With summer now in full swing, everyones attention is turned to the joys of the hottest three months of the year. Ahhhh the promise of perpetual swamp ass and endless skin-to-leather stickery should have you as giddy as a sailor on leave in San Fran.
However, the cold, hard fact remains that at some point in the next three months you will, inevitably, be invited to a pool party, pool bash, or in the queerest of cases, pool-b-que (featured on Foxs upcoming special When Puns Attack XVI).
This, of course, means that you will have to hit the gym, and hard. Although assuredly the cold winter months of sucking on the teet of a Redi-Whip can and surfing The Phat Phree have kept you sculpted like the fine Romanesque statue that you are, it may be necessary to stop at the local health club for a tune up. But beware! Walking into the health club can be a dangerous venture, especially if you dont know who, or whom, you will encounter there. Health clubbers are a special breed, so I consider it my civic duty to inform you now about the 6 People you will most likely encounter at the club:
#1- The one man fitness museum- A fixture at any club, the one man fitness museum can be between the ages of 56-dead, but remains young at heart (albeit a heart that may have several bovine valves). This man (always a man) will typically sport 1980s striped workout pants and a spaghetti-strap shirt that reads something like Golds Gym Brooklyn: Grand Opening 1952, and thats not a fucking replica, he was there. Hell, he probably laid the mortar. This guy remembers back in the good old days, when men were menand boys were men too, Godamnit!! Constantly patrolling the weight floor, The Musuem is ready to help any young lady with a machine in a manner so grope-tastic it makes Micheal Jackson look like Bob Saget.
All natural...that's right, the shorts are all natural.
#2- The Roider- Cant miss this guy. Literally. With arms as big as a healthy four-year-old, the Roider lets out a primal scream roughly equal to that of a mastodon giving birth every time he pushes it past the max on the squat machine. Hooked on a steady diet of Creatine and Enzyte, this compensation goliath will never hit on the ladies. Fuck that, hes there to get hugeHUUUUUGGGEEE!!!
#3- The Former Soccer Mom- With the birds all out of the nest this menopausal matron doesnt have the daily chores of running after her kids to keep cellulite at bay any more. In an effort to keep her figure, and subsequently her husband from nailing his coed temp secretary, the FSM will typically spend a medically inadvisable amount of time on the stairmaster, jiggling all the way home. Usually clad in what some may deem an inappropriately tight spandex number, the FSM wont let Madison Avenue, or her own bulging back rolls, tell her what a medium is. You go girl!
#4- The Professional- Easily spotted due to his proclivity to say things like that wasnt on my action item list, but I can move it up ASAP at unnecessary volumes on his cell, the Pro is a mainstay. He couldnt fit in any gym time at lunch because he and his power tie were busy locking the merger, so he typically hits the gym with the afterwork crowd. Displaying amazing coordination, the Pro is able to wield his Palms stylus while running at a 3.5 incline and talking on his Jabra, because while the office may close at 5, this guy is always closing, bitch. While often slowed by his oversized gym bag ( You think he can trust this paperwork to the gym lockers? Pfhhthats why youll never make partner.) the pro remains a slippery snake best left to his blackberry.
#5- The Slut- Every gym has one. This is the girl who, although seemingly omnipresent at the gym, never seems to be doing any physical exercise of any kind (Note: Performing fellatio on the personal trainers is not a physically demanding task). Wearing a $90 sport bra number that a stiff breeze could knock out of place, the Slut typically wanders aimlessly, with a chillingly empty, vacuous stare, between the snack bar and the ab machines, while never actually doing anything at either location. All the food at the snack bar has too many calories or carbs, and the ab machines look all hard and stuff. Many theorize that the main reason the Slut frequents the gym is so that, in the event of a vicious cat fight with an overweight friend, she may retort Hey at least I go to the gym, bitch!
#6- The Trainer- Most likely setting off an Amber alert when he moved into town, the Trainer has found the one position where fondling women of all ages is seen as good work ethic. Pacing around leering at his next victim-to-be, the trainer has plenty of prison-esque tattoos to let every guy in the club know that he is not to be fucked with. Thats right, the skull on his shoulder has both flames and snakes, in fact they are flaming snakes, you want a piece, junior?! I didnt fucking think so.
If you dont fit into any of these categories, then youre good to go and enjoy a healthy workout at the local gym. And if you dowell, you dont know where I fucking live.
gross Posted: 7/5/2005by: Tom We can't forget about the too-comfortable-with-his-masculinity man. This is the guy, usually in his twilight years, who gets out of the shower, applies his deodorant and vast amounts of cologne, and proceeds to the sink to shave all without putting on one article of clothing. He usually spends a good 10 minutes completely naked after his shower before putting on a pair of tighty whities. So beware if you go to wash your hands, that puddle of water you slip on could very well have dripped from the woolly grundle of some 67-year-old. Wait, wait, wait... Posted: 6/28/2005by: disgusted You know that 70-something year old guy that walks naked into a crowded locker room, puts one foot on the bench and proceeds to apply copious amounts of baby powder to his musty grundle? All this while participating in conversation with nearby men drawing even more attention to this heinous act. Gross. G-String 48 Yr. Old Posted: 6/21/2005by: Frank You mentioned the slut, but what about the 40-48 yr olds that wear their spandex attire with that little g-string that goes right up the ass? They do good workouts, but man thier ass needs a steam and a hot iron to get out all those wrinkles. Barf Free Brendan love= Free trips to the gym Posted: 6/21/2005by: The Slut Brendan, you know as well as I do that performing fellatio on the personal trainers is tiring. I mean they don't call it a "job" for nothing. C'mon...I know how you got that free gym pass... wang Posted: 6/21/2005by: wang b don't forget about the college gym girls who eat salads with fresh egg and no dressing and then get ice cream on the way out... messes. THE TIM Posted: 6/21/2005by: get off me dont get forget the tim merry who has a nasty beer gut and can get drunk off the the sweat seeping from his pores. im bored Aerobic Screamer Posted: 6/20/2005by: Brandon Dont forget the over- pumped aerobics girl who has a sweat streak up her spandex ass crack when she's done. No Legs Guy Posted: 6/20/2005by: yourmom Don't forget the guy who works on nothing but his upper body. A chisled chest and abs, combined with bulging biceps, serve to distract from the fact that his puny little puss legs can barely lift his own body weight. Way to go No Legs Guy, I'm sure the babes dig you, till they accidentally knock your stupid top-heavy ass over when they bump into you. Old hairy balls Posted: 6/20/2005by: Camps It never fails... you're changin in the locker room, being respectful not to bend over and show off your bung to everyone as you throw on your shorts... and then it happens, you turn your head just in time to catch a glimpse of this god-aweful sight; A naked 65 year old man, with old droopy balls hanging from a solid patch of curly-cues that completely engulfs his old shriveled schlong. This site is almost a daily gym occurance, but if you are really lucky, this guy will walk in while you are in the sauna and display an old-timer spread eagle right in your face as he makes endless small talk. It never fails. Captain Creatine Posted: 6/20/2005by: D. Snyder Sometimes there's a man, yes sometimes there's a man, sometimes there's a man and i'm talking about the dude here, who takes it upon himself to walk up to complete and total strangers in the middle of their set and comment on their technique and the proper way to work every muscle, no not a fucking trainer, but the most pumped up and amped dude in the gym. You know the one that even includes his forearms in his regular workout routines. That's right the same guy that used to get his kicks from kicking fourteen year old male cheerleaders off the bench and the shoulder press but has now moved a step in the right direction by using his gained lifting knowledge and superior physique to do good. CAPTAIN CREATINE. This guy had 4 power bars for breakfast, 4 met-rx shakes for lunch, and a supplement cocktail for dinner. When you add red bull and 4 big slams of the Green Dragon (MD) in a day, no matter how much this guy lifts, whether or not he says to himself "I'm not gay" after every fucking rep, he'll still be a closet homosexual.
