As a completely unbiased baseball fan from New York, I can tell you with the utmost ease of conscience that the Boston Red Sox are in fact the biggest bunch of cock-stroking pussies this side of the Atlantic. Gladly calling themselves “the idiots” (which the rest of baseball had been doing for some time), the boys from Beantown are an embarrassment to the great game.
Now, you may think that as a Yankees fan I am just bitter about the horrifying debacle that was last year’s American League Championship Series, but no. It was in the cold, hard winter months of ring-less solitude that I came to realize that the “Saawwx” are quite frankly everything that is wrong with baseball, nay, the world, and here’s why:
Manny Ramirez: Might as well start at the top, eh? Manny’s complete disregard for the fundamental elements of baseball, such as running, makes him a prime candidate to lead off. As if it were a game of backyard Wiffleball, Ramirez will decide right after contact whether or not that particular hit warrants him stating the engines on his freight train of a body. Fuck the minors, send Manny back to tee-ball so hit can learn- you hit the ball, you fucking run.
Johnny Damon: I believe I once saw grainy footage of this man walking across the Canadian wilderness on the Sci-Fi channel, but I can’t be positive. Damon has the incredible ability to make every single play in the field look like it belongs on the Top 10 with his awkward gait and girlish leaps at balls that he is actually under, a miraculous feat for him. Like a retarded chimpanzee he stumbles across the field, nearly tripping over the hair that flows down to his own ass crack, only to send Boston announcers into a praise frenzy when he falls into the ball. Possibly Damon’s most aggravating attribute is the fact that, although appearing to have not the slightest inclination as to what a baseball bat is for, he leads the American League in batting average. The man holds the hickory like it’s a suppository, I’m sorry.
This where rain come from!
David Ortiz: David Ortiz is a gorilla. But let me tell you, ol’ Koko hits the shit out of the ball. That isn’t a bunt sign the third base coach is sending down to Ortiz, it’s fucking sign language, since it’s the only way Mr. Silverback can understand the English language. “Big Papi” doesn’t wear batting gloves for when he’s in the box, but rather for after contact when he’s dragging his knuckles around the bases.
Curt Schilling: One of the most ignorant and arrogant motherfuckers in the history of the game, Schillings “Natural-esque” bloody sock routine was nothing more than excessive drippage from his bloody vag that got past the pad. After an extensive rehab “The Schill” has decided, on his own, that he’ll be coming out of the bullpen instead of reviving Boston’s desperate rotation.
Pedro Martinez: Yeah I know he isn’t on the team anymore, he’s in my town now, and don’t think that doesn’t make me feel a little dead inside. Proud member of TPP’s MLB All Asshole Team, Pedro exemplifies the cock-sucking, self-serving asshole attitude that is the essence of many of Boston’s finest players.
Queer eye for the... queer, uh, guy.
Bronson Arroyo: White? Corn Rows? You’re a douchebag.
“Cowboy Up”: I’ve tried and I’ve failed…can’t figure out what the fuck this means.
Now, I could “cowboy up” and go on, but I haven’t had my pre-article shots of Jack Daniels so I really don’t feel the courage I need to continue this article. Also, a small part of me knows that I could one day choke on this article…one day 86 years from now.
Racist Posted: 9/19/2005by: Bob Burns Nice job you racist motherfucker. Maybe if you sucked off GayRod you would feel a little better. wow Posted: 9/4/2005by: gary i think this article is the biggest bunch of bullshit from some jerkoff Yankee fan. i went to game seven in new york, being from boston, and i was shocked at how the Yankee fans are such a bunch of outta shape pussies. the way acted, a Yankee fan wouldnt have gotten out of boston alive. instead the worst thing i got was a mustard packet squirted on my jacket. the Yankees, the fans, and your ignorant ass can continue to suck steinbrenners wrinkled cock while derek jeter and a-rod rub hair gel on their each others balls. your a joke. Whatever Posted: 8/12/2005by: Suck my ass Between the two NY teams and Boston there is a growing monopoly between the three. It makes fans not even go to the game when tickets are outrageous, food and beer are well overpriced and to watch over paid ball players not produce makes me sick. You all suck and you watch your teams play that the best money in the land can buy and then two NY teams can't even produce on the field. Call up more of your prospects from the minors because your all stars can't perform worth a shit. Cry me a river, Yeah Yeah Yeah the Yankees have over 20 plus championships, get out of the past where all but a few have been won. Yankees fans have no right to talk shit, you guys could not win a game 4, game 5, game 6 or a game 7 last year so suck on that. Red Sox fans the same, win more that one in 86 years, if you win this year o.k. then you can talk. Congrats on the Championship last year but it was last year. I am tired of writting and tired of the bullshit. This is great rivalry don't wash it out by some lame ass article and committs. Let's be honest, Boston fans hate the Yankees and the Yankee fans hate the Red Sox. That won't change. Fuck BC Spankees Posted: 8/11/2005by: your mom I thought i raised you better. The Yankees are what is wrong with baseball. I hope you were the guy the jumped from the upper deck the other night. Stupid F-ing Yankee fans are upset that they wont make the playoffs this year. Why dont you focus on what is wrong with your own team before you go bashing others. By the way, Sheffield is banging your wife right now. Degenerates Posted: 8/10/2005by: mtk Good article. I must say that any true Yankee fan who reads this article should agree with the author. Even if you disagree with the content the fact of the matter is that a Red Sox fan will be so quick to shit on the Yankees it's ridiculous. You could talk about snipining out one of those asshole Sox players and I would agree with you, I may not like the idea but the Sox can eat my ass, World Serious Champions or not. For all of you Yankee fans reading this and bashing it, please turn your jerseys into the clubhouse at Yankee Stadium and remove the YES network from your cable listings...assholes Whiffed on a softball Posted: 8/3/2005by: b The Red Sox and especially their fans are EXTREMELY annoying, but this article completely failed to give me the satisfying crunch I was looking for as a long time hater. Pretty lame Posted: 7/28/2005by: Bill You know, even as a Yankee fan, I have to say that this article was pretty lame. Given the wealth of material the Red Sox provide to an author, you decided to take the very lowest of roads and engage in cheap vulgarity. The Red Sox will always suck and Fenway park shopuld be imploded in favor of a parking lot, but to engage in gross-out adolescent name-calling is pretty low. And you wonder why so many people hate Yankees fans. Hmmm Posted: 7/27/2005by: Nate Your a bitter asshole, because the Yankees had the biggest meltdown in SPORTS HISTORY. An now your even more pissed that the Yankees have a 70million dollar pay roll and it is fucking horrible. 190 mill and 2 games out of first your team blows By the way Boston fans know every single player on the team adn prolly no more about the Yankees then you you miserable fuck. Way to call a large black man a gorilla you fucking racist piece of garbage Great article Posted: 7/27/2005by: John Rocker I loved this article. I especially liked the use of the words "Gorilla" and "Silverback" to describe a large black man.
You, my friend, have extra large juevos. go home hugo Posted: 7/27/2005by: Bawls you're the reason boston sucks, all the yankees fans come here to go to school because nothing in NYC is worth shit.
