up and I'll wack you doggy. After I bust a shot on your assneck, I'll give you a swift donkeypunch and LOL right out the front door. SCUBASTEVECM, lets chat!!
