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Spinnin' only the wackest hip-hop beats!
Rap music is by nature an aggressive, forcible genre as compared to most other musical styles in popular culture. As such, the names chosen by the artists often reflect those elements of danger and mystique held within the music. Names like Public Enemy, Outkast and DMX are among the many that fall within this category. They fit the mold.
Then you have the dissenters—individuals or groups that, for whatever reason, strayed from the herd and went against the grain. Some did it intentionally, perhaps in a vein attempt to turn the genre upside down or somehow revolutionize the industry. Others tried their best to fall in line but simply ended up missing the mark, in some cases by a wide margin.
The following are one man’s view of hip-hop’s worst, or better stated, pussiest named acts. They are listed alphabetically so that you, the reader, may weigh in below on the official ranking. And one final note, out of respect for the old skool, The Sugar Hill Gang has been intentionally omitted.
Bubba Sparxxx What do you get when you mix a Georgia farmboy, hip-hop beats and a major label? Give up? Exactly what you’d expect… garbage. Now ol’ Bubba (born Warren Anderson Mathis) seems to have wanted a name with three elements; 1) a nod to his southern roots, 2) a word with firepower of some kind, and 3) intentional misspelling like all the other rappers. Under that criteria he could have been FlaymChuckin’ Dale or Xploder McCoy and all would have been forgiven, but Bubba Sparxxx? Inexcusable.
Kwamé the Boy Genius Without the tag “the boy genius” Kwamé probably wouldn’t have made this list. While in most cases proclaiming yourself a genius makes you pretentious, in the case of hip-hop it makes you a pretentious pussy. His 1990 debut had three follow-ups but the laws of diminishing returns set in quickly. His sophomore effort was really the end due in large part to the fact that Kwamé dubbed himself the "Pokadelick Adventurer" . Once polka dots went out, so too did his career. In his defense though, who could have seen the Polka Dot Fad coming to such a sudden end?
Paperboy When you think of the word “paperboy” you usually think of a twelve-year old kid on a Huffy, not a rapper. Well in 1992 that all changed with the arrival of the non-newspaper throwing West Coast rapper by exactly that name. He broke through with his single "The Ditty" (if this were a list of the pussiest rap song titles, he’d easily find himself on that list as well). He drifted away into obscurity after this Paperboy failed to 'deliver' another hit.
P.M. Dawn According to Prince Be (better known as the fat guy with the dreads), “P.M. Dawn is an abbreviation of the idea that in the darkest hour comes the light.” Well la-dee-da, are you a rap group or self-help author? Save the bullshit and gimme some lyrics about how tough it is on the streets or how if anyone fucks with you you’ll come back with your nine. As it is, these crystal-wearing pussies continue their quest for spiritual enlightenment through rap even today. To borrow a phrase, that’s the way it goes, I guess.
Puff Daddy/P. Diddy Puffy is a weak name. The word itself implies something that is distended and bloated, which in relation to his ego makes it a perfect name for him. However, it is by no means tough or even remotely intimidating. So when Puff Daddy decided it was time for a change he went with… P. Diddy? While his name change was an admitted intentional attempt to distance himself from any criminal image he had developed, I ask again: P. Diddy? It’s a good thing Christopher Wallace didn’t live to see such ridiculousness.
Silkk the Shocker Zyshonne Miller had so many options when he chose his rap moniker. Z-Money, Z-Mill or any other “z” followed by a hyphen and a reference to cash would have sufficed. Originally he was just Silk, but he added another “k” and “The Shocker” to his name after a R&B group claimed they had the name Silk before he did. For his sake, here’s hoping there isn’t another R&B group out there called Silkk. Something about Silk with three “k’s” doesn’t seem a good fit for him.
Snow His name is Snow, and he’s white. Get it? This Canadian with an identity crisis brought us the Jamaican-flavored Informer in 1993. The title of that album? “Twelve Inches of Snow.” Impressed? You should be. I suppose we are to derive from that title that not only is Snow able to rap like a Jamaican, but he’s hung like one too. Remarkably, Snow has a greatest hits CD out as well. Time to drop the dime on this informer – you had one hit. Your greatest hits album should not be plural and is best released as a single.
The Black-Eyed Peas If you insist on being named after a vegetable, why not go with The Squash Crew or perhaps Da Brock Lee Posse. A pea is so tiny and insignificant. I get the cultural reference, but seriously- Black Eyed Peas? However, it’s worth noting that despite the name, they have sprouted into one of hip-hop’s biggest mainstream acts thanks to the watered-down music they produce. The previous sentence was brought to you by Big Pun.
Tim Dog A talentless hack that capitalized on the shock value of songs like "Fuck Compton" in the early stages of gangsta rap, Tim Dog made a bit of a name for himself. Too bad that name was Tim Dog. Born Tim Blair, it figures that this halfwit was unable to come up with anything better than Tim Dog. It is also worth noting that he did come with one of the most hilarious threats ever laid down on a rap song when he stated in Fuck Compton, “I'll wax you, tax you, I'll just fax you.” Wax me, tax me, but dear God, please don’t fax me.
Vanilla Ice As lame as the name Vanilla Ice is, it could have been worse - MC Van Winkle anyone? Still, on behalf of white guys everywhere, this guy really dropped the ball. Fortunately years later Eminem came by, picked up it up and dribbled it around like Pistol Pete Maravich. Unfortunately, next up was Bubba Sparxxx. He took the ball and turned it over right away. Just further proof that both basketball and rapping are best left alone by the white man.
MC Ren, Lil Bow Wow, and Powder P (of Bone Thugs fame) definately need an honorable mention....
RFK
Not So much Pussy But
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Posted: 7/19/2005 9:39:02 AM
Shaq Fu??? I mean come on buddy... even though you shouldn't be rapping in the first place, if you are gonna rap, get a name that is more original than some rip off name from Wu Tang.
Jack
any name with lil
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Posted: 7/19/2005 9:55:56 AM
Lil Bow wow, Lil Wayne, Lil Cease, Lil Romeo. When did throwing lil' in front of your name become cool. Lil' is the worst thing to happen to rapper names since misspelling.
Toughest rap name: Three 6 Mafia. Satan and the mob unite!!!
bryan
YEEEEEEYAAAAAHHH
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Posted: 7/19/2005 10:02:08 AM
What about lil John? Sounds like a small toilet. HAAWHAAAAT? I said it sounds like a small toilet.
kyle
Enter the WU
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Posted: 7/19/2005 10:40:59 AM
The RZA, The GZA, and the Ol' Dirty BZA (rest in peace, of course)
Poppa
But you forgot....
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Posted: 7/19/2005 10:46:14 AM
Jadakiss, Big Pun, Nelly, Pastor Troy, Juvenile, Big Baby Jesus, Mystikal, The Neptunes, Fabolous, Too Short, Timbaland & Magoo, Project Pat, Coolio, Fugees, Bizzy Bone, Kriss Kross, 69 Boys, 2 Unlimited, and the Fresh Prince.
Paul
Lets not forget...
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Posted: 7/19/2005 10:50:12 AM
... 50cent! I mean come on dude, if you choose to name yourself after an amount of money, choose something B!G like "1million bucks" or "thousand dollar bill" - which would be even cooler if the name on his I.D. was Bill, mwaha that`s genious!
cheers
slap yo favorite artist
list additions
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Posted: 7/19/2005 11:21:52 AM
Young Black Teenagers da youngstas lil whyte mc hammer quo question mark asylum juicy J lil scappy pretty ricky nelly (which is slang for a femine man from back in the day) lil keke lil flip mike jones (cause his rhymes are a boring and ordinary as his name)
slap yo favorite artist
wrong
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Posted: 7/19/2005 11:26:27 AM
50 cent stole his name from an infamous new york drug lord so that can stand. but he still wack though.
Too Short played on his on short comings no pun intended.
Boomin' Granny
rhymes are as boring and ordinary as his name?
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Posted: 7/19/2005 11:31:11 AM
Who? Mike Jones!! Who? Mike Jones!! Who? Mike Jones!! 2 8 1, 3 3 oh, eight zero zero fo' baby, geah!
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