With the recent theft of Johnny Damon, I really had to sit down to ponder which Red Sox I would genuinely have sexual encounters with. I mean, obviously, Johnny was number one. There isnt a repressed housewife on the East Coast that wouldnt do him. Hes the Joe Namath of baseball. I mean, cmon, he has twins. TWINS! How freakin cute is that?
But, now that Mr. Damon has switched over to the dark side, we are able to see who he really is. And I dont mean that in a figurative sense. I mean that in a very literal, Holy Shit! What happened to your face? kinda way. Being forced to shave that sexy, bad-ass scruff and cut his glistening, flowing, magnificent locks has exposed the public to what he really looks like. Its the baseball equivalent to the last call lights at a bar, when you look over and no beer goggles can mask the wildebeest youve been making out with for an hour that these lights have just exposed. This is a face that looks slightly like a tanner Hideki Matsui (who I would definitely not do). Ew!
And so, in response to the recent disillusionment by my former Number One, Ive taken a long hard (pun intended) look at the Boston roster and revised my list. Enjoy!
Manny Ramirez: Dont let the clever ManRam nickname fool you. The only thing hell be ramming is my ass when Im bent over the infield wall. Maybe its the crazy hair. Maybe its the bad boy persona. Maybe its the 45 homeruns he hit in 05. Maybe its all these things wrapped so nicely into a Bronx-born bad-ass that makes me want to be dug out in the dugout. Who cares? Manny can stick it anywhere. Please dont leave Verdict: Do. Bonus points if he lets me call him Manny The Jet Ramirez [NOTE: That was a reference to Benny The Jet Rodriguez in the greatest movie ever, The Sandlot. If you have not seen it, rent it IMMEDIATELY. If you have never heard of it, please stop reading this article.]
David Ortiz: On one hand, hes one of the greatest clutch players ever. On the other, he looks like a gorilla. I thought about doing him just because he shouldve been MVP last year but, logistically, that wouldnt work. He couldnt be on top, because I would die. I couldnt be on top because dammit, Im really not that flexible. So, it would probably have to be from behind and even calling him Manny wouldnt make that fun. Oh well, I guess hell have to settle for a congratulatory hand job, but Id use KY Warming to make it extra nice. Sorry, Papi, but Spanish nicknames just arent my thing. But hes such a good hitter Verdict: Not Do
Jason Varitek: Teks quads are so big that I cant even come up with a funny analogy for them. But he was so adorable in the infamous manhug victory celebration with Foulke in 2004. Look, look. Awwwwww!!!!! I guess he could do wall sits and Id straddle him and lick his shaved head. I imagine it to taste like peanut butter. Verdict: Do
Trot Nixon: Trot Nixon hit the only grand slam Ive ever seen in person. I would do him solely on that. Plus, his name is Trot. Done and done. (Trot is only his middle name, shhhh) Verdict: Do
Theo Epstein: So hes not technically a player. Theo is a no-brainer. Hes easily hotter than any of the actual players, but without the whole good at baseball thing. Hes wicked smaaht, young, and, again, hot. Plus, he plays hard-to-get with the management, and what self-destructive girl doesnt want a guy who plays mind games? Way hotter than Theo Huxtable (sorry Malcolm) Verdict: Do!!!!
Bronson Arroyo: OK, I was seriously thinking about doing BroYo until I saw this picture . The white boy braids of 04 were strangely appealing and I could maybe, MAYBE deal with Covering the Bases, his cleverly-titled CD where he sings covers (haha, get it?) of, among others, the Goo Goo Dolls. But seriously, Pacy, Joey may have liked bleached hair back when she was a God-fearing Midwestern girl, but now that Tom tells her not to, the look just doesnt work. Hes also got juuuuust enough chin pubes to make me think thats all he can grow. Which is fine, but anyone who puts that much grooming into the mutant caterpillars currently residing above his eyes should put a little more primping effort into the lower half of his face. Thats all Im saying. The Queer Eye guys missed one. Verdict: Not Do
[NOTE: The Red Sox have since traded Arroyo. Most likely because of his hair.]
Curt Schilling: Nothing screams "sex" more than a bloody sock. While 2005 may not have been his best season, the way this man sacrificed his body in 04 makes me want to do many unholy things to him. But the problem is that Curt is a very holy man. He has a happy family and a wife that he probably doesnt cheat on. He goes to church and loves W. I could not, in good conscience, do him. My love would taint his legend, resulting in an 06 downward spiral that all the Roger Clemens Jrs. (ie: Josh Beckett) they acquire in the off-season could not save. Plus, it would probably be missionary. There go my pants Verdict: Not Do
David Wells
What do you think?
Ok, so Im a bitch. Verdict: Not Do
Josh Beckett: Hey, the Red Sox got a new pitcher! Hes 25 and single, roarrrr! Hes 65, 220, meoooow! He looks like this:
Oh.
I admit it, I dont follow the Marlins. To be honest, with the exception of the Red Sox (and, in turn, the Yankees), I dont follow the MLB. So, I did not know what Beckett looked like until I saw this picture. I prayed it was just because the roster photographer was a poorly-paid former yearbook photographer who lost his last gig because the little boys made him a little too happy, and now hes resigned to taking pictures of grown men with poor choices in facial hair, so he doesnt give a shit how their headshots turn out because theyll never brighten his day (and pants) like little Bobby Morrisons toothless grin.
But, upon further research, I found out that this is indeed what Josh Beckett looks like. Why someone would do that to their face, I have no idea. Thats not a beard, its a chimney sweep for some poor girls asscrack. Verdict: Not Do
So, thats it. Im sure I missed some good ones, so let me know.
Well Posted: 3/29/2006by: Jenn This is probably the greatest article ever written, although I have to say I'd do Beckett soley on the basis of what he did to the Yankees in the World Series. I smell a Brenda/Yvonna Imitation Posted: 3/22/2006by: Mike S Very similar, Annalissa.. do-able Posted: 3/22/2006by: jb i'd say Lenny Dinardo is pretty do-able... Regarding Christopher Trotman Nixon Posted: 3/22/2006by: casey he is hot.
his MIDDLE name is "trotman" hence, his nickname growing up was "trot" and it has styaed with him his whole life. i believe the name "trotman" was a family name or something.
as for his loving god/jesus/whatever. give me a break, so the man's religious. it's better than being a scumbag.
he's totally hot. and if he weren't married i'd sure as hell "do" him. Chris Nixon Posted: 3/21/2006by: Henry Holland I used to think Trot Nixon was hot until:
1. I realized he had a perfectly good first name, Christopher, but goes by the absurd Trot.
2. He opened his mouth while being interviewed and every third word was "Jesus" or "God". Yeah, right, got it, The Baby Jesus Is Your Lord and Savior.
He's probably the kind of guy who screams "Lord Jay-sus! Take me home!" when he comes and then lies their crying afterwards because sex without producing babies is a sin. Tool. Great article Jeter Posted: 3/21/2006by: Alex nm Hew K.W. Get Real Posted: 3/21/2006by: Frisco Ho These barhounds would do Annalisa in a New Yawk minute. Or, for that matter, any other primate that squats to pee.
Except, of course, that ManRam and Kapler are both queer as 3 dollar bills.
Annalisa, have you checked out "On the DL" ? (Itsasecretsohush.blogspot.com) - blog by and for "Baseball Annies" giving up the 4-1-1 on which players cheat on the road (basically all of them, including holier than thou CSchill). Make your dreams come true! A fan for all reasons Posted: 3/21/2006by: hebsy Great article. I always wanted to read a position by position rundown of a team during Spring Training. I didn't think they'd be the various Kama Sutra positions, however. Now, when I watch a game on TV, I'll turn to my girlfriend and ask "Would you do him?" and "What position would be best?" Sexiest Red Sox player of all time? Gotta be Luis Tiant (with that big cigar). Right Monica? I mean....Annalisa? ceo Posted: 3/21/2006by: Fred Sanford What makes you think its her real picture? I think Alan Greenspan wrote this article. The money manny is making, I bet Greenspan would bend over for him in a heartbeat Bruno! Posted: 3/21/2006by: Victor French Bruno, my man! ol' Victor's here for you, buddy. I got the shitbox gassed up and ready. The hard part is gonna be ditching Johnathan. That motherfucker would never go for it. That mullet-headed goody two-shoes son of a bitch!
Awwwwww!!!!! I guess he could do wall sits and Id straddle him and lick his shaved head. I imagine it to taste like peanut butter. 
The white boy braids of 04 were strangely appealing and I could maybe, MAYBE deal with Covering the Bases, his cleverly-titled CD where he sings covers (haha, get it?) of, among others, the Goo Goo Dolls. But seriously, Pacy, Joey may have liked bleached hair back when she was a God-fearing Midwestern girl, but now that Tom tells her not to, the look just doesnt work. Hes also got juuuuust enough chin pubes to make me think thats all he can grow. Which is fine, but anyone who puts that much grooming into the mutant caterpillars currently residing above his eyes should put a little more primping effort into the lower half of his face. Thats all Im saying. The Queer Eye guys missed one.
