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Stupid people come in all shapes and sizes (mostly fat), but that's not the only difference among them. There is a wide variety of stupid that walks among us everyday. From the kind that makes you feel a lot better about your mediocre SAT score to the kind that make you feel like Steven Hawking every time you properly use an adjective, stupidity knows many different forms. It's time to take a closer look at just what those forms are.
In this edition of Dissections we will be examining the morons, idiots and retards that drive the rest of us insane. Then you'll get your chance to chime in below and round out this column with all the other types of stupid I was too dumb to think of.
Religious Stupid
Definition: People who eschew facts, science, and empirical evidence about the world around them, and instead choose to believe things based on ancient books, self-proclaimed prophets, feelings, or nothing at all.
Things they say: "The Earth is 6,000 years old." "Allahu Akbar," before blowing themselves up in a crowd. "Evolution is just a theory." "First, I'd like to thank God for allowing us to win this game." "God hates fags."
First of all, I'm not saying all religious people are stupid. Statistically speaking, there have to be some smart people who are religious. I'm also not dumb enough to say that just because the Bible has some factual inaccuracies that it means there is no God. However, ignoring hard facts that don't fit into your narrow worldview is a really stupid thing to do. Take for example Christian Scientists that refuse medical care for themselves and their children, instead opting for a "Christian Scientist practitioner" to heal them. That's just dumb. Or maybe it's Darwinism. I don't hear about these people refusing to drive, choosing instead to pray for God to miracle them to the store. Why is some technology okay, but other things not okay? And just because you can't explain or understand something like evolution, doesn't mean that God did it. More likely, it means you are stupid.
Hot Girl Stupid
Definition: Hot women that, if born average looking, would have gotten an education and become contributing members of society instead shun all educational ambitions for the pursuit of material possessions from wealthy men, and become retarded shells of a people.
Things they say: "I don't know?" "What kind of car do you drive?" "Is tuna chicken or fish?" "Get away from me!"
Female hotness likely cuts into this country's GDP by at least $100 million per year. When hot women marry rich guys, it depletes the purchasing power of our society's elite as they spend funds on depreciating, foreign made, luxury items given as gifts in exchange for affection and pussy from women who wouldn't have talked to them in high school. Years later, after a decade or so of prescription drug and alcohol abuse, the formerly-Hot Stupid Girls who weren't lucky enough to cash in big when their rich husbands divorced them for a newer model, latch on to a new sugar daddy- social programs, and live out the remainder of their miserable existences on our dime.
The Culturally Stupid
Definition: Foreign-born residents and tourists who, while willfully entering another country, refuse to adopt and/or obey the customs, laws, and social norms of the country.
Things they say: Things in other languages "We saved your ass in World War 2!"
If I were in Tehran right now everyone would think I was an idiot. I can only imagine the hundreds of offenses I would commit against their culture just by being myself. That said, if that's where I wanted to live (and why not?), I would be sure to immerse myself in their culture as soon as possible to eliminate as many of these habits as I could. When in Rome, as they say. Now, I'm not some bigot who gets pissed when the clerk at the gas station speaks with an accent. It's when that same clerk smells like a favela latrine, and, apparently, still wipes his ass with his left hand. We should have some basic rules that are not negotiable when seeking entry: shower at least three times week and preferably every day, do not cut in line, drive at or above the speed limit, know English well enough to read road signs at speed. That's not too much to ask. I know there is a huge population of rednecks who don't follow those rules, but at least they have the courtesy to stay out of major cities.
This also applies to Americans visiting or living in other countries. Our foreign policy isn't the only reason people in other countries hate us. It's one thing to act like an asshole at home, but try not to be an ignorant fool when visiting other people's countries.
Fucking Retards
Definition: A person who is without any physical damage or genetic disorder, but is mentally defective. (Not to be confused with people who are actually retarded. Most real retards are smart enough to know they are retarded. Fucking retards have no idea they are stupid.)
Things they say: "Git 'r done." "I'm just keepin' it real." "I'm not good at math." "Did you watch Idol last night?"
The most common class of stupid, this person is basically just an idiot. Maybe they were dropped on their head when they were a baby, raised by deaf mutes or more likely inherited the gene from their fucking retarded parents. You will never know, because if you ask them why they are so goddamned stupid, all you'll get in reply is a shrug and a dopey, "Huh?" Then they will stare through you and go back to imagining a cartoon jack-in-the-box.
Illiterate Stupid
Definition: A person who cannot read or write.
Things that they say: "I can't read." "I don't read." "What does that say?"
Since it's impossible to offend the illiterate in a written column, I'm going to unleash on them here. What the fuck is wrong with you?! How is it possible that there are nearly three million of you in the United States? Why did the state give you a fucking driver's license? Look, I'm not talking about the illiterate people in Third World countries that have never had the opportunity to learn to read or write. I have sympathy for them. But to those that were born and raised in this country and never thought it was important enough to take the time to learn to read or write, you should be rounded up by the lure of federally sponsored ice cream trucks, dropped off at one of the many abandoned drive-in theatres across our great land and treated to non-stop Bugs Bunny cartoons until you eventually die from forgetting to eat.
Socially Retarded
Definition: A person, who through his or her actions, appears to think they are the only person on the planet.
Things they don't say: "I'm sorry." Because they don't give a fuck about you.
These are the people that interrupt the flow of society in every way possible. They are the ones that slow down for an accident on the other side of the freeway, can't for the life of them figure out the self-checkout line, but insist on using it anyway. Or the ones that remain seated at their table in a busy restaurant for two hours after their meal, oblivious to everyone around them. Basically, they are the ones we all hate the most because they have a direct effect on us by slowing down our lives. Violence is the only proven way to effectively deal with these people, so be sure to keep that in mind the next time you encounter a social retard.
Old People Stupid
Definition: An older person who stopped paying attention twenty years ago.
Things they say: "Can I write a check?" "Colored boy" "Internets"
Simple things like working a computer or operating a motor vehicle present the utmost challenge to this class of stupid. Look, I understand that technology moved a lot faster than you were prepared to deal with, but fuck. Is it really that hard to swipe your credit card at the check out? There is simply no reason to write a check at the grocery store. Get a check card or stop at the ATM. These are the same idiots who are terrified that their identity will get stolen if they buy something from Amazon.com, yet they gladly take an extra ten minutes at the check out line to hand a stranger a piece of paper with their name, address, signature, phone number, bank account number, and in most cases Driver's License number on it. Idiots.
It would be one thing if all old people were this stupid, but there are a fair amount of ninety-year-olds out there that have no problems functioning in modern society. That's why it is inexcusable for a sixty-nine-year-old man to be incapable of understanding what to do when he comes across a yield sign. Just hurry up and die so you stop depleting my Social Security, asshole.
Fat & Stupid
Definition: A person who-knowing that their health, job prospects, relationships, and place in society all suffer due to their obesity-continue to overeat.
Things they say: "Can I have two Cinnibons with extra frosting." "Are there free refills on this 64oz Coke." "I have a slow metabolism." "Mmmmmm."
Yeah, yeah, I know some people are born with shitty metabolisms and whatnot, but honestly, once you realize that you fall into that camp, put the Twinkies away. We're all born with our limitations, and we learn to live with them. I wish I was born looking like George Clooney, but when I realized I wasn't, I stopped trying to fuck supermodels. I want to fuck supermodels just as much as fat fucks want to eat another tub of ice cream, but I know if I do, it's called rape. And when some fat fuck continues to eat too much, that's called stupid. It's not a coincidence that most fat people are stupid. It's one thing to be overweight by a bit, but once you reach morbidly obese, we all know you're a complete idiot. And don't get me started on their driving. While they have heavy feet in a literal sense, this does not translate when they're behind the wheel. Slow moving and slower witted, the fat are one of the worst kinds of stupid.
Ignorance may be bliss- for the morons among us. For the rest of us, ignorance is simply nuisance. A great, big, frustrating, anger-inducing, red-seeing, nun-assaulting, homeless-murdering bother that is multiplying at an alarming rate and will eventually take over every last person on earth. But hey, at least then we can all be blissful.
Posts: 1069 Rank: 20 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 1/2/2007 9:59:29 AM
this analogy was beautiful: "I want to fuck supermodels just as much as fat fucks want to eat another tub of ice cream, but I know if I do, it's called rape. And when some fat fuck continues to eat too much, that's called stupid."
oh, and last night, in an effort to prevent hemorhaging, i actually cracked open a beer i was waiting in line to pay for at the grocery store after 2 groups of stupid (not particularly old) paid by check in the express lane and didnt bother to begin the check writing process until after they were told the total.. i mean jesus fucking christ, you can at least write out who you are paying on it as you wait.. it's on a big fucking sign right when you walked in the door.
Posts: 2245 Rank: 19 Joined:
12/8/2006
Location:
Long Island, NY
Posted: 1/2/2007 10:01:07 AM
Definition: Any of the Has-Been Athletes or Never-Was Wannabes that work for ESPN.
Things they Say: "Booya!" "Cooler than the other side of the pillow!" "Say hello to my little friend!" "Rumblin, stumblin, bumblin..." "Daylight come and you gotta Delhomme!" "The baseball season is now 3 games old and the Yankees are 0-3. They will not make the playoffs, fact or fiction?" "Has anyone seen my crack pipe?" etc........
This type of stupid congregates in Bristol, Connecticut. They are usually found uttering stupid catch phrases, speaking the latest "black" talk, or staring at the camera with their creepy glass eye (damn you Stuart Scott). When not engaging in these activities, they can usually be found making half-assed, non fact-based predictions, that are seldom right and never accounted for (I've actually seen Sean Salisburysteak go on two different shows and predict two different winners for the same game). Michael Irvin can get caught with 3 crack pipes, 12 firearms, 5 transvestite-hookers, and enough yaiyo to get The People's Republic of China high (all while blowing T.O. and everything Cowboys-related) and he'd still be considered a viable member of this group.
Posts: 30 Rank: 115 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Chicago, IL
Posted: 1/2/2007 10:07:05 AM
Normally made up of the either girls that are not quite hot enough to get a rich man and kids straight of college. This is America, everyone deserves a Louis Vuiton purse and the ability to go out every night drinking $10 martini's. Don't let the fact that you don't actually have the money or the prospect of getting it in the next five years stop you from getting as much stuff as possible. This is America, we need to spend, spend, spend in order to save the economy. Yeah that won't come back to haunt us.
Fat and stupid has been taking a real hit with this biggest loser show lately. I used to think fat people were fat b/c they couldnt help it but after seeing this dude on Larry King after losing 270# (two of me) I have changed my mind. But that makes me wonder where the other 3 yards of skin went? Do you think it was pooled up ink the floor behind the desk?
As for the ESPN stupid I wish I could give you more than a +, Kudos!
Posts: 47 Rank: 75 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Naptown, IN
Posted: 1/2/2007 11:47:59 AM
Easily spotted due to flamboyant plumage (pin-stripe suit, Mont Blanc pen). Typically walking from desk to desk or playing on-line golf. Endowed with a huge sense of entitlement derived from semi-successful father. Similar to the "Fucking Retard" familia in that he lacks any cognizance of his own stupidity. Often overheard saying: "Yeah, Tahoe's great." "It's fucking Grey Goose or nothing." "I got a guy." "I have no idea how that happened. I'll have someone look into it."
Posts: 26 Rank: 178 Joined:
12/15/2006
Location:
Chicago, IL
Posted: 1/2/2007 11:54:31 AM
An aggrivating factor to Old People Stupid is Old Foreign People Stupid. I don't know where these people come from but I can count multiple times when I was in line at the grocery store when Old Foreign Stupid doesn't like the price that rings up for whatever they're trying to buy.
So you didn't check the price first? Stupid. Then they get the idea that they can haggle for a better price. Double stupid. No, Vladislav, the checkout girl is not empowered to cut you a better deal on ginger root just because you can get it cheaper back in Bulgaria.
And a question: Global Warming Deniers. They're kind of like Holocaust Deniers. So do they qualify as Religious Stupid or just Fucking Retarded? Or is it Religious Stupid if you say it and Fucking Retarded if you believe it when someone else says so?
Posts: 49 Rank: 72 Joined:
10/21/2005
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 1/2/2007 12:00:41 PM
I think they only fall in the Religious Stupid category if they claim God told them there's no global warming, or that God will take care of it. Otherwise they fall into their own category. That would be my vote.
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