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It is a well-known and proven fact that alcohol is usually a great resource to turn to when things are or are not going your way. An ice cold stream of booze trickling down the back of your throat can help you celebrate life's great accomplishments. The same trickling stream can help bury away any of life's pitfalls and failures.
This leads us to a tragic problem. Alcohol can tend to cost you a lot of money as it is used for both celebration, consolation, and everything in between. While females tend to have less trouble acquiring the prized refreshment for minimal cost, males find themselves in a world where they must usually foot the expense for this multi-purpose beverage. The price steadily piles over time.
However, there are ways that males can avoid the financial crunch that is brought on by liver-pulverizing alcoholism, short of having a sex change operation. The following is a sure-fire strategy that any guy can use to destroy the gender-based system of alcohol financing inequality. This is how we level the playing field. Cheers, my friend; it's time to drink at the bar for free!
Sympathy is a human weakness that must be drawn out slowly and tortured mercilessly until all benefits are extracted. Your road to drinking for free begins with the construction of a simple photo album. Browse the internet to find pictures of a fictitious wife and two adorable children that could possibly pass as your own. Fill this new album with multiple pictures that detail a beautiful and seemingly perfect life with this family.
TIP: Use a Photoshop program to edit photos of families doing fun things. Just paste your face along with your fake family's faces on pictures of people riding roller coasters, climbing trees at picnics, and blowing out birthday candles. Remember to make it look like your fake family is having assloads of fun.
Next, take some pictures of your fake family to someone who specializes in air-brushing t-shirts. Explain to the airbrush professional that you would like a t-shirt designed with your face and the faces of the pictured family on it. Insist that the airbrush professional sprays some glowing halos and angel wings on your fake wife and children. It is recommended that the background of the shirt should probably have some clouds or a setting sun. On the back of the t-shirt, explain that you would like to have the following text printed in a beautiful cursive script.
"May daddy's little angels rest in peace and swim on the gleaming shores of heaven. I will carry on with pride and perseverance, because I'm an American� and America is totally awesome!"
The rest is easy. Head to the bar wearing your new digs and carrying your fake photo album underneath your arm.
TIP: You probably want to cut onions or hold your breath for a really long time in order to get your eyes nice and red before you enter the bar.
Once you arrive at the bar, sit on a stool and fake cry your eyes out. If anyone asks you what actually happened to your wife and kids, simply refer to it as "the accident," and push the photo album in front of their face. The less you actually explain� the better. If no one approaches you, take your photo album around the bar and ask sensitive-looking people if they would like to see your deceased family.
Follow it up with the killer statement, "Boy, am I devastated� and thirsty."
The free drinks should start pouring your way as word of your strife spreads around the bar. Be sure to say things like, "God bless you," and "You really shouldn't have� but I'll take a double if you want to help me heal some more," whenever someone purchases a drink for you.
Soon, your brain cells will become depleted, but your wallet never will.
Sounds like a winner, but I can't dedicate my time to scrapbooking.
Look, all you need to do is go to a bar and order as many drinks as you like. When your time has come to leave, order one last drink. drink half of it and let someone know you are going to the bathroom and to watch your drink & seat while you are gone. Bolt. its just that easy.
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