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Cooking is easy enough for an old dummy.
First of all, you’ll need some supplies, and you’ll need to get rid of some things. Foreman grill = gone. Eggbeaters = gone. Olive oil cooking spray = gone. What are you? Gay? That stuff should have never been in your kitchen in the first place. Your kitchen should be a palace of manhood stocked with real butter, sugar, whole milk and season salt. Fat free substitutes of any kind make you a 16-year-old girl that can’t stand the smell of her own queefs.
You are a man, and damn it, it’s time to start living like one. So what if you eat a Ding Dong or two every now and then? That’s what your Saturday afternoon paintball league is for. Plus, they say laughing burns calories too; that’s why you read The Phat Phree every morning for your first three hours at work. You don’t need some woman to cook for you. Men have been culinary kings since the first spear was crafted, rammed into a prehistoric lizard's throat, and then cooked on a rock that had been sitting in the sun. Do you think some woman was out there chasing down food? No, she was picking fruit and weaving baskets, while we were wrestling a water buffalo.
So put down the cottage cheese and pears. throw away those Hungry Man pot pies. Stop dating that hog you picked up at TGI Fridays just because she makes good meatloaf. From now on, you’re gonna cook and eat like a real man and we’re here to help with this handy-dandy beginners guide to Phat Phree cooking for men.
Let’s start with
The Appetizers
Personally, I like to get the healthy stuff out of the way so I try to fit my vegetables in before the good food. Try these recipes to get things going like a Barry White record at a swinger's ball.
No So Phat Phree Salad Combine enough iceberg and romaine lettuce to thinly cover the bottom of a large wooden bowl. Add one stalk of celery, and one carrot. Then fry one pound of thick-cut farmer’s bacon. You can add some canned tomato if you’d like. Crumble into salad. Then cook 2 lbs of 26% fat ground beef in the bacon grease. Crumble that into the salad too. Add 2 cups shredded Velveeta while the meat is still hot. Then add 1 cup crumbled blue cheese and four whole boiled eggs. Add 2 full 16 ounce bottles of Hidden Valley Ranch. Toss. Top with 2 dozen powdered Dunkin Donut holes instead of croutons (use regular cake donut holes for a healthy alternative). And serve for a light starter to your main meal.
Artichoking Your Chicken Dip One can of quartered artichoke hearts. One cup Kraft Parmesan cheese. One cup Hellman’s mayonnaise (or Best Foods if you live on the West Coast, where apparently cowboys were afraid of the Jewish name so it was re-branded everywhere west of the Mississippi. Kinda like Carl’s Jr. is just the West Coast version of Hardee’s, although Hardee’s doesn’t sound very Jewish to me. Maybe some dude named Hardee persecuted the Mormons or something. Either way you can still get the Six-Dollar Burger that actually costs six dollars now, at either.
Personally I like the Jalapeno Six-Dollar Burger, though the crunching sound it makes when I eat it is nothing like the commercial. It’s more of gushy kind of sound as all the Jalapenos mush themselves into the bottom of that paper wrapper they use to keep the sandwich in one piece. And of course the gooey sauce isn’t streaming out of my mouth like Paris Hilton drooling cum in that home movie she made. Instead it is falling off my lip in clumps down the front of the brand new Geoffrey Beene button down I just got from Penny’s.
(And by the way, they call them Thickburgers at Hardee’s, for you East Coasters.)
Mix ingredients together and microwave for 2 minutes or until bubbly hot. Serve over Quaker Steak and Lube Golden Garlic wings.
Soups What man can resist a good hearty soup? Here are two of my favorite recipes to help get you through the cold winter months.
Mr. Miyagi’s Reseda Soup Bring four cups of water to a boil. Add two packages of Maruchan shrimp flavored Ramen. Then and two cups of Kroger frozen mixed vegetables. Let simmer for 2 minutes. Then add three packages Carl Buddig processed and pressed pastrami cut into squares. Simmer another minute. Remove from heat. Add season packets, a shot of Maker’s Mark, two tablespoons of Dave’s Gourmet Insanity Sauce, then season to taste. Serve hot, or microwave leftovers for a great late-night snack.
15 Bean Andouille Sunday Chowder Soak a package of dry ACME 15 bean combo in 2 quarts of water overnight. At the same time, dig a hole in the backyard and light some coals. Kill and bleed your best pig then bury it in the ground overnight with the hot coals. Make sure you place a flag in it, because nothing is worse than the delicious smell of roast pork emanating from the ground with no way to find it because the 23 PBRs you drank the night before made you feel like you were more confused than trying to re-edit "Memento" to go in chronological order. (Visit this link for specific instructions if you’re not man enough to figure it out.)
In the morning, drain the beans add 4 quarts fresh water, 4 cans tomato sauce (any size), a bag of potatoes, maybe some veggies if you are gay, and a container of Mrs. Dash.
Now unbury your pig and make pre-cooked sausage out of whatever you don’t sink you teeth into right then and there. I can’t tell you exactly how to do that, but you are a man and damn it, you’ll figure it out. My guess is that it would involve those electric hedge clippers you have in the garage, some heavy cream, a couple dozen raw eggs, caraway seeds, and the Cusinart you have buried in the back cupboard with the other gifts you stole from your best friend's wedding. If you don’t have a Cusinart or blender of somekind, then pour 2 boxes of that hard leftover white rice from the Chinese place down the street that are sitting in the back of your fridge down the drain. Why do they give you white rice anyway, when all you ordered was the double size General Chang’s combination fried rice in the first place?
Everything tastes better with chunks of Bessie in it.
Turn on the disposal with the white rice in it. Then you can add your sausage ingredients and spices and scoop them out with a ladle. The rice will clog your drain long enough to use the disposal as an industrial-strength blender with only about 7% food loss. Pack the meat stuffs into the pig's intestines and then tie off into 8 inch pieces. Then simply remove the sink elbow and scoop out your bonus pork-infused rice pudding, so your sink is working again. Now back to the soup.
Add your homemade sausage while mashing the potatoes into the beans. Add anything else that is nearby that you think might be tasty and cook for the duration of the San Diego Chargers afternoon game. Then serve just as people are almost too drunk to walk home. This should soak up enough booze to kick them out of your house so you can beat off to Jillian Barberie’s post game wrap-up, smoke a bowl without sharing, and watch "The Simpsons" before the night game starts in peace.
Side Dishes Some people like to use rice as a side dish, but I prefer pasta myself. So try these two great side dishes.
Crunchy Pasta Heat one can of Chef Boyardee Beefaroni. Pour over nachos with some Pace spicy salsa. Serve hot as a side dish.
Homemade Manville Mac and Cheese Boil 2 quarts of water, which in Manville translation means 'finish off that pitcher of Kool Aid you left in the fridge with only 3 drops in it because it’s about the same size, then use it to measure the water'. Salt the water to taste with Lawry’s season salt. How you taste boiling water is something I’ve never quite understood, but Bobby Flay once said that once your mouth starts watering from the smell, it’s probably enough seasoning. Once water is boiling, add a bunch of dried minced onion and one box of bowtie pasta. Boil for ten minutes. Strain, but try not to lose all the onions. Then add three sticks of butter, enough garlic powder to make your whole apartment smell like Little Italy during the feast, some more Lawry’s season salt, 6 tablespoons Cremora combined with ¼ cup warm water or 1/3 cup milk (I use whichever one is quicker), a quarter block of government cheese or 15 individually wrapped slices of Borden Cheese, 3 teaspoons of oregano, and some dried parsley for color. Mix vigorously with a wooden spoon or a plastic spork and serve. If you are ever invited to your girlfriend’s parent’s for dinner and need to bring a casserole, I suggest using this recipe, replacing the bowties with wagon wheels.
Also, add 1 lb. of ground beef and a can of stewed tomatoes. Place in a casserole dish separating into three layers with more slices of cheese. Then bake at 350 degrees for 60 minutes and sprinkle the top with crushed sour cream and onion Pringles for your very own Johnny Marzetti casserole. This will send a clear message to her mom that her daughter had better be able to cook, or you’re never gonna commit and settle down. The dad will love you because he will have been eating the Lean Cuisine version of this instead of the real deal for the past eight years.
Vegetables
I know I said I like to get these out of the way in the appetizers, but there is one dish that is acceptable.
Green Beans Take two cans of cut green beans and combine them in a pot with one can of cream of mushroom soup. Heat and serve. You can make this as a casserole and add those French’s dried and fried onions to impress the ladies for the holidays. Or you can try my favorite by using two cans of mushroom soup and serving it over top of biscuits along side that left over sausage you made as a healthy twist on the classic Sausage Biscuits and gravy.
The Main Course
This is where is gets easy, guys. If you are a real man, you should only need a few things to make this happen. The primary ingredients will always be dead animal, season salt, and fire. It’s as easy as that. If it ain't red meat or deep fried, then it ain't a main course. So here are a few of my favorites.
Steak Hoist a cow up into the air breaking its hind legs. Slit throat and drain blood. Cut cow into delicious 16-oz pieces. (Visit www.askthemeatman.com for more info) Sprinkle with season salt. Place on fire. You’ll know when it’s done by the color of the smoke coming off of the fire. If not, you are a woman. For a great twist on this recipe, marinade the steak overnight in a ziplock bag with 1 bottle of Paul Newman’s Three Cheese Italian dressing, two tablespoons of Melinda’s carrot and habenero sauce, and 17 packets of Kikkoman Soy Sauce. Then during cooking, spray each steak with a few squirts of Ronsonol so they catch fire and sear in the flavor.
Burgers Use aforementioned garbage disposal or Quisinart to grind up all the leftover pieces of beef from your steak, leaving the tales, teeth, eyeballs, hoofs and other undesirable bits aside for later. Once you have about three pounds of meat, add that leftover container of salsa from the back of your fridge, unless when you open the container it looks like a miniature version of Dagoba, in which case skip to the next step. Then add one pack of dried French Onion soup. Then take whole garlic cloves and roll 1/3 lb of ground beef around them until all beef is in burger patties. Cook over an open fire or pan fry in an iron skillet with ½ cup Crisco. Serve on 3 week old Home Pride (again following Dagoba rule) with raw onion, miracle whip, catsup packets, Stadium Mustard, garlic stuffed olives, any lettuce you might have left over from that first recipe, pickled beets, packets of leftover Arby’s Horsy Sauce, and/or any one of the ten thousand other random condiments you have no idea why were purchased in the first place, and have been sitting in your fridge for the past three years. This is how a classic home burger should be made.
Chicken Cut coupon from center section of Sunday newspaper. Place coupon in pocket. Fill gas tank with 87 octane gas. (Anyone who actually pays extra for the premium is a fucking pussy. Good Detroit steel shouldn’t need some purified Evian gas.) Drive car to nearest KFC. Purchase bucket of chicken with 2 sides and biscuits. I go for the standard cole slaw (AKA wet white cabbage) and mashed potatoes, but if you are feeling adventurous, you may want to try the 4-day-old macaroni salad or the crusty hard baked beans. The mushy-yet-firm corn on the cob, however, is a total no-no.
Once home, open box of chicken and have fun with your friends trying to decipher what portion of the chicken these bizarre pieces of meat came from. The only cut of chicken that is more confusing is the one found in the Swanson’s Fried Chicken TV dinner.
Yoshinoya Beef Bowl version 1.0
Dessert
For most guys, this is also a fairly easy task since this is what we are eating most of the time anyway. Even when we think it’s a good thing. A Snickers Marathon bar is not healthy just because it has protein. A milkshake might have some calcium but, contrary to popular belief, it is still desert. And Doridoes are not considered grains and cereals just because they kind of look like a cracker. So even though most men don’t need help finding their way to the nearest Coldstone Creamery, here’s a delicious dessert that you probably have all the fixings for, right in your own kitchen.
Frozen Delight All you are gonna need is an ice tray, some milk, some tooth picks, and either a Hershey’s bar or some toll House morsels. But first off, remember all those left over parts of pork and beef that you didn’t use? Well, we need them now. Especially the tails, snouts, eyeballs, toenails and testicles. Grind them all up into almost a powdered-like gooey substance to create your own batch of gelatin. Then melt in chocolate and combine with milk. Pour into ice trays and freeze for 25 minutes. Then before completely frozen insert toothpicks into the center of each cube. Freeze overnight. In the morning you’ll have your very own Jello Pudding pops. I think Bill Cosby himself would come and draw some Picture Pages with you just to get a taste.
marry me Justin!!! Please, we would be so happy together.
Doosh
These pics are begging for a caption contest
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Posted: 7/24/2006 1:39:47 PM
Last pic
"Molly purging after getting crazy with the girls at Applebee's and having too many overpriced cosmopolitan's."
Jimmy Corvan
Very Well Done
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Posted: 7/24/2006 1:40:00 PM
Hilarious
goatlover
Bobby Flay
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Posted: 7/24/2006 1:40:01 PM
fucked those Japanese up during his first battle against Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto, when he jumped onto the counter after he finished. whilst standing on his cutting board he lead the crowd in chanting "U.S.A! U.S.A!" this American ass-kicking ritual grievously offended Morimoto and the rest of the pussy-ass Japanese contingent. unfortunately, Flay lost that battle, but a year later, he was afforded a rematch, which he ended up winning and as the final buzzer sounded, Flay jumped up and stood on the counter once again.
Flay - 2 Japanese cock-suckers - 0
I'mRickJamesBitch
That was
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Posted: 7/24/2006 5:02:19 PM
one of the foulest things I have ever read, here or any place else. I gave it 5 stars for being so far over the top.
Super Bowl party at Justin's crib! I'll bring the crack pipe and matches. Except, of course, that I'm dead.
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