Here’s the thing: I was drunk, but I thought I had slickly slipped away without being detected. Unfortunately for me, Tucker must have some kind of sixth sense for weakness. He knew I was in the bathroom trying to fight off undrinking 10 hours of free beer. So he pulled me out of the bathroom, followed me outside, and then took pictures with his phone of me spilling expensive German beer on the sidewalk. Then he posted them on his website… Thanks, dick.
My favorite part of the story is that when I came back inside, the bartender broad told me that next time I should “let her know” so they could clean up the bathroom. I gave her a confused look and walked back to our table. But even in my condition, I couldn’t help but think, “this bitch must be joking.” First of all, I didn’t throw up in the bathroom. Second of all, pour another beer you dumb harlot. If I throw up in your bathroom, you’ll find it the same way everyone else does: by getting your head snapped back by the heavyweight jab that is the pungent aroma of liquor, bile and half-digested food.
Anyway…
Before meeting him, I had run across Tucker’s site a several times over the years when friends would forward links to his stories to me. I enjoyed them, but I always assumed that it was just a guy taking advantage of the anonymity offered by the internet to embellish his life enough to make it interesting. Even the name Tucker Max sounds made up.
Now, having met him, I stand corrected. Tucker is for real, but maybe not exactly what you’d expect. He is crass and cocky to be sure, but he's also sharp and deliberate. It's an odd mix of ridiculous college fuckup and smartest guy in the room. That's what makes him and his life interesting. It would be easy to dismiss his stories as the often-hilarious ruminations of stupid frat guy 10 years past his prime if he wasn't so smart or such a good writer.
The truth is he's more than just another guy who claims to unapologetically live by his own rules; they are a dime a dozen. The difference is he isn't lying, and that is all too rare.
The Phat Phree: I have no idea how to do an interview. You cool with that?
Tucker Max: You don't know how to drink either, and I managed that quite well. I think we'll be fine.
TPP: Fuck off. So how, exactly, does a graduate of the University of Chicago and Duke Law School end up telling stories about his drunken misadventures and sexual exploits for a living? Shouldn’t you be making millions exploiting legal loopholes for some faceless corporation?
TM: I could be doing that, but then I'd also have a $1000 a day coke and hooker habit and beat my wife and kids in the Hamptons on the weekends that I see them. This way, I only punish my liver, and what good is a liver if you don't abuse it?
TPP: I worked with your editor (for the book), Jeremie Ruby-Strauss, when some of the Phat Phree writers contributed to the “Save Toby” book. Why does he have a hyphenated last name? I thought that was reserved for “empowered” women who wear slacks to work, and marry pussies who are cool with it when she decides his name isn’t good enough for her.
TM: I KNOW--I dogged him about this for like a year. I think it's because he's from northern California; they think that shit is normal up there. He probably grew up knitting Alpaca sweaters and protesting against "blood diamonds" outside of the local Zales. People who care about things are funny.
TPP: So you are a goddamned New York Times Best Selling author now, congratulations. I know you initially had some reservations about publishing your book traditionally rather than self-publishing and selling it from your site. Is making the Times List vindication for you on some level?
TM: I don't know. Two years ago, I would have said yes, but revenge is a funny thing. Once you get it, it seems hollow because you have moved past that on to more important battles. Revenge for the sake of revenge is petty and flawed; I try to think strategically instead of just emotionally. And I like to jack off in front of a mirror. It makes me feel sexy and loved.
TPP: We both know that voices like yours almost always get diluted in the process of making them more “accessible” for the mainstream. You’ve managed to avoid that to a large degree, but not without turning your back on a shit-ton of money. You walked away from a sitcom at NBC, and you turned down large advances at big publishing houses. If my math is correct that puts Pride above Greed on your list of favorite deadly sins- behind Lust, Gluttony, and Anger, of course. Have I got the order right?
TM: Right now, as I write this, I am drinking Beast Ice at a frat house at UVA; I don't even know what "Gluttony" means. Wait, I just drank like 10 beers in an hour, so maybe I do. You're such a pussy, I'll kick your ass, COME ON YOU FUCKING GUINEA BASTARD, I'LL KICK YOUR TEETH IN!
TPP: Let’s get back to the drinking and fucking before we lose everyone.
TM: Way ahead of you brother. No bullshit, I am about to have sex with a slightly overweight girl with huge tits in my RV. By "slightly overweight" I mean "I pray to god no one sees me leave with her."
TPP: Both of my favorite stories in your book take place in Texas: “The Austin Road Trip” (where you are running through the lobby of a hotel shitting yourself and kicking it up behind you like a mud drag racer), and “The Midland, Texas Story”. Have you considered moving there for the good of your writing?
TM: I actually did live in Austin for like three months. It was pretty cool, but that place is way too small for me. Within a month all the cops knew who I was. I need a larger canvas to apply my paint.
TPP: Now, you’ve had sex with a lot of women, and possibly one post-op transsexual. Being the guy who has sex with lots of girls is a big part of the Tucker Max in your stories. Do you have any desire to get married and have a family in the future?
TM: I can see myself getting married, but I have to meet the right woman. She has to be hot, fun, smart, willing to subvert her desires and interests to mine but not be obsequeous about it, be emotionally stable and a rock for me to lean on while not really asking much from me, and be willing to let me fuck other women while she stays true to me. In other news, I also want to buy a unicorn and a leprechan! And they can be best friends with my wife!
TPP: You just wrapped up your book tour. How did it go, and how many college girls are walking around with your swimmers on/in them?
TM: The book tour went great. I actually got sick of pussy. Put that sentence under the heading "Things I never thought I hear a heterosexual male say."
TPP: Speaking of ropey loads, when you are on your third or forth session with a woman in one night do you ever pull a dribbler- you know, one of those unsatisfying cum shots that just drips out like a slow leak in a waterbed mattress?
TM: Of course. Who do you think I am, Peter North?
I’m sure the readers wish I had some more questions, but frankly, having read most of your site and your book, I know more about you than my own family. And that is getting uncomfortable. As you are fond of saying, you are sweet, but you aren’t that sweet. It’s time for the Phat 5 questions:
1. Greatest human invention: Beer or Vagina?
Humans invented vagina? I took a bit of biology and I don't remember that.
2. Who was the best Iron Chef?
Is it possible to answer anything other than Morimoto? (edit: Yes, actually. Nobu not withstanding, Iron Chef Sakai defeated Morimoto in the King of Tetsujin Tournament- with Sakai earning the perfect score of 100. Morimoto also lost a battle to Bobby Fucking Flay. Come on Tucker, you should know this.)
3. What’s the worst way to die?
As a failure.
4. The Bible: true or false?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I am big fan of rigorous, empirical thinking. What do you think my answer is?
5. What’s the best Mortal Kombat fatality?
I just liked it when the computer would get fired up at you, and yell "FINISH HIM!" It was all anti-climatic after that.
To read Tucker's hysterical stories, check out his website: TuckerMax.com.
3rd or 4th is nothing but blanks.. (assuming i haven't passed out after #2)
Joe Kickass
Big Fan
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Posted: 3/6/2006 1:43:30 PM
Huge fan of Tucker, been reading his shit for a while (even better that some of the stories happen in my hometown).
4th load is either a cloud of dust, or a little flag comes out that says "Bang!", like the guns in Looney Toons.
oh
jeez
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Posted: 3/6/2006 3:50:38 PM
Tucker Max blows. What a d-bag.
Christine
Tpp interviews
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Posted: 3/6/2006 3:59:34 PM
Are fucking genius!!! I almost never know the person who is being interviewed, but by the end, I feel I somehow know them better than their mothers. And I am not wrong about this.
Great job Charlie!!!
4th and 5th load images are really graphic guys. .. thanks!
Shit Blaster
Shit Blaster
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Posted: 3/6/2006 5:07:02 PM
I figure if you still can go after the 3rd you might as well flip em over and have an O ring party.
Other than that no way anything other than piss is comin outa there!
Mack
Charlie-sized Man Crush
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Posted: 3/6/2006 6:00:22 PM
Wow, this may be a prime example of a time when having physical evidence of a guy actually ends up paying off: DeMarco suddenly turned into one helluva slo-pitch softball hurler.
Max has found his niche market, I guess. He's definitely a polarizing writer. I'm just a tad disappointed (but not too surprised) that he received such kudos to further stroke his [ego]. But hey, it's working for the kid. Good for him.
JMT
Softballs is right
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Posted: 3/6/2006 7:09:58 PM
Tucker Max is to Charlie, is what Charlie is to Steve Kiley.
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TM: I could be doing that, but then I'd also have a $1000 a day coke and hooker habit and beat my wife and kids in the Hamptons on the weekends that I see them. This way, I only punish my liver, and what good is a liver if you don't abuse it? 
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