I cant believe this job market. Theres just nothing out there for Stormtroopers these days.
I had the perfect job flexible hours, great benefits, a laser gun, all the overtime I could work but the bottom sure fell out of that deal. One day Im standing guard at an Endor outpost, and the next thing you know - BOOM! - were out of business. Just like that. Goddamn pro-union Jedi.
We lost a lot of good men that day. Barry in maintenance, he would have our chest plates shining like fine china. He was stationed on the Death Star. A lot of my buddies were. Sometimes I feel like Im not much better off. Look at the classifieds. They dont even have a section for security guards, much less Stormtroopers.
My wife wants me to sign up for the police academy. Its just not me. Who still uses bullets? Im the product of the best training the Empire had to offer. I can pilot a TIE fighter, for fuck sake. Theres no way Im going to cruise around in a Cutlass all day, writing speeding tickets and shaking down high school kids for smoking pot. Im an Imperial Stormtrooper!
Man, when I first got that job, I was on top of the world. I was working for the Empire. Talk about job security. There was no turnover to speak of. I thought Id be able to retire with a nice cushy stormtrooper pension and move down to sandy Mos Eisley. Theyve really cleaned it up in recent years. Its more of a resort community now. You wont find a bottom-feeding bounty hunter within 5 parsecs.
Yeah, when I first put on this helmet, I thought I had it made. Just follow orders and collect a fat paycheck. True, quite a few Stormtroopers found themselves on the business end of a lightsaber, but those guys were glory hogs. If you hung back and just squeezed off a few blaster rounds, it wasnt any more dangerous than being a bus boy. Now Id kill to be a bus boy. My family cant live on womprat forever.
Casual Friday
Ive had a few interviews, but they all go the same way. Im starting to think I should just leave 'stormtrooper' off my resume altogether. Once some HR manager finds out you let some whiny little fairy wizard knock you out and steal your uniform, youre done for. I guess I could leave that part out, but I have to explain my demotion somehow. Youd think theyd have a little sympathy for someone who just lost 350,000 of his co-workers in a massive, deep space fire ball.
I guess I have myself to blame. I never was the best Stormtrooper to begin with. I knew those were the droids we were looking for. I just got confused for a minute. But, deep down, I knew.
Despite that little slip up, I was on a role with the company toward the end. I was one promotion away from Imperial Guard. That would have been a salary bump. Those guys did have to wipe the Palpatines ass, though. You'd think the Force would have power over incontinence, but you'd be wrong. Still, its probably for the best I never made it.
Theres nothing I can do except pound the pavement. I think Id like to find something in the business world. It seems nice and structured. Lord Vader knows Im used to that. I could really see myself throwing on a suit and hopping on the train every morning. Maybe I could even teach those guys a thing or two about leadership. I mean, obviously, the Empire wasnt perfect, but they had a lot of good ideas. Nothing straightens out suppliers like the fear of total annihilation. If I could just find a company that would take a chance on an unemployed Stormtrooper. Im willing to pay my dues.
I may have to look into updating my wardrobe for the office. No one wears a codpiece to work anymore.
All I know is if I don't get a break soon, I'm going to be in serious trouble. I talked to someone down at the unemployment office this morning and she said I need to come up with all this paperwork. Do you know how hard it is to get documents from the Empire nowadays? You'd have to be smoother than Lando.
you think you got problems? Posted: 1/14/2006by: d
Article Posted: 1/14/2006by: Rooney You are such a terrible writer. I think Posted: 1/13/2006by: HMK Steve is on vacation. He may also actually be doing some work, Nah he must be on vacation. I do miss him though, he hated me in such a creative, sick and repulsive way that no one I have ever not met has. RIP Stevie, we'll all miss your intellect and pubic hair head. eh Posted: 1/13/2006by: dude the only thing funny about this was the caption on the second picture JQP Posted: 1/13/2006by: Christine I just busted out laughing like lewis from revenge of the nerds. Thanks. I will leave on that note. Have a great weekend everyone. STEVE IS ON SABBATICAL Posted: 1/13/2006by: JQP While he gets his ears cut and pinned back and has some plugs inserted.
www.myspace.com/stevemasterson. TPP Staff Posted: 1/13/2006by: matt Could you write an artcile or maybe better yet just put in the cornoer next week R.I.P STEVE? Agreed Posted: 1/13/2006by: Christine It can't be Steve. He would have wrecked me two hours ago for my comment to him.
I guess the real Steve is really gone. How disheartening. This really brings down my Friday. Luckily, I have a smoke and a drink in 15 minutes. Definitly not Steve Posted: 1/13/2006by: Atlas His rude comments are normally clever and written with style. or Posted: 1/13/2006by: matt he usually puts scubasteve on there, I think. I guess we'll have to settle for Delphi or Eugene.
