Hello, my fellow trainmates! Did everyone have an exciting, fulfilling day at work today? Super duper! I’m really looking forward to the 50 to 65 minutes of fast-paced bonding and revelry we have ahead of us!
Hello, Ma’m, is this seat taken? Yes, I see that it’s currently occupied by your purse, do you think that little fella would mind moving? Gee golly, thanks a bunch! I take it from the fact that you are now pressed up against the window as if it were regaling you with the secrets of life that you, as I had feared, can smell my rather odiferous testicles! It seems at this current juncture that I am out of Gold Bond powder, with which I gingerly sprinkle my num-nums every morning as to avoid such awkward situations, I apologize! Ah yes, and I’m afraid that when I blew out the drain pan on one of the 37 air conditioning units I serviced today it blew back all over my face. So that additional smell, as you’ve obviously detected, is indeed stagnant water and rusty pipe condensate that has melded with my own gallons of sweat to form what I like to call “stagnasweatastank”.
Hello, Sir! I take it from your gloomy expression, and the three tall boys that you picked up for the ride, that you have something on your mind! Going home late again because you’re worried that if you were ever to come home early, you’d find your wife bent over taking anal from your best friend on grandma’s antique throw rug?! We’ve all been there, friend! That’s right, just relax and fiddle with that blackberry…every time you dot an ‘I’, pretend you’re punching your degenerate son who doesn’t appreciate how hard you work right in his quintuple-pierced face!! Don’t we feel better?!
Why, hello there, Mr. Conductor! Thank you for poking me awake with your ticket punch…several times…right in the collar bone. I’m terribly sorry I didn’t stay awake and wait for you, your Highness; after a long hard day, that is exactly the massage I needed! How’s that? I purchased an “off-peak” ticket instead of a “peak”? Why that’s no problem, I’d be happy to pay the 60% surcharge, and in no way do I hope that you get fornicated by a rabid beaver!
My Triple-Antibiotic Steed
Uh-oh, here comes mister never-makes-the-train-on-time. I have the sneaking suspicion that every morning, when Mr. Conductor gets out of bed, the only thing that propels him to work is the thought of closing the door in this poor bastard's face. Down the platform you run, briefcase and low-fat, half-caf, light n’ sweet mochacino flailing in your hands, screaming “waaaaaaaiiiitttt” with all of the dignity of a depantsed schoolgirl. As everyone slowly rolls away from you, laughing at the farce that is your life, I thank you, mister never-makes-the-train-on-time, for making me feel just a little bit better about my hobo anus of a commute.
Sweet! A seat right near the pre-pubescent teenage girls whos fathers finally let them go to the big city by themselves so he could fornicate mother until the cows come home…and then he’ll shoot them, eat them, and fuck his wife again. “OH…MY…GOD…I CANNOT BELIEVE WE”RE GOING TO SEE THE BACKSTREET BOYS IN CONCERT!!!!!” Neither can I!!! Neither can the whole fucking car!!! Neither can the bloodhounds in Topeka who are baying right now because of your shrill prattle!!! What, Billy finally admitted that he liked Tiffany after gym yesterday?! Um, hello, can you say ‘dear-fucking-diary’?! (Writers note: I was unaware that the Backstreet Boys were still alive, no less were still touring. Didn’t one of them get lost in space or killed by a cosmonaut or something?)
And what train ride would be complete without Mr. “I’m too fucking good for this shit”. Every morning I look forward to you shoulder-blocking your way through the train car, letting out an exacerbated sigh at every filled seat as if to say “How dare you put your peon ass where I could very well be sitting?! Isn’t there a separate car for you fucking people?!” I can tell from the small horse logo on your shirt that you are, in fact, far too pretentious…er,uh…important…to be riding in the same steerage car with myself. Apologies!
Well, this is my stop, all! You can watch me leave, I’ll be the one who looks like he rode a horse home because the incredible heat gave him nasty chaffing! HI-HO, OINTMENT!!!
STUDENT Posted: 7/17/2005by: RYAN wow, you people really have nothing better to do all day than screw around on the internet and make smart-ass comments towards and about people you don't even know? here's a thought: instead of venting your frustration at your miserable, lower middle lower upper middle management vice assistant secretary to senior sales associate corporate hellhole of a job- or even more pathetic bottom feeding, live with your mom, her girlfriend and pregnant sister-in-law existence- why dont you write in yourseves? you shouldnt have much trouble, since you're all so terribly eloquent with your grammatical corrections and liberal usage of the F-bomb; your kernels of wisdom are far too precious to be carelessly lost on an audience of bloggers. Touche RC Posted: 7/8/2005by: Dame Ragnall LMFAO! Point well taken! Correction "Dame" Posted: 7/8/2005by: RC Maybe he meant the man was fornicating with HIS mother! Not the wife...see?
Now it's funny, eh!
Game, set and...march.
HA! Spellcheck didn't get that one! Game, Set and Match! Marvelous Posted: 7/7/2005by: HUGO Everyone who dislikes this article can pipe down..........best one yet Correction Posted: 7/7/2005by: Dame Ragnall Fornication: the act of sexual intercourse when two people are not married to each other. You might want to put a dictionary next to your computer, buddy. I wouldn't be selling your pathetic diatribe to Hustler. King Posted: 7/7/2005by: Adam This shit used to be quite entertaining but has of late become terrible. Too many medicore writers and not enough articles from the talented ones.
What smells of old, soured cum? hey Jonathan Posted: 7/7/2005by: bryan You spelled genius wrong....SHIT now I'm like Tom!
Hey phat phree, how about a spell checker up in here so we few anal retented bastards can enjoy the comedy sans typos?
No? whel den og ckuf you're smelfs Tick..tick..tick Posted: 7/7/2005by: Beetle Cheerio fellow trainmates! Is everyone looking forward to another *BOOOOOOM!* Never mind. Hopefully that bitch Steve was on that train. Stevie, Stevie, Stevie Posted: 7/7/2005by: Johnathan Let me make this very simple:
If you think it sucks (or is gay, or cocksucking, or assclownish), you don't have to keep reading it every day.
You can just pull out a piece of paper and write as many profanities as you can in a row, and then show them to your co-workers. They will shower you with compliments and adoration, in complete awe of your comedic genious. WOW! Posted: 7/7/2005by: STEVE Does anyone know how to tie a nice tight hangman's noose so I end this fucking misery. I can't believe how pathetically bad this shit is gettin. "STAGNASWEATASTANK"????? Dude, are you fucking kidding me?
Phatpharm, I think it's time to lay off some of these assclowns. This is the only website that my cocksucking cubicle webblocker allows me to get to for some reason, but this shit ain't funny anymore. Better luck next time Branden, your a fuckin joke.
