WAUSAW, WI- A complicated porn move attempted by local boyfriend Mike Dean Saturday evening resulted in discomfort, awkwardness and ultimately, utter failure.
Dean, 31, and his 28-year old girlfriend of two years, Mary Woodbury, rarely divert from their routine sexual positions.But after a night of heavy drinking at a mutual friend’s birthday party, Dean proposed that they “try something different”.
“Like a lot of guys, I’ve watched a ton of porn in my day”, said Dean, “and sometimes you just can’t help but get a little inspired and say, ‘Hey, I should try that!’But let me tell ya, it’s a lot harder than it looks.”
Maybe Next Time
“I’ve always been open to trying different things,” added Woodbury. “I’m all for spicing up the sex life, but I found nothing whatsoever enjoyable about whatever Mike tried on me the other night. And frankly, I can’t imagine who would.”
“I couldn’t establish a good center of balance,” lamented Dean. “I’m not trying to blame Mary or anything, but I don’t think she’s all that flexible. And when I finally got her into a position where I thought I could make the move work, she started wigging out and said she ‘couldn’t breath’.”
“The reason I couldn’t breath was because I had a face full of his ass, which is a real turn-on,” sniped Woodbury, “I mean, I was trying to be a good sport and indulge his stupid fantasy, but I have to draw a line somewhere, you know?”
Both parties sustained minor injuries in the encounter, with Dean pulling a hamstring and Woodbury straining her back. Despite these setbacks, Dean remains optimistic about pornographic experimentation in the couple’s sexual future. “I’m not going to let this sway me”, he vowed, “I just watched “Ass Blasters 3: The Ravaging” and I saw this bitchin’ move I want to try. But first I’ve gotta get on-line to see if there’s anywhere I can rent a pommel horse.”
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