First off, let me say this, I am totally bummed about my father being murdered. That sucks. Hard. My dad was a good dude and he'll be missed. I also want to make it clear that I have every intention of punishing the crime syndicate responsible for his untimely death by personally inflicting fiery justice on each of his assassins. They will feel my wrath and vengeance will be mine. However, with that being said, this week is really super bad for me, so it's going to have to wait a little while. But it's definitely on my to-do list.
Stuff's crazy at work right now. Justin's on vacation, so we're already down one manager. And this new guy they just hired still has no clue what he's doing, so it's pretty much just me and Gretchen running the whole Kinkos. Not a good week to be coming in all groggy after pursuing merciless revenge on your father's killers till all hours the night before.
In retrospect, it wasn't such a hot idea to announce at the funeral that "the streets would run red with the blood of those responsible for this abomination." Who talks like that? I guess I kind of got carried away in the spirit of the occasion. It just seemed like the right thing to say. I've always had a flair for the dramatic and I was hamming it up a bit for the crowd. There were also a few cute girls from my dad's work there and I was probably turning it on a little strong to score points with them. Big mistake. Now everyone who attended most likely expects me to follow through on my lofty vow. Balls.
So I guess I'll have to learn some fucking martial arts now. Which will probably take, like, forever. It's not like in the movies where I could just train during a two-minute musical montage featuring some shitty Survivor song and then all of a sudden I'm sweet. I'm actually going to have to enroll in some classes and practice. It'll also probably set me back a few bucks. Like I need that right now. Although I think I saw a coupon in the Sunday magazine from the paper.
I remember I took a couple of karate classes when I was a kid, but I quit after two lessons because this fat kid in the group kept beating my ass. I still say that those classes should be divided by weight and not age, because fat kids are just way stronger than normal kids. That's just science.
You know what? Not to play the gender card here, but I suppose it would be completely inconceivable for one of my sisters to avenge dad's death. That's totally off the table. See, that's the thing about women. They all want equal pay and equal treatment until it's time to seek vengeance on your parent's murderers. Then they're all, "I'm just a girl". Such horseshit.
Great. More Ninjas.
Man, just thinking about all of those henchmen that I'm going to have to fight my way through to get to the kingpin responsible for ordering my dad's hit makes my back hurt. In all honesty, I'm not in very good shape. I don't think I've exercised since seventh grade kickball. Maybe I should take a step class.
And I suppose I need to find some kind of a mentor. A wizened master who will teach me humility and help me overcome my tortured psychological past through physical discipline and meditation. He'll instruct me on how to focus my rage and channel my fury to help me achieve my vicious reprisal. But where the hell do I find a mentor? Craig's List? Man.
You know, the funny thing is my dad and I weren't really even that close. I mean, we talked once every couple of weeks on the phone and I saw him on holidays and stuff. But it's not like we were super-tight or anything. He'd only been to my apartment like, twice. And I've been living here for three years. That makes this whole thing all the more frustrating.
I wonder how much it would cost to have someone else avenge my dad's death. No, don't even think about it, Mike. He was your dad, this is your responsibility. Damn it.
Need One Of These Guys
Well, it's decided then. Next week I really buckle down and start training so I can bring dad's assailants to justice and give my father the peace in the afterlife that he so richly deserves.
Wait, you know what? I just remembered that my buddy Tyler from college is going to be in town from Arizona next week and I said I'd hang out. Plus we've got that banner-printing seminar at work on Tuesday night. So next week's out. But I am going to do this.
Do you hear me, father?! Mark these words, for this is my sacred betrothal to thee! The sweet sting of retribution will be felt by all those who wronged you, as soon as my schedule opens up a little!!
Betrothal? Posted: 5/5/2006by: Jackal Awesome Mike. But betrothal comes from betroth. That means a promise to marry someone. Please don't marry your dead father. new rating system Posted: 4/4/2006by: Owen Sh ouldn it just be 1-polk now ? why even pretend anymore ? He owns the 5 rating at this point. just great Posted: 4/4/2006by: PB Great article... just brilliant. ???? Posted: 4/4/2006by: ????? This was great. How the hell is it less than a 4.? Looks like by the comments everyone loved it. Is someone monkeying with the system? MIKE! Posted: 4/3/2006by: Mongo Forget about your pops. Don't even sweat it. He was a no-good punk bitch anyway. Mike Polk wears a striped shirt Posted: 4/3/2006by: dan Mike Polk runs The Phat Phree and don't let anyone fool you, this is his website. Wow Posted: 4/3/2006by: AB Great read. And suprisingly the SS article was only mentioned for comparison 3 times thus far..... I love ninjas. They really get me pumped! If you love Ninjas as much as me, go to: www.realultimatepower.net
revenge is great Posted: 4/3/2006by: chachi i really think you should consider postponing some of your commitments and take revenge upon your father's killers. nice job. Mike polk is Funny Posted: 4/3/2006by: Tom A The title had me laughing and the article didn't dissapoint.
Category 1 [and I wouldn't even think to attempt a Category 3, sir] Mike polk Posted: 4/3/2006by: Dave C. his best article since...the last one. they are all pretty damn good.
