I dont know exactly when it happened, but I think Im getting old. Or at least I feel like it. Im only 37, but lately Ive been noticing things that make me feel like Im not too far from puttering around in one of those motorized scooters. For example:
When I was growing up, my hero was Captain Kirk. Thats right. Captain of the USS Motherfucking Enterprise. You didnt have to be a sci-fi geek to appreciate what a bad-ass Captain Kirk was. He was the man. He pulled more ass than Hugh Hefner, and he wasnt even on Earth. No matter what planet he landed on, he was always a lock to hook up even with green chicks. And he could kick anyones ass. He was a fucking ninja. Now I turn on the TV and I see him playing some kooky lawyer? What the fuck? And my God, how much plastic surgery has he had? He cant even blink now. I mean, I was OK with TJ Hooker. He was still kind of a bad-ass and Id like to believe he was banging Heather Locklear. But this? I cant help but feel old seeing my childhood role model reduced to this level.
And going out with the guys can be downright depressing. My God, girls look so young! I feel like a pedophile. I cant imagine how old I must look to them. Contemplating eating a girls ass who is technically young enough to be your daughter has to be wrong on some level. And the day one of those hot little girlies calls me sir I may have to become a shut-in.
For the last time, I'm sure I don't know your dad.
Im also no longer the young stallion I once was. Oh yes. Back in the day I had a 28-inch waist and could bench 250. Now the most exercise I get is dragging my 36-inch ass to the back porch to light up a Camel. I dont think Im ready for Centrum Silver just yet, but as far as sex, I used to be able to go all night, on occasion with two chicks at the same time (as far as you know it happened). But now, unless my wife wants to get on top, Im watching "The Daily Show" and hitting the hay.
This will be so sick once I get some spinners.
Im also starting to say things that only my parents would say. The other day I actually told my daughter that there were starving children that would give anything to have the meal that she refused to eat. My daughters reply: If theyre so hungry they can have this. Damn kids today. We never wouldve talked back to our parents that way, or we wouldve gotten the belt. But not today oh no leave one bruise or laceration on your kid and its child abuse.
I was in the mall last week, and not seeing a GAP nearby, I thought I would venture into one of the hip stores to see what was passing for cool these days. The place was more like a rave bar than a clothing store; pumping house music and near zero lighting. And around every corner was another scrawny guy wearing the same outfit as his predecessor, making sure that I was unable to leave. While this collective lot of what I can best describe as the Stepford Tools made sure that I was exposed to all of the tight new fashions, they did nothing to help my self-esteem.
When did this happen? I cant really be that old. Im still cool, right?Im down with what the kids are into these days. My threads are still fly. My ride is still dope. The tunes I listen to are still fresh. Right? Maybe I should buy a book on pop culture to make sure. Fuck, what am I saying? The fact that such a consideration would even cross my mind may mean I am already too far gone. Maybe I just need to resign myself to the fact that I will only get older and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Well, Im going to raise on up out of this bitch (did I say that right?) and go shopping for some plaid shorts, black socks and a white belt and embrace my destiny. Peace out, yo.G.Unit? Dammit.
closing in on 37 Posted: 12/22/2005by: nancy reagan i'm 36 and stave off the inevitable by crawling into bed with my 27 year old french boyfriend. so lame, i know, but you kids have no idea... the photo and caption (especially) of the granny go-cart is cracking me up. OH MY GOD Posted: 12/20/2005by: Citizen Kan As a dude in his mid 20's, I don't know if these comments are the most depressing things I've ever read or the most entertaining. Thanks Posted: 12/16/2005by: D. Wood Brenda. I appreciate feedback from a veteran writer such as yourself :) Great! Posted: 12/16/2005by: Brenda Della Casa Old is a state of mind...well and when your 'hair down there' changes color... in a row!? Posted: 12/16/2005by: doc also thought it was going to be about that.
i don't care what that article was about, the pic of that broad is enough "material" to last me through next week. 37 Posted: 12/15/2005by: Joe Kickass Yeah, caught the reference, from the title thought it was going to be about that. Now don't suck any dick on the way to the parking lot! You, get back here! Did anyone... Posted: 12/15/2005by: D. Wood get the "Clerks" reference? Well Posted: 12/15/2005by: JCO you do work in Cleveland, whole family is form there and when Ilook back at this girl I used to hook-up with over summers there I think, "my God I was so easily pleased then." I'm in SoCal so plent of eye candy just not available. Christine Posted: 12/15/2005by: JCO If you ever come to cold, snowy Cleveland, let me know. I can try to get you a job. We could use a female employee who is not over 50 or over 300lbs. I must work in the worst office for eye candy, there is absolutely nothing here! I would rather look at one of Eugene's recent dates! Church people Posted: 12/15/2005by: JCO are not all bad, I used to go all the time, not b/c i wanted to, but my parents would get pissed. Now I only go on Christmas and Easter b/c I have to go with them. that being said, there are a lot of people who go who are not crazy, holy types and won't try to convert you to their lord. Just tell them you only have room for one god and happens to be Mary Jane! Also, lots of my single guy friends say they go to check out the girls b/c they are sick of the drunk sluts they meet in bars and want a decent girl.
