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More respectable than Nolte's
You know, at first I felt bad for my boy Wesley Snipes. I thought, damn…Wesley is in some tax issues. Life must be hard when you've only done "Wildcats", "Jungle Fever", "Major League", "White Men Can't Jump", and the "Blade Trilogy", for your career. I thought he was the American version of Daniel Day Lewis. Just selective as shit, without all those award thingies to show for it. Turns out, he was about as selective as a hooker with a debt problem.
Did he "Monster" us beyond recognition like Charleze Theron did? Is that why we haven't seen him recently? Charlie Murphy did tell us that Wesley was the blackest thing on earth before he and Eddie came to be but I didn't know Wesley's career was pitch black too.
I was able to catch up with the 57th passenger prior to him being shipped off to the place where buttholes are reverse engineered. Here was our conversation.
This is my tax exempt pose
Me: So Wesley, tough break in court. Wesley: It's all good, bro! Me: Well that's good…I guess. But I just feel bad for you. Wesley: Why's that? Me: I mean, other than "Blade", your presence in movies this century has mimicked the presence of natural skin cells on Joan Rivers's face. And then all of a sudden I see you in the news not paying taxes. Where you been? Wesley: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I have been making a ton of movies! Me: (A long drawn out pause as I chuckle and look for the Punk'd cameras) Wesley: (Not laughing) Me: You mean like funded movies? Wesley: Yeah bitch. Me: Movies you're selling out of that back of your car in lower Manhattan? Wesley: Man! You mean to tell me that you've never heard of "7 Seconds"? Me: No. Must have been out just as long in the theaters as "8 Seconds". Wesley: Luke Perry is the shit though, right? Me: He's a doll. Wesley: Did you see me in "The Marksman"? Me: Nah, I went to see "Shooter" instead. Wesley: "Liberty Stands Still"? Me: "Liberty Stands Still"? Oh was that a 9/11 thing? There were so many 9/11 documentaries that I couldn't keep up. When did you get involved with the docu side of things? Wesley: It ain't a fuckin documentary. It's a movie with me and Oliver Platt and I'm a fuckin skydiver who has to- Me: Wait a sec! Skydiving? I thought you were a skydiver in "Drop Zone"? Wesley: Oh shit, you're right…Oh yeah! I get my movies mixed up. "Liberty Stands Still" is about…Fuck! What was that about?... Oh yeah, it was about me holding this girl hostage with my sniper rifle while she's on the phone...with me. Me: Oh you mean like Colin Farrell in "Phone Booth"? Wesley: What? Me: Let's move on otherwise it'll upset you. I'm really interested in hearing about this so-called career of yours. I almost feel bad that I was feeling bad for you! I could have sworn that Willy Mays Hayes was like 3 movies ago! Wesley: No way man. Always bet on black! Me: Wersley, you can't just quote "Passenger 57" lines and come off as making any sense. You ceased being a movie star ever since "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" went off the air. But seriously, what was after "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance 2"? Wesley: "Zig Zag"! Me: "Zig Zag"? I don't think that the home video you and Oliver made on the drunken car ride home constitutes a movie so let's get serious. Wesley: Oliver WAS in "Zig Zag"! Me: Wow. You guys apparently make quite the team. Wesley: Oh man, we are nothing like Ving Rhaymes and Peter Falk though! Those guys are THE tandem. Me: (long pause) Tandem? That's about as likely a tandem as Rocco Siffiredi and Dame Judy Dench. Wesley, I don't think Ving Rhames and Peter Falk know each other exist. Wesley: Well they did "Undisputed" together…with me! Funny thing was, Tom Berenger was penciled in for Falk's spot but he was shooting "Sniper 3". Me: I will stick my penis in a meat grinder if you are telling the truth! Wesley: I'm serious! Tom Berenger was supposed to be in it. Ask him! Me: Not about that! The fact that there was a "Sniper 3"!!!! Wesley: Oh hell yeah! Berenger's our generation's Jason Bourne, man! Me: I'm glad you're going to jail. – Anyhow, for chronology's sake, what was after "Undisputed"? Wesley: "Unstoppable". Me: Unbelievable. Wesley: Pow! (Wesley grins ear to ear). You can put a cat in the oven but that don't make it a biscuit, you dig?! Me: (to the production crew) Anyone have a Zantac? Wesley: Funny thing is, I can't remember a Goddamn person in "Unstoppable". Me: Funny thing is, no one can. (uncomfortable pause) So is that it? Does that bring us up to date? Wesley: No, next up was "Chaos". Me: Like you're 1040 form. Wesley: And then there was "The Detonator". Me: Which is what I wish someone would press right now. Are we caught up now? Wesley: No man, then I came up to "Hard Luck". Me: I'm guessing that you're not talking about your tax situation? Wesley: Nope. Me and Mario Van Peebles rekindled the magic of "New Jack City". And Cybill Shepherd acted the shit out of that movie too! She's going to be huge. Me: Cybi- I think she might be dead! Are you like Bobby Fisher or something? Are you NOT allowed in this country to film movies? Wesley: No, I could have. But the tax breaks you get working abroad are astounding! Me: (I rub my eyes violently as I plead the headache out of my head) But since you were not filming all your movies in Dubai and taxes still exist, you're going to jail. Wesley: Taxes are stupid. If I was Blade I would bite taxes in the throat! Truth is, I shouldn't have to pay taxes since I was Blade! You know how many vampires I killed in that trilogy. I should be tax exempt! Fuckin did this country a service. (Wesley takes out a Katana blade that was conspicuously hidden under his garments and slashes the air as if he was fighting vampires, I guess. He then sits down.) Me: (Blink…Blink) So you think you're the world's free lancing non-taxpaying thespian superhero? Wesley: Or you could call me…the contractor! (he gives me some serious jazz hands) Me: Or that. (Wesley has a twinkle in his eye.) Me: No. Wesley nods. Me: NO!! Wesley: I'm a movie star baby! Me: You're a dipshit. You know you don't have to accept every adapted Japanese movie script that gets mailed to you, right? Wesley: How else was I supposed to pay my bills? Me: I don't know but I think the warden's calling you. Wesley: Don't worry, I'm a Gallowwalker! Me: I'm not even going to ask what that means. Wesley: It means that I hope you go see "Gallowwalker" in 2009! The victims I kill come back as zombies! It's revolutionary! Me: Sounds original. Wesley: Don't steal home without it! Me: I don't think American Express will give you a credit card right now, buddy.
There was so much potential
Wesley Snipes walks out angrily.
(Note: As I was gathering my things to leave the set, Wesley came back and asked me for cab money and demanded that I pay him in cigarettes for the interview.)
Goodluck Wesley. Thanks for the everything.
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