I was twelve when "Baby Got Back" was released. My first memory of that song is sitting in my kitchen as Sir-Mix-A-Lot purred little in the middle, but she got much back, spawning my thought, Hey, guys like girls with big butts. Its cool if I get fat. Oh, silly white girl.
Maybe it was coincidence that this monumental ode to my favorite body part came out when I was smack in the middle of a pubescent awkwardness that included a scoliosis brace (seriously). But from that day forward, I loved big butts. And, when I finally realized that Mr. A-Lot was not talking about white girls, per se, I became consumed with envy for something I could never achievethe elusive black-girl butt!
There are many reasons I am so fascinated with the derriere of African-American women (BGBs). First of all, no matter how many squats, lunges, roundhouse kicks, reverse thrusts or inappropriately-used Thigh Masters, posteriorly-doomed white girls will never attain the perfect BGB. I ran track for 12 years and my trunk is fairly junked, but the BGB is the elusive bubble that arches just out of the white girls reach. There isnt a gene in Europe that comes close. Even the Latinas with their fabulous hour-glass curves cannot get their lower backs to bow and their butt to rise in that perfect little bump that black girls are bestowed with at birth.
Track meets, for those of you fortunate enough to never have attended one, are a mecca of ass. Theres a reason SMAL (were on an acronym basis) says, Ill keep my women like Flo-Jo. Everywhere you look, teeny little girls are walking around with propellers. They arent even walking, really; theyre being pushed along by cheeked wings. Add to this the theory that everyone is faster in spandex butt-huggers and a sports bra (the uniform) and youll see more dumps than a toilet.
Sigh...
The Club is also a good place to scout BGBs. You know The Club. Its the place where the ballaz sip Courvoisier in VIP deciding whether to pop Cris or Dom P and ignore the hataz and the wankstaz watching from the sidelinez. The BGBs come out in full force here. Theyre in Apple Bottom jeans (designed by Nelly, loved by Oprah) looking so voluptuous as they drop it like its hot, shake it fast, dip it low, and flap their wings. I tried the Flap Your Wings dance once. Its a Nelly song wherein the girl is requested to drop down and get your eagle on. Apparently, you are supposed to squat and squeeze your legs in and out. Your thighs are wings that you are flapping. Its sexy? Possibly. I tried this and ripped the crotch of my jeans. They werent Apple Bottoms. Sadly, neither am I.
This is not a very good marketing device.
So, like any normal Caucasian girl with media-induced self-esteem issues, I looked into plastic surgery. Butt implants arent just for Argentineans anymore. The first website I looked at had this sentence: Needless to say, having one's butt end up on their hip won't generally result in the aesthetic 'look' one usually desires. What the fuck? Im already putting silicone in my body and youre telling me that it could migrate to the area where I want bumps the LEAST? Fergie would not be singing about that at all (even though My Humps is a mockery of all white girls, seeing as Fergie has an ass like a tortilla).
So, the next website I went to had the creepy Brazilian guy from "Dr. 90210". Now, I realize most people dont watch this show, and to you I say, Well played, my friend. Well played. This doctor is scary looking, does Tae Kwon Do, and has a waif-ish wife. Plus, every time hes in surgery he says things very eerily, like were going to make her beauuuuuuutiful [insert shuddering, villain laugh]. Okay, so the laugh is an exaggeration, but hes still creepy and if hes one of the experts on Gluteal Augmentation (time to get technical, folks) there is no way he is coming anywhere near my ass.
I gave up after that. Butt implants are too much work and I dont like the idea of sitting on plastic all the time. If I wanted my butt constantly numb, Id indulge my boyfriend a little more. I guess Im doomed to admire BGBs from afar. They are a thing of wonder and beauty that should be revered by everyone, not just rappers. To all the beautiful black women out there, I encourage you to arch your back, pop it out and strut your fabulous strut. Ill be the random white girl creepily staring at you from the corner.
really? Posted: 4/4/2006by: mute Can't we all find something to agree on? What about boobs?? Everybody likes boobs wait! wait! wait! Posted: 4/4/2006by: that guy that says he has a girlfriend whos got tha ass i wish I was a little more comp. savy to get the pic on this message board, but i date a white girl with the ill-est dumper this side of the two rivers(west)!! No joke, all the black girls we know (2) tell her they're jealous of how perty it is!!!! I swear it could crush cattle bones!!! The West is the best Posted: 4/4/2006by: Christine But I kind of pride myself on my milky white skin. I am petrified of wrinkles. call me vain, but don't call me late for dinner. (ha, my grandmother used to say that.) Cali has quite a bit of sun all year round. I would love to visit one day though. and that's where you come in joe. You think i am nice to all you guys in exotic places for the hell of it?? Nope, i am poor. I need your couches.
Oh, and if you ever put your God damned hands on me again, so help me jesus i will walk, and I won't come the fuck back!!!! You don't Know?!?!?! Posted: 4/4/2006by: Joe Kickass You don't know?!?!
*SMACK*
Oh, I'm sorry baby. I didn't mean to, I just got so worked up. I just love you so much baby I lose it sometimes. It'll never happen again baby.
But seriously, I would never move to Philly. Come out to California. God's Country. Hmm Posted: 4/4/2006by: Christine I don't know Joe. Would you move to philly? I kinda like having four seasons. Have you ever smelled a real October? Its indescribeable. Big fan Posted: 4/4/2006by: Joe Kickass of the big ass. Christine, will you marry me? The bubble-butt Posted: 4/4/2006by: GRB Not a fan myself...never really understood the obsession. I'm not a fan of flat-ass either, just give me a nice, well-rounded, not fat, piece of fine lady-ass, and I'll enjoy it...regardless of what color it may be. Who said Posted: 4/4/2006by: Tom Who said that white guys don't like girls with bootys? I'm pretty white, as are my friends, and we all agree that junk in the trunk is a good thing. Pics Posted: 4/4/2006by: Tom A Well done on the first couple ("stupid hurdle," indeed), but that last series is just simply not right.
I can understand making a point, and all, but some warning should be provided. Too early in the day for that.
Entertaining read, however, even as I worked to keep the coffee down. Ero Posted: 4/4/2006by: Christine It looks good on paper (or screen?), but it will never happen. no one is ever satisfied with their looks. No one is happy with what they were dealt. Now don't get wrong, I absolutely adore myself and think everyone else should, but there is not a day that goes by that I don't wish for some part of my body to be improved. Its psychological, but logical nonetheless.
