Holy shit, theres free porn in New York City. Thats right, free porn in New York. And it gets better - theres free porn in Boston and Chicago and Atlanta. Shit, theres even free porn in Des Moines.
Wanna see it? I'll bet you do. Follow my lead and Ill take you to free porn! Now, before we go further I need to tell you this is not your Girl-On-Girl or Ass Train kind of porn. It aint "Bareback Mountin" or "The Sisterhood of the Unraveling Pants." Its good old-fashioned porn. Are you ready? Okay, lets go.
First take out your phone book. Somewhere after A for Adult and before V for Video, youll find M for Museum. You heard me right, dont unzip yet. Look for art museums, especially one that, you know, has really old stuff. No one under fifty gets off on Andy Warhol any more. Got the address and hours? Good, were outta here.
Are you excited about our trip to the museum? This is what they call a teaser. Ill bet Tom the She-Vixen doesnt give you a teaser when you call. Hey, were almost there.
Portrait of Pimp Von Pimperton
Walk through the double doors and smell the air. Smells sexy, doesnt it. Go and get yourself a museum map. Huh, they want you to pay? See the sign that says suggested? Why dont you suggest they go fuck themselves, youve got some important shit to see.
Lets start with the portrait section. You see lots of dudes with air filter collars, right? Keep looking. Wait a minute, wait a minute, theres one. Down the hall. Walk slowly, dont get too excited...yet. One more painting. There it is! Look at those tits! Those shiny alabaster tits with cherry red nipples. Wow, score. Who knew art could be so fun? Shes looking at you, isnt she? She wants you. Do you want her? Too bad shes been dead for over two hundred years. Sorry, are you going limp? Why dont we keep looking.
Walk a little further and it starts to get better. There are two fine ladies in this one. Theyre a little chubby, but they sure are nekked. What do you think theyre doing floating around in the sky? I bet theyre waiting for you to give them a meat sandwich. Shit, here comes the guard. Better keep walking.
I told you theres something for everyone here at the museum, even the humblest pedophile. This ones hot. Theres a lady and shes looking fine with her boob all hanging out. And theres a little baby sucking on her tit. Just sucking and sucking and sucking. And who is that dude standing in the background building a shelf or something? Man, that kid is digging it. Are you digging it too, you sicko? Just look around you- there are like ten paintings of this broad with a little kid. Jesus, they're everywhere. What? No! Madonna wasnt even born when this painting was made. It doesnt even look like her.
We dont just have to look at paintings, you know. There are other erotic images here at the museum. Theres, like, sculptures and shit. Heres one, and shes totally naked. Dont you just want to bust a tooth chomping on her bronze breast? Here that ping when you mount her? Shes totally singing for you. Dont let the guard see you mount her firm body. He may say Please dont touch the art, but what he really means is hands off, that bitch is mine.
So what do you think of the free porn in the museum? Not bad, right? Subtle, yet sensuous. Still not satisfied? Tell you what you do. Get a degree in art history and realize your thesis has the same validity as a dude who thinks naked portraits are porn. Then youll really feel fucked.
Hey Poopy Pants! Posted: 4/18/2006by: Whitey I don't know if you've heard, but people from Manhattan, and NYC in general, DONT COUNT FOR SHIT. You are a figment. A delusional sect of humans that have no basis for conversation (unless with other aliens). New Yorkers are the guys at the party who doesn't know the people in the corner are laughing at them. LAME Posted: 4/18/2006by: poopy pants! In Manhattan you can get free porn no problem. Turn on Channel 35 anytime after 8pm and there ya go. Free public access porn!! ? Posted: 4/18/2006by: Ryan I thought this article was going to be about Craig's List. Sorry Tom A Posted: 4/18/2006by: Doosh If its not Baroque, don't fix it. clever wrap up Posted: 4/18/2006by: deuce but are you funny for joking your own art history degree or a douche-hammer because you and your equally useless photography degree have penis envy?
i liked the article though.. nice work. Tom A Posted: 4/18/2006by: Christine That was the greatest cheese joke ever created. I am stealing that as we speak. Thank you. Rubenesque Posted: 4/18/2006by: Tom A They liked 'em with muffin tops, back in the day.
P.S. Christine - if it's Baroque, don't blame me. I didn't Ba-rake it. Thanks, ladies and gentlemen! Drive safely! I liked it Posted: 4/18/2006by: Christine It was very well written and I too enjoyed the end. Although, I gotta tell you, some of those paintings do get me a lttle hot. Especially the Baroque period, mmmm. hot hot hot. Bad, Very Bad Posted: 4/18/2006by: The GZA Zero MFDS. Victor Frenck Posted: 4/18/2006by: JPM Did he really just make a joke about his A's hat. NO WAY! And the joke involved poop humor.
