Seriously, Britney, what is going on? I cringed with guilty delight when you stole some random trash dancer from his pregnant girlfriend. I laughed giddily when the diet pills fell out of your purse at Heathrow. I watched in horror as your once-glorious six-pack melted and bulged into an incubation nest. And I actually dont hate the name Sean Preston (though I secretly think Lullaby Cheeto Spears would have been better). But the schaudenfreuden has worn off. Its time to get your shit together.
I dont know whether or not I want you to be pregnant for a second time. On one hand, it would explain why you are so irrefutably gross (and no, there is no other way to put it). But a second eerie spawn will no doubt signal the end of your over-hyped but fabulous career. It will be the final warning sign that I am no longer able to ignore. I want you back, but this second child (Im thinking Ferrari Frappucino Federline for a girl) will close the door on that dream. Repeat after me: You are not Madonna. Madonna at least had the sense to get knocked up by her trainer. You seem to have sent yours fleeing in a barrage of buffalo wings and gummi bears. Then, when he is gone, you retrieve the goodies off the street in your bare feet and munch on them as an appetizer to the gallon of Chunky Monkey you have waiting back at the house.
What will it take to motivate you back to your stripper-dancing, lip-syncing, snake-holding, coke-sniffing, Red Bull-drinking, Justin-sexing, Marlboro-smoking self? Shall we take a look back at your career? Will that help? I think it could. Dammit, put that fried chicken down! Are you even listening to me?
Lets start with Baby One More Time. Britney, this is classic. Millions of frat boys, pre-teens and child molesters have you to thank for the resurgence in the virgin-whore Halloween costume. But, lets delve a little deeper. You were a Mouseketeer. Yes, I was thirteen when you were on the Mickey Mouse Club and I realize that this is slightly older than the shows intended demographic, but never you mind. You could sing then. I choose to see this as the one beacon in your career that proves you had (have?) actual talent. What happened, Britney? Did your loneliness also kill your vocal chords?
Right around the time of the Sometimes video and your first tour you started to become a woman. Your hips and stomach inflated like Jessica Simpsons lips. Britney, these should have been your fat days. Now they can only be referred to as obvious foreshadowing.
We should've seen it coming
Oops I Did It Again came along and, YES, a bodysuit! You looked hot in red leather as you pointed to your heart and referenced Titanic. You were back! And then the infamous VMAs. Sparkles and stripping, does it really get any better? So what if you massacred Satisfaction before you took your clothes off? No one remembers that part. All across America, little boys' balls were dropping. You were en fuego, Miss Spears. Well done.
I admit it Britney, I thought this was your peak. I was ready for you to go down like Paris Hilton applying her Valtrex. But, Brit, I was as wrong as an I have the golden ticket maternity top. Because you released I'm A Slave 4 U (nice use of the 4 and U. Very hip). I love cock as much as the next girl, but every time I watch this video I need to change my underwear. You were sweaty, panting and wearing a thong outside your jeans and you still looked fucking awesome! Your abs were unreal and you convinced every female in the world that if they did 500 crunches a day, they could look like you. Most of us only did about 20 for, like, two days then had a burger because we earned it, but, whatever. You had a six-pack I wanted to lick maple syrup off and an ass that could crush cattle bones. Then you went on the VMAs again and danced with a fucking snake! You were unstoppable. Or so we thought...
Tell me, Brit, do you look back on these days and cry? Its okay. Let it out. It makes me cry too. A lot. I dont care if that mac and cheese makes you feel better. No, really, put it down. Shhh, shhh, everything will be all right.
After this, its all a blur. Most people blame your dear husband for your demise. I, on the other hand, have another culprit in mind. That douche choreographer to the stars, Wade Robson. What happened, Britney? One night did you just think, Man, banging Justin is getting so, like, ehhhh. I need to cheat on him with someone who most people would think is gay. Someone with nasty black eyebrows who was in Kazaam. Someone who looks like this.
I know Wade!
[NOTE: Wade is the him in I already know. I found out from him a la the best break-up song EVER, Justins Cry Me A River.]
Britney, I really hope youre still sore from that fuck, cause thats the only way cheating on Justin and thus causing this downward spiral can be justified (pun completely intended). See, Brit, Wade was the first step in exposing the nappy-haired, braless diner waitress that was lurking inside you. After Wade, its all just a haze of Colin Ferrell, Red Bull and vodkas, cigarette smoke, lines, weight gain, trucker hats, gas station bathrooms, slogan wife beaters and dice tattoos. Somewhere in there, Kevin found you and sunk his nasty, fertile hooks into you, like some kind of break-dancing albatross. Ok, okay, yes you kissed Madonna and that was kind of a big thing. But old Britney never had to kiss a middle-aged mom for people to look at her. Why does new Britney have to? You see what Im saying? Seriously, get that Snickers out of your mouth!
So, heres my one, two, three plan to get you back to tricking people youre not from Louisiana:
Step One: Get your ass to the gym. I know you have one in your house. Go downstairs, wipe the Oreo crumbs off the treadmill and run like Shar Jackson is chasing you for child support.
Step Two: You gotta stop looking like shit. Put on some fucking make-up when you leave the house. I dont care if youre Britney Spears, a mumu and Clearasil does not an outfit make. And, for the love of God, please wear shoes. ou need to put something between your heel and those hypodermic needles hiding in the parking lot.
Step Three: Regarding your music, weve established that roughly 12 years ago, you had talent. Lets tap into that. And please, please, PLEASE stop directing your own videos. That Mona Lisa craponym you use is fooling no one. Seriously, what was the Do Somethin video? I need to digress for a minute. I imagine the pitch to have gone something like this:
Omigod, yall, OK, heres what were gonna do [gum snapping]. Me and my hoes are gonna be in a freaking awesome PINK HUMMER. Okay, and then, were gonna class the shit out of it and, like, make everything inside Louis Vuitton. Then, were gonna take me, my hoes and the Luis Vuitton [more gum snapping] and, yall ready, put it in THE FUCKING SKY! Were gonna be driving this hummer through the muthafuckin clouds, yall. And, you know what, if yall dont like it, why dont ya do somethin. Ha ha ha [gum snapping]!
Don't worry, the car's on autopilot
I mean, really. Did that make you feel creative? I hope you got that out of your system. You need to book Joseph Kahn for the next three years. Trust me.
Britney, its not going to be easy. But neither was letting Fred Durst know you go Brazilian, and you didnt seem to have much trouble there. You have inspired girls everywhere. My friends and I dressed up like you for Halloween. It broke my heart that we had to have Trashy, Pregnant Britney, even if she was the crowd favorite. Hopefully, next year, we can add Comeback, With Only One Kid Britney. I believe in you. Do you believe in you? Stop spraying that Cheez Whiz in your mouth!
Wow, I agree!! Posted: 4/1/2006by: Brooke That was all well said, I feel like I put myself in the same situation as Britney and I need to get off my lazy ass, too!! fuck! Posted: 3/29/2006by: Julie that was really good! I enjoyed, and give you, a girl on this site, props for hanging.
Peace. mmmm the sweet smell of.....fat Posted: 3/29/2006by: Tyler Durden I am eagerly waiting behind the dumpster for the liquid gold they will be sucking out of her sometime very soon. Although I am still very well supplied by the 120lbs they extracted out of that waste of life Anna Nicole, but hey there is always someone who needs soap...or bombs (damn you Ted Kaczynski)! Jesse Posted: 3/28/2006by: Christine I don't hate the origin of my name, but its not the best name. Its very common and my friends call me Chrissy, which makes me feel ditzy - er.
Christine is the best of the other other choices though. He picked it when it was still a short story and not even a novel yet. Fran, Nola, and Charlie were other possibilities. My dad is a huge King fan. He used to read it to me when I was little for story time. I think I was the 5 year old who new the plot to The Shining.
But anything is better than Brittany Seriously, Christine? Posted: 3/28/2006by: Jesse L. "I was named after a stephen king novel and my last name sucks."
Your parents named you after Arnie Cunningham's 1958 Plymouth Fury?
That's awesome. You shouldn't hate on it.
I loathe Britney Spears Posted: 3/28/2006by: Frisco Ho because she has no talent and she simply steals her moves and her lyrics from the Sistas.
But I loved this piece. Great job.
I feel your pain Posted: 3/28/2006by: Tammy C Thank God, I thought I was the only one suffering from Britney withdrawl. Thanks for helping me thru it!!! blech Posted: 3/28/2006by: Bea Gass what a waste of time......too easy of a target Brit Posted: 3/28/2006by: mendel Seriously, Britney had one of the best bodies on earth for a while. If getting pregnant does that to a woman's body, my wife better start calling adoption agencies. Actually, check that. She's fat anyway. Annalisa Ellis Posted: 3/28/2006by: Christine Might be the prettiest name in the world. I'm a little jealous. I was named after a stephen king novel and my last name sucks.
Anyway, great article and welcome. I hope to read more of your shit. Also, Britany did have an awesome body. You hate to see that happen to someone, even if she is total trash.
