So the tape deck in my 94 Dodge Dakota is jammed again, forcing me to endure the local radio stations over the past few weeks whenever I dont feel like listening to the Aerosmith Pump cassette that is currently, regrettably, lodged in there.
That being said, I have a few choice words for the disk jockeys who oversee the various channels that I have no choice but to listen to while I save up money to buy a new, more modern tape deck.
Hey Classic Rock DJ:
Stop trying to Rock Me To My Weekend. I like weekends as much as the next guy, but I dont need your constant updates about how far away the next one is. I can do that math. And I certainly dont need the J. Geils Band to help me get there.
Also, please stop playing new music from classic rock bands in an attempt to make the bands seem currently relevant. Words cant describe how little interest I have in hearing A new one from Sammy Hagar.
Hey Oldies DJ:
Enough with the trivia already. Thats really sweet that you know the name of the bassist from Hermans Hermits, but just because youve wasted your life gathering such knowledge doesnt mean that we have. I dont want to spin your Mega Motown Prize Wheel to try to win passes to a day spa. Just play some fucking Stones and shut up.
Hey Hip Hop DJ on 107.BLAK:
Does that beat really need to be behind everything? With that same incessant rhythm, I have a hard time differentiating between Young Jeezys newest cut and your hourly traffic updates and urban-oriented commercials for Check Into Cash stores and wig outlets.
Hey College DJ:
Get your shit together dude. I know that this is a learning experience, but that doesnt mean you have to suck this colossally hard. Whats with all the tech problems? Does that three minutes of dead airtime following songs really have to be that frequent? Could you at least try to have the right song come on after you announce it every now and then?
And I know its lame to be excited to be on the radio and that you have a detached, angst-ridden persona to keep up, but could you do me a solid; drop the attitude for a minute and put some goddamned inflection in your voice? I promise I wont tell anyone that you emote.
Im also super-impressed by your vast musical knowledge and your unwillingness to conform to societys shitty musical standards, but just because something is really obscure doesnt mean that its good. Its great that you found that bootleg-live performance from the former band of the lead singer of The Arcade Fire on which they cover an old Velvet Underground song, but that doesnt change the fact that its completely fucking unlistenable.
Hey Extreme DJ:
It's Over Sammy
Korn sucks my balls. So does Staind. Why are you so mad? Im super sorry your stepdad never hugged you as a child, but that doesnt give you the right to take it out on me with your shitty, angry-scream-rock.
Additionally, Extreme DJ- your Extreme Morning Show is garbage, too. Dont get me wrong, I love the colorful and vivid descriptions of the dump you took this morning (now, thats edgy!), and your ongoing contest that encourages your female listeners to send in pictures of themselves wearing thongs to your website for their chance to be voted Miss 92.3 Extreme Camel Toe. Thats just plain good radio.
Its just too early in the day to deal with the painful realization that your show being on the air suggests that there are enough ignorant people living in my area to merit an entire radio program geared towards them.
Hey Top 20 Pop DJ:
Please stop. Just stop. You are ruining our youth with this vacuous music and its associated culture.
Also, youre 35 years old; stop trying to use current catch phrases in a sad attempt to appeal to your youthful listeners. The new Kelly Clarkson album will come out this weekend, not drop. Say, it bitch! Say it!
Hey Adult Contemporary DJ:
Ive got no issues with you. Someone has to sate the masses that await dental exams and new license plates with their Bryan Adams and Richard Marx fix. My only gripe arises when you try to pass off three-year old songs as being Fresh new music. Your listeners are old and out of touch. Most of them have come to terms with that; why cant you? Everythings cool as long as I dont hear: All right, heres the new one from Train, this is 'Drops Of Jupiter' on 102.3 The Wave.
Hey Country Station DJ:
I dont listen to you. Ever. Someone can fill this one in for me.
Hey DJ Jazzy Jeff:
Wills had his day in the sun, I think its time to make your move.
More Linkin Park!
Hey D.J. Tanner:
How about letting a creepy old man live out his youthful fantasy and make awkward love to you in your TV bedroom while Stephanie watches?
Alright, I got a little off topic at the end there, but you guys get the gist.
miz Posted: 3/26/2006by: Unreal that extreme dj one was dead on. it described my local rock station's dj's to a T. They once had a contest to win 311 tickets, only the contest consisted of "girls, send us a picture of your boobs in a bikini top or bra or something and you might get to see 311, but you will definitely be shared around on the internet!!!" god I hate you gonzo, geo, and especially you douche, mr. i fuck minors in the back of the station's van Beetle Posted: 3/16/2006by: Leslie You have really calm down. I have never posted a thing on this site but I find it hillarious when people use the Caps Lock button to show extreme rage. And really, you're getting this mad over which satellite radio is better. Are you going to yell at someone and say your dad can beat up there dad next? Who friggin cares, as long as you're not listening to MMMM Bop.
Nice Job Polk. I totally agree with the extreme DJ's. Why the fuck do people like listening to other people scream anyway? I can just listen to my parents at dinner if I want to hear that shit. Idiot Posted: 3/16/2006by: Beetle Sirius DOES NOT have a portable system that you can actually listen to a live radio feed. LOOK IT UP YOU FUCKING DUMMY! Also, per the NASDAQ, Sirius' diluted stock is selling for $4.50 (Ahahahahaha) XM's is sell for over $20. Howie blows! But hey, Sirius also has Bubba the Love Sponge! Oh joy! FAGGOT!! Beetle Posted: 3/15/2006by: Yakov Sirius does have a portable system. Look it up. Sirius has more sports stations, talk, etc. My gf has XM - I know. "Brink of bankruptcy"? XM's stock has fallen more than 10 percent. Nice try, lil guy.
In Soviet Russia, people listen to Opie and Anthony. What a country!
Pump? Posted: 3/15/2006by: JimHL With all due respect, Polk, how did Pump get INTO your car tape player? Unless it's been jammed there since 1990 - it should have been taken out, then thrown out the window, right after Tyler moaned the into to Janie's Gotta Gun. Yakov Posted: 3/15/2006by: Beetle Yeah, Sirius is great. They don't even have a portable system where you can listen to a live radio feed. Are you kidding me???? XM has 6 different Ipod sized radios which stream live radio. Sirius has no such device and does not have one in the works. Losers. Also, if Sirius is dumb enough to allow unlimited internet users on one password, it is no wonder they are on the brink of bankruptcy. Dumbasses. Sirius Posted: 3/15/2006by: Yakov ... is better and not cuz of Stern. 2 people can't even listen to XM online at the same time, lame-o. I gave my Sirius passwords out to tons of people and they all enjoy it. Opie and Anthony??? ha - you must like Larry the Cable Guy too. The Frank Posted: 3/15/2006by: Frank I agree Sat. Radio Posted: 3/15/2006by: Beetle Is the only way to go. Also, get the XM because Sirius blows doggie dick. Howard Stern is an old Jooooooooooo! He is now too old, lazy, and pompous to even work on Fridays. Nice way to screw your fans Howie. Also, he is scared shitless of Opie and Anthony. Yeah I got on sneaks, but I need a new pair Posted: 3/15/2006by: Christine I second the good call Joe.
P.S. A place called the Plateau is where everybody was, but now you are pretty much guaranteed to get gang raped there.
