April 15th is approaching quickly, and if youre like me, you wont be getting a tax refund. Even though thats technically a good thing, since it means that you didnt pay Uncle Sam too much up front in the form of an interest-free loan, it still just chaps my bag when I have to write those fuckers a check. And if you have ever dealt with any government employee, Im sure you share my bitter resentment towards the fact that our taxes pay to support the laziest, most incompetent individuals in our nation (aside from the freeloading welfare recipients that they support, with our money). So, as an accountant, I thought I would try to do a little something to help the Phat Phree readers to minimize their taxes this year, by imparting a few lesser-known tips on tax return preparation. The following practices will withstand any IRS audit, and I can say that confidently, because I wont be signing your return:
First of all, you can receive a standard deduction for every dependent you claim on your return. Even if you have no children, think about all of the potential dependents you wiped off of your stomach with a gym sock this year. Every load contained thousands upon thousands of premature dependents. As an American, it is your God-given right to be able to claim at least one or two of those as dependents. Its not your fault you couldnt find a female willing to be the recipient of your seed God knows youve tried, which leads us to our next tip.
You can legally deduct, to an extent, your gambling losses. In addition to the Lotto tickets and poker-night losses, do not forget the biggest gamble of all, which is pussy. All those nights out at clubs buying women drinks werent because youre a nice guy. Those were attempts to get them drunk enough to go home with you and have sex (and then leave). Of course, as we all know, that is a big roll of the dice which can be very expensive and rarely pays off. Also, do not forget the cheap cologne, striped shirts, gas money, cover charges, rohypnol and unused Magnum condoms. Those add up quick.
Remember, however, that you can only deduct gambling losses to the extent of your winnings. But if you hit the jackpot at least once during the past fiscal year, that is worth more than enough to legitimize your expenses. Right now you're probably thinking, D, dont I have to declare that one score as income on my return? The answer is a resounding No. How can you put a price on beaver? Also, technically beaver-hunting is illegal in 47 of the 48 contiguous states, and you shouldnt report income from illegal activities. You dont want to get audited, do you?
There is a caveat to the aforementioned tip. If the physical appearance of the girl you ended up spending the night with last year causes the act to fall into the category of hogging, Im afraid that does not count as income, thus making all of your related gambling expense non-deductible. There is good news, however. This same act, particularly if conducted as part of your responsibilities as a wing-man, qualifies as a bona-fide charitable contribution. How much can you deduct for this? Only you can determine how much that endless night of torment cost you. But remember, keep it reasonable. We dont want to attract attention.
For those of you with significant others who cannot benefit from some of the aforementioned perfectly legal deductions, you also have an angle available to you to take advantage of the dependent rules. If you have had a girlfriend for at least a year, she has more than likely become one of those clingy girls who feels she needs to spend every waking moment with you in an effort to convince you that you should be married. The upside to this is that there are dependent provisions for members of households. You can deduct your freeloading pilot-fish girlfriend (or boyfriend, as the case may be) as long as the following three tests are met:
1.) You must provide at least 50% of his/her support (e.g. food, place to live, medical expenses, including tampons, birth control and abortion expenses).
2.) The person must have lived with you for an entire year (if it feels like it has been a year, that qualifies) and,
Your tax dollars hard at work.
3.) That persons annual income does not exceed $13,750. Typically not an issue.
Another area often overlooked is that of medical expenses, which are 100% deductible in excess of 7.5% of your adjusted gross income. What people fail to realize is that medical expense is a very vague and all-encompassing term. Some common expenses that are erroneously omitted are: alcohol to treat your disease of alcoholism, cigarettes to treat your addiction to nicotine, Chaser, Alka Seltzer, antibiotics to treat STDs, antidepressants, and even street drugs such as weed, meth, x, etc. (also, actual drug dealers can deduct their cell phone bills as business expenses and can also depreciate the brougham over a period of five years).
Bad debts are also deductible. That $50 you loaned to your deadbeat friend fully deductible.
Worthless securities are also deductible from your adjusted gross income. The pyramid scheme your buddy Chad talked you into joining when you were under the influence 100% deductible.
College students almost every expense you have qualifies for deduction as research and development. This includes experimenting with drugs and homosexual activities.
Another opportunity missed by many is the deduction of your computer-related expenses. Sold all of your ex-girlfriend's shit on eBay when you caught her cheating on you? Luring young girls to your house as part of your primary activities as a stalker / registered sex-offender? You guessed it. Your monthly Internet service payments can be deducted as business expenses. You can also depreciate your PC over a period not to exceed five years.
Fully deductible medical expenses.
I almost forgot. That aforementioned freeloading significant other - he/she undoubtedly pays you no rent, but is still a tenant for all practical purposes. Accordingly, you can depreciate your house as residential rental property over 31.5 years.
If you are feeling especially daring, you can go the full nine and declare tax-exempt status. Spent more than you made last year? You qualify as a not-for-profit organization. Belong to a cult? Youre a church. Good for you! What the fuck - whats the worst that can happen?
Well, thats all I can think of right now. But Im sure Im missing some things taxes are tricky, you know. Please feel free to add anything I left out in the comments section.
Actually Posted: 3/13/2006by: D. Wood She's your sister Bill. Not in the USA Posted: 3/11/2006by: bill Most of the last few items on your list are technically incorrect. You fail to mention that deductions must exceed $5,000 if filing single or $10,000 if filing jointly. Also, I'm sure you believed this, but your girlfriend cannot be claimed as a deduction. Ever. Well, I take that back...she can be deducted if she's your sister and under 19. Which probably applies here. Funny Stuff Posted: 3/6/2006by: Wayne Sweet, I never thought to write off my rohypnol purchases. But youre right, its totally a cost of doing the business. Keep up the good work! very nice. Posted: 3/6/2006by: Jen Question... say someone collected unemployment for almost the entire year and according to that w2 and the previous w2 your total income is $4,500. However, this someone has been getting paid under the table for alomost a year. What to do?
great Posted: 3/6/2006by: d dub This was the best article that I have read on this site in a long time. That's not to say the others were sub par, but this one was that good.
