She got away. Thats the fourth one this week. Well, that about seals it. I am without a doubt the worst rapist in the world.
No, dont. Dont try to make me feel better. Im not fishing for sympathy here. Im merely stating an obvious fact. I cant pull off a decent rape to save my life.
Tonights failure was a new low, even for a crappy rapist like me. She told me to wait out in the BP minimart while she went into the bathroom and fixed her makeup. She said she wanted to look nice for the rape, which at the time I considered to be extremely considerate. So Im standing around waiting outside the ladies room like a goof for at least 25 minutes, trying to look inconspicuous by thumbing through an US Weekly, when it occurs to me that she had probably snuck out a back window. I didnt even investigate to confirm my suspicion. I was too mortified by own incompetence. I just got in my van and drove off.
Why did I even let her talk me into stopping off at that gas station to get snacks? What kind of a ruthless sex offender lets his quarry bully him into stopping for Combos?
Man Im a bad rapist.
At least I somehow managed to get that one into my minivan. Thats much further than I got with my last two would-be victims. Like that brunette lady in the park the other day. I really thought that I did everything right that time. I drove right up to her and said Get in the car lady! and she just kept walking like she didnt even hear me. But Im pretty sure she did. So I said it again, louder this time. And she stopped and said Leave me alone you loser! I apologized and quickly drove away.
Ive never dealt well with conflict.
You know what I really hate? When they laugh at me. Like, the other day when I jumped out of that alley and I yelled at that heavyset little blonde woman, This is a rape! And she just laughed and laughed like it was the funniest thing she had ever heard. I got so embarassed that I just ran away. And that made her laugh even harder. I could hear her for like three blocks. Why do fat girls laugh so loud? In retrospect, I guess telling her that this was a rape was a pretty silly thing to do. But I was just trying to establish a sense of fear and urgency while simultaneously getting myself psyched up and into rape-mode. I guess it just came off all wrong.
My Rapin' Van
Lets see, where does this put my rape failure to rape victories ratio? Lets take a look:
Rapist Failures: 12
Rapist Victories: 1
Thats right. Only one lousy rape in all of those attempts. And to tell the truth, in retrospect Im pretty sure that one encounter was consensual. She was a drunk girl that I met at the bar and she seemed pretty into it. We actually still e-mail each other. I also told her that Id help her move next weekend.
Oh, who am I kidding? That wasnt a rape!
I have this rapist buddy, Dan, and hes the type of rapist that I really aspire to be. Dan rapes great. Anyways, he told me that my problem is that Im just not assertive enough. And thats probably true. Ive simply never been the pushy type.
Dan recommends that I hit the gym to get my confidence up. He also thinks that I should concentrate for an hour each day about all of the things that I despise most about womankind. Then, when Im raping, I should reflect back on all of that pain and contempt for females and utilize it while unleashing my predatory sexual fury.
That doesnt really sound like something Id be good at though, so I think Im just going to grow a mustache instead. I figure a rapist image tune-up is just what the doctor ordered, and nothing screams successful rapist like a big old honkin stache.
Yeah. I feel good about this. Im down but Im not out. Watch your backs ladies, this wolf is still on the prowl.
gross but good Posted: 12/16/2005by: katie i have to admit that i found this very funny mike. Polk is the man Posted: 12/14/2005by: Deez Nutz Your articles are awesome. Keep it up. This Blew Posted: 12/14/2005by: LEROY so bad that you deserve a visit to San Quentin now that Tookies room mate is free for a date...GIVE IT UP BIYATCH!!!!" yes mam Posted: 12/14/2005by: sicko mmmm...my own dick Brenda Posted: 12/14/2005by: matt couldn't agree more. Christine Posted: 12/14/2005by: Brenda Della Casa Your awesome. I am so sorry that happened to you. Rapists deserve to have their dicks cut off and fed to them.
What about the schmuck Posted: 12/14/2005by: JP whose picture is in this article? Someone will probably forward this to his mother. At which point her long held suspicions will be confirmed...
The guy looks like a real drink. He could rape shit, I bet. Frat Posted: 12/14/2005by: Jim I bet a lot of people think Mike is writing this from the perspective of a Frat guy. But that's probably not true because this guy is an admitted rapist where as Frat guys rape girls and think they are dating them for one night only. I love you Polk! Posted: 12/14/2005by: HMK That was so frickin funny. I actually lost my Sobe on the mustache part. For me this was by far one of the funniest I have read. Stache Posted: 12/14/2005by: googlie This really made me think...can I really grow a good raper stache? Mine is too patchy. Dammit!
