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We should have smoked these freaks.
Dear Body,
I can’t tell you how profoundly disappointed I am in you. I know that I have neglected you a little over the past few years, but I’ve been really busy. And let’s not pretend that you aren’t just a little bit responsible for that. We both know that if you had been a few inches taller and more than average athletically, we might be playing professional ball, and then we wouldn’t have to sit at a computer all day. Not to mention all the pussy we’d be getting. That crushed dream is on you, pal.
Either way, two years of inactivity is no excuse for the excruciating pain you are putting me through. It was only five half-court basketball games. It’s not like I went out and ran a fucking marathon. And by the way, you were a total embarrassment out there. You air-balled a wide-open fifteen-footer, and couldn’t make a lay-up to save a drowning baby. Inexcusable. You made an ass out of both of us.
I thought the shame was punishment enough, but when I woke up this morning I felt like I’d gotten the shit kicked out of me by a gorilla. Even my taint is sore. I didn’t even know there were muscles in the taint. If you think this is going to motivate me to take better care of you and exercise more often, you’re fuckin crazy. I may never set foot outside the apartment again.
I even stretched before and after the games. And I’m not talking about just the manly stretches either- pushing on the pole, jumping up and down, cracking the neck. I actually sat down and stretched my hamstrings and everything. I felt like a real homo, but I did that for you.
That’s why I don’t understand why you are doing this to me. My abs are so sore that my eyes were welling up when I tried to push out a turd this morning. That’s ridiculous.
I think I’ve been pretty understanding with you over the years. I don’t even hold it against you that I can’t connect my mustache to my beard. You ever think maybe I wanted to grow a goatee? Well that ship has sailed. I’m almost 29 years old; it’s a little late to start fucking around with facial hair now.
But look, I’m willing to forgive and forget if you just give me one comfortable position to sleep in tonight.
Given the penis article, I was expecting you to mention how your longevity is affecting your long entity; sort of relieved that the taint was the closest it got.
Tom A: please tell me about the chick in the first pic.
deuce
great stuff
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Post #: 3
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Posted: 6/21/2006 6:53:08 AM
i write this letter every morning..
by the way, what do you say when you drive up to the "playground" 8am saturday morning, rub the sleep from your eyes, and find "beaker" & "bing-a-ling" (up there in the pic) all tied up at 20??? that pic is and always will be one of the great internet gems..
nice job, demarco...
Jus
Totally not surprised
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Posted: 6/21/2006 6:53:10 AM
When Charlie, Tucker, M Thomas L, and Pat said they were going to go hoop it up while we were sitting around playing poker I thought surely Charlie and his two pack a day smoking habbit were speaking purely in jest to try to get those other pussies to bet into him. Maybe he lost a side pot that I didn't know about. Shit Pat plays soccer with Mexicans every weekend so you know he's in good shape. And sure Tucker drinks like my ass at an enema party, but the guy did go to school on a hoops scholarship. L is just fucking nuts. I once saw him elbow a nun to get his communion wafer sooner. So I guess you and your body had it coming Chaz. Not that I can talk since my exercise for the week consisted of 17 twelve ounce curls and getting winded after bringing a 3 lbs of cat food up to my second story apartment (and yes I rode the elevator). Regardless, good stuff!
Brenda Della Casa
Hmmm
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Posted: 6/21/2006 7:36:47 AM
don’t even hold it against you that I can’t connect my mustache to my beard. You ever think maybe I wanted to grow a goatee? Well that ship has sailed. I’m almost 29 years old; it’s a little late to start fucking around with facial hair now.
Awesome.
cubby
well done.
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Posted: 6/21/2006 7:57:03 AM
facial hair bit especially.
s
brill
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Post #: 7
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Posted: 6/21/2006 9:01:06 AM
pushing on the pole, jumping up and down, and cracking the neck...
why is that the standard regimen for every couch commando who drives to whatever afternoon sporting event to choke up 2 packs and a few sixers after 15 minutes of movement? *** the playground half-court is the only place demarco doesn't bring his a-game, 'cause this is another slam.
god i hate writers who are hilarious all the time. somebody kick him in the sore ribs...
Patrick M
solid
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Posted: 6/21/2006 9:03:09 AM
I never thought that transformation would start before hitting 30, but I share your pain. You know what comes next, right? The standard physical at 35 and the unexpected digital rape. (The sound of the "snap" of the surgical gloves around the wrist now makes me shiver.) Cheers.
Patrick M
and...
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Posted: 6/21/2006 9:04:15 AM
Don't make my mistake of scheduling that physical well in advance of your 35th "just to make sure". Now you know what happens...
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