Are you yanking my dick like a glory hole at a Catholic Sunday school? I put in 20 hours of viewing time for what? A weeks worth of hurry up and wait. "The Shield" was the only thing that delivered this week, while both "Lost" and "The Sopranos" force-fed their audiences episodes that could have easily been skipped and replaced with next weeks previously on. I mean, sure, its cool that Tony has an open hole in his chest from getting plugged by his crazy uncle, and yeah maybe there is a story in AJ whacking Junior or who gets to run the family if Tony takes a dive. But honestly we really just want to see Meadow dancing in her skivvies some more, not Tony talking to brand new characters that are just Fig Newtons of his procrastination.
"Lost" was worse. Bitch, what do you mean Im impotent and youre pregnant? I dont care if all I hear is people talking like the adults in Charlie Brown cartoons; I will still whoop your monkey ass all up and down this island if that kid comes out looking like Adebisi. Seriously, why the fuck is Jin gonna trust some chick that somehow learned a whole other fucking language without his knowledge? If that chick says she pregnant, Im here to tell you that you are not Joseph and she is about as close to being Mary as Taylor Hayes. The best-case scenario is that the Others slipped it in her after Charlie knocked her the fuck out.
But more importantly on "Lost", what the fuck was up with those Dharma Os? I half expected them to pull a secret decoder ring out of the box that helped them figure out the symbols on the countdown clock in old-school Orphan Annie fashion. Next week on Lost: the clock gets to 0 and Locke uses his secret decoder ring to figure out that the hidden message behind the numbers is Eat More Dharma Os! Genius. By the way, I went over to ABC and bit a hole in the patella of the guy who thought it would be great to have the show end with a cliff-hanger of not knowing whether or not the prisoner was lying about his balloon actually being there, and then immediately showing us a trailer where they find his balloon next week. Thanks for wasting a whole week of my life, ass-clowns.
Even "The West Wing" blew hairy ass chunks. Last week the guy from "M.A.S.H." watches his whole campaign go up in smoke and Josh and Donna start finally think about fitting his mushroom tip into her meat slot, and then this week everything with Hawkeyes campaign is fine and Josh and Donna seem to have forgotten that they might want to consider fucking each other in the mouth. Plus on 24, Tony Almeida is dead and all Im left with is the image of an aging Soul Man putting the screws to The Girl Next Door. Not to mention Chicken Little got kicked off "Idol" and the dumb Asian girl who cried over a roach didnt get kicked off "Americas Next Ugly Thin Model". I might just stick to "Deal or No Deal" if TV doesnt get better by Easter. At least watching Howie Mandel reminds me of blowing up a surgical glove on my head with my nose. Fuck, when does football season start?
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. An added testicle for shit that is in between.
In this racially charged sequel to The Accused, Jodie Foster is raped by a black man on a pinball machine. Aw shit, Im sorry. Did I go too far with that one? I meant to say, In this remake of the cinematic classic Swordfish an aging Scientologist finds that not only has his career reached the point of playing a second-fiddle bad guy to Wolverine, but that bank heist movies are only good when they can some how involve Halle Berrys tits. Okay wait, thats not this movie either. Believe it or not, this movie is the Spike Lee version Dog Day Afternoon crossed with the first Die Hard with more twists and turns thrown in than the Fuji track on "Pole Position". Every single character has wrinkles and flaws that create real depth. The bad guys dont seem to want to just run with the money, the hostages wont strip, the goody two-shoes cop wont try to clear his name from the corruption charges leveled against him, and Jodie Foster wont switch bodies with her mom. Okay, not the last one.
I wont ruin the story, but Jodie Foster is brought in by the bank manager to help protect the assets that are being stored in one particular safety deposit box. Is Marcelluss soul in that brief case, or is it just some kind of red herring? Watch and see as characters mysteriously float through scenes on that all to bizarre stationary-on-the-actor-but-moving-in-the-background Spike Lee cam dolly. Honestly, its a pretty good movie. If you havent seen V yet, Inside Man is probably the best money spent at the box office this weekend.
Here at The Phat Phree we love to cover comedy movies to try lend a helping hand the comedy industry we love and respect. So as soon as Larry The Cable Guy releases a comedy movie well do a review of it. A movie about a redneck in a sleeveless flannel being a city health inspector, however, gets no rating. You might think the dirty hillbilly doling out restaurant grades for cleanliness is a clever joke, but it is honestly more just an insult to your ability to walk upright and not drag your knuckles. But I hear this movie tested well with poo-flinging monkeys, if its any consolation. At least the title for Deuce Bigelow, Male Gigolo rhymed. I cant even say that much for this 89-minute version of what is at best an adaptation of a bad three-minute punchline from a stand-up routine that would bomb in a room filled with nitrous. Look, if you snuck into this movie with a six-pack of Genny Cream Ale and got your dingleberry ripped out when you stood up to leave, because it got Velcro-like stuck to the back of your seat from your gaping plumber's crack-bearing jeans, then you might be a redneck or you are just a waste of human flesh that should have their right eye removed from the socket with a spork.
You gotta wonder how this shit happens. Simultaneously two companies are pouring millions of dollars into what is almost exactly the same idea. Seriously, do these people not read the trade magazines? How do Armageddon and Deep Impact come out months apart? Or Antz and A Bugs Life? Werent there like three productions going of Alexander at the same time? And how did we get stuck with a gay Oliver Stone / Collin Ferrell rip off of Troy instead of the Scorsese /DiCaprio version? Well anyway, he we go again, except on TV. Apparently the end of March is just perfect for robbing people. In the theaters we have Inside Man, on TV we get Must-See Robberies on NBC and heady semi-Robin Hood dramatics on F/X.
Both "Thief" and "Heist" will attempt to arc 13 episodes out of one initial robbery scenario, though Andre Braugher takes more of a Shield-like turn as his stepdaughter and wife are affected by the fact that the Chinese mob is now knee deep in his ass like an enflamed hemorrhoid. That dry sense of reality, however, is what really slows this show down to a slower psychological burn along the weird lines of "Invasion". Whereas the Doug Liman-directed pilot of "Heist" takes feels more like McG than Matlock. All the glitz and gloss of the network that soared with "Miami Vice" and plummeted with "Las Vegas" seems to be forcefully injected into their-catch me-if-you-can action-oriented version of this idea, like the necessary steroids that are required to knock a little white ball repeatedly over the back stadium wall. But the only excitement in watching someone put it over the wall every time is wondering when that ability is going to run out. The truth is, a good drama has both the slow burn and the big action. Fuck yeah, you should blow some shit up. Do you think I didnt stand up and cheer when that guy got sucked into the turbine engine and spit out the other end as flame-broiled ground chuck in the "Lost" pilot? But that kind of shit only has impact when you have stylized interesting plot points to support it, and good characters to react to it.
Both casts are phenomenal, but why exactly are these crooks so damn smart? I know a lot of people that have stolen some shit and a lot of cops whose job it is to catch those people, and Im here to tell you their collective idea of being smart is figuring out what is the swear word that is being bleeped out of Shawnettas mouth as she decks her ex-boyfriend in the eye on "Jerry Springer". Not exactly the type of people youd believe could simultaneously rob three Beverly hills stores or enrage the Chinese mafia, or be the people to catch these anti-superheroes.
Finding characters like Vic Mackey and Tony Soprano that can navigate the line between good and bad in an honest way implies that the characters have to make both good decisions and decisions that would make an epileptic retard cringe, not just look like cool TV versions of Oceans Eleven characters, or guys that know how to use ten-dollar words that were pulled right out of a Thesaurus, instead of the common colloquial vernacular of the worlds real thieves. Both of these shows have high potential and might be worth catching now just in case they turn into something great, but that will only happen when their writers and networks realize that people want smarter shows- not smarter characters who shouldnt be.
Does anyone remember that scene from Troll where Julia Louis-Dreyfus was running through the woods naked? I do. She was thoroughly bangable back then. Then I saw her do the dance with the thumbs and shit on "Seinfeld" and I never quite looked at her the same again. She is still on my swimmer receptacle list, but more because I like funny girls than thinking she was still some hot piece of ass. Speaking of Troll, it just reminds that most people are completely unaware that not only was that plotless movie the worst piece of shit any "Saturday Night Live" alum was ever a party to, it was also the movie JK Rowling stole not only the name Harry Potter, but most of the idea for first book. But I digress.
Nowadays, apparently Julia Louis-Dreyfus is trying to get back to her sexy days by patterning her career after Lisa Kudrow. Huh? Didnt she get the memo that people hated "The Comeback"? Nobody wants to see the middle-aged woman get a new lease on life when they hate the woman. Given, Old Christine is a far more likeable character than the reality parody character from "The Comeback", but all the 40-year old women around her are still hateable, vapid, cul-de-sac cretins that will disgust the obvious 35-60 year old female demo this show is shooting for. Sure, its funny that Julia Louis-Dreyfus character is called Old Christine because her ex-husband is now dating a women half his age that has the same name as his ex, but hanging a whole show on that premise with only one likeable character will in the end leave this joke as the epitaph on yet another post-"Seinfeld" tombstone.
1.) Are the best shows on TV moving too goddamn slow, or is that really what makes us love them so fucking much?
2.) Last week I saw that "American Idol"-like Inventors show and this week I see that there is some new high concept reality show coming about locking people in a room until they agree who gets the money, but what I really want to know is what you guys would come up with as a reality show. Would Atlas want to see a show where gay hairdressers have to come up with the best outrageous quaffs? Or would Christine make a competition show about having to live like ancient Mayans who will sacrifice and eat whatever contestant doesnt appease the gods from week to week? Or maybe Victor French has a "Fear Factor"-like show where deuce and kiley have to see how long they can wear Victors As cap before the smell makes them spew chunks? You tell me. What would you want to see if you could make your own reality show?
Charlie Posted: 3/27/2006by: MESH Brilliant idea...brilliant comment...
"It would single-handedly revolutionize television- fuck that, civilization." - brilliant line...not to jump on your dick or anything though...but that line made me piss a little...still recovering...thank you TPP...you make my life worht not going on a killing rampage where I work... Check it out Posted: 3/26/2006by: Ed Harris' Head What's up people? I'm Ed Harris' head. I've been in a ton of movies, usually connected to Ed Harris' body. I bet you like my masculine brow and male pattern baldness, huh? Yeah, me too. Have you guys seen "A History of Violence" yet? I made a lot of good faces in that one. I also did a sort of "Jersey Gutter" accent. It was a nice touch, I thought. Hooker vs. Monkey Posted: 3/26/2006by: Charlie There is only one reality show that needs to be made and it is "Hooker vs. Monkey".
Third world hookers must fight monkeys in an arena for food. There is a giant wheel of weapons, and the hooker spins once for herself and once for the monkey. Now these are wild, angry monkeys, and cyphalitic hookers who are REALLY hungry.
The items on the weapon wheel could range from a box of thumb tacks to a second monkey. It would single-handedly revolutionize television- fuck that, civilization. Imagine this:
"Catalina has spun a vile of AIDS for the monkey, Chip."
"Oh my, that's a tough break. Even if she wins that chicken salad sandwich won't begin to cover the drug treatment she'll need for the rest of her life."
"You are assuming she doesn't already have the HIV, Chip. And judging by her lack of reaction to the spin, I'd say that's a good possiblility. Then again, that hooker looks really fucked up, so who knows. Anyway, here she goes with her own spin."
"I'm hoping she gets the bullwhip. That's basically a useless weapon. It just makes the monkeys more furious."
"Oh dear. She's spun a second monkey!"
"Oh my, that hooker is fucked." Sir, yes Sir! Posted: 3/24/2006by: Victor French 1977) Mr. Napalm, Sir! When are you going to do a review of the latest "Highway to Heaven" episode? I dont give a fuck if the last one came out in 89'. Do a fuckin' review on it! My goddamn A's hat smells like 3 different baboons took a greezy banana-diet shit in it, then lit it on fire! What's that got to do with anything? Fuckin' nothing! I'm Victor French goddammit! I roll hard as FUCK with a bitch-ass angel in a shitbox Ford LTD (1977). I'm fuckin' pissed the fuck off! Yeah Posted: 3/24/2006by: Christine I hear you Heather. You hate to see shrivelige of any kind in the chest area. I am convinced that my ass will be a solid massive rock until I'm 90, but the girl fluctuate. I either have to stay at the same weight forever or get some plastic ones. Otherwise, they could look like the neighbor's in "There's something about Mary" by the time I'm 35. I just can't have that.
George Glass was funny Tom, but Heather is not making up the new lover. TomA & Christine Posted: 3/24/2006by: HMK Hey I forgot about that idea, you're right that would be my idea for a reality show. I still think we can pull it together, amI planning a road trip to Utah this summer already. John is the dude on my myspace profile, no faken it here.... in anyway!
Christine-One of them? You mean like a waif. I have to much muscle to be a waif, don't you worry. Basically just my chest and ass have gone missing, kinda sad actually. MILTON Posted: 3/24/2006by: HMK I am laughing so hard right now, that is the funniest thing I have heard in awhile, right along with Christines comment. Joe Posted: 3/24/2006by: Christine You damn well better. Thanks Milton Posted: 3/24/2006by: Christine I was just caught laughing hysterically by my dad and when he asked what was so funny I couldn't come up with anything, so I actually told him the truth. Now my dad thinks I am a perverted skank. He had to find out sooner or later I guess. Christine Posted: 3/24/2006by: Joe Kickass Decided to clear it all. May add again soon.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
In this racially charged sequel to The Accused, Jodie Foster is raped by a black man on a pinball machine. Aw shit, Im sorry. Did I go too far with that one? I meant to say, In this remake of the cinematic classic Swordfish an aging Scientologist finds that not only has his career reached the point of playing a second-fiddle bad guy to Wolverine, but that bank heist movies are only good when they can some how involve Halle Berrys tits. Okay wait, thats not this movie either. Believe it or not, this movie is the Spike Lee version Dog Day Afternoon crossed with the first Die Hard with more twists and turns thrown in than the Fuji track on "Pole Position". Every single character has wrinkles and flaws that create real depth. The bad guys dont seem to want to just run with the money, the hostages wont strip, the goody two-shoes cop wont try to clear his name from the corruption charges leveled against him, and Jodie Foster wont switch bodies with her mom. Okay, not the last one. 
Here at The Phat Phree we love to cover comedy movies to try lend a helping hand the comedy industry we love and respect. So as soon as Larry The Cable Guy releases a comedy movie well do a review of it. A movie about a redneck in a sleeveless flannel being a city health inspector, however, gets no rating. You might think the dirty hillbilly doling out restaurant grades for cleanliness is a clever joke, but it is honestly more just an insult to your ability to walk upright and not drag your knuckles. But I hear this movie tested well with poo-flinging monkeys, if its any consolation. At least the title for Deuce Bigelow, Male Gigolo rhymed. I cant even say that much for this 89-minute version of what is at best an adaptation of a bad three-minute punchline from a stand-up routine that would bomb in a room filled with nitrous. Look, if you snuck into this movie with a six-pack of Genny Cream Ale and got your dingleberry ripped out when you stood up to leave, because it got Velcro-like stuck to the back of your seat from your gaping plumber's crack-bearing jeans, then you might be a redneck or you are just a waste of human flesh that should have their right eye removed from the socket with a spork.
You gotta wonder how this shit happens. Simultaneously two companies are pouring millions of dollars into what is almost exactly the same idea. Seriously, do these people not read the trade magazines? How do Armageddon and Deep Impact come out months apart? Or Antz and A Bugs Life? Werent there like three productions going of Alexander at the same time? And how did we get stuck with a gay Oliver Stone / Collin Ferrell rip off of Troy instead of the Scorsese /DiCaprio version? Well anyway, he we go again, except on TV. Apparently the end of March is just perfect for robbing people. In the theaters we have Inside Man, on TV we get Must-See Robberies on NBC and heady semi-Robin Hood dramatics on F/X. 
Both casts are phenomenal, but why exactly are these crooks so damn smart? I know a lot of people that have stolen some shit and a lot of cops whose job it is to catch those people, and Im here to tell you their collective idea of being smart is figuring out what is the swear word that is being bleeped out of Shawnettas mouth as she decks her ex-boyfriend in the eye on "Jerry Springer". Not exactly the type of people youd believe could simultaneously rob three Beverly hills stores or enrage the Chinese mafia, or be the people to catch these anti-superheroes. 
Does anyone remember that scene from Troll where Julia Louis-Dreyfus was running through the woods naked? I do. She was thoroughly bangable back then. Then I saw her do the dance with the thumbs and shit on "Seinfeld" and I never quite looked at her the same again. She is still on my swimmer receptacle list, but more because I like funny girls than thinking she was still some hot piece of ass. Speaking of Troll, it just reminds that most people are completely unaware that not only was that plotless movie the worst piece of shit any "Saturday Night Live" alum was ever a party to, it was also the movie JK Rowling stole not only the name Harry Potter, but most of the idea for first book. But I digress.
Nowadays, apparently Julia Louis-Dreyfus is trying to get back to her sexy days by patterning her career after Lisa Kudrow. Huh? Didnt she get the memo that people hated "The Comeback"? Nobody wants to see the middle-aged woman get a new lease on life when they hate the woman. Given, Old Christine is a far more likeable character than the reality parody character from "The Comeback", but all the 40-year old women around her are still hateable, vapid, cul-de-sac cretins that will disgust the obvious 35-60 year old female demo this show is shooting for. Sure, its funny that Julia Louis-Dreyfus character is called Old Christine because her ex-husband is now dating a women half his age that has the same name as his ex, but hanging a whole show on that premise with only one likeable character will in the end leave this joke as the epitaph on yet another post-"Seinfeld" tombstone. 
