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Goodbye, DST
What’s up, bitches? If you’re trying to contact me, don’t bother. You’re getting this “out of office” auto reply because I’ll be on vacation for the next few months and I can’t read e-mail in my work account. I hope that you're all enjoying your extra hour of sleep! I know that all of you bastard ingrates cursed me in April when you had to “Spring Forward” and set your clocks ahead by one hour. I hate that mnemonic, by the way. If I hear one more person screw it up and say “Spring Back, Fall Ahead,” I’m seriously going to stab somebody in the jugular with a ballpoint pen. Ever seen Pesci do that shit in Casino? If you think that I’m kidding, then step up, homie. Tequila makes me crazy!!!
Now what was I talking about? Oh, yeah! It must be SO hard to spend a night out with your idiot friends drinking a case of Milwaukee’s Best and then getting up a whole 60 minutes earlier to drive your crapmobile to your chic factory job, you redneck fucktards. But when that whistle blows and you have an extra hour of sunlight to eat fried Spam sandwiches and drink Beergaritas with your family on the porch of your trailer home, do you even bother thanking me? Hell no, you don’t! You use it as a conversation piece as you wonder out loud if it’s “getting dark later” or some such nonsense. It’s not getting dark later—it’s because of me! Where’s my props?
Now don’t get me wrong, here. I’ve got a pretty sweet gig—working only 6 months out of the year on a federal salary means that as we speak, I’m not doing shit and I’m getting paid. That’s right, cash-fucking-money! I’ve been drinking since breakfast, and I don’t even know what goddamn day it is… or where my hotel room key is, for that matter. Screw it! It’s not like I can’t get one of these skanks to take me back to their room tonight. The chicks in Cabo are CRAZY! They’re like fish in a damn barrel, and I’ve got my pistols pointed and ready to fire.
Can I borrow your pen for a minute?
So is anybody tired of Standard Time yet? Just wait! In a month or so, shit’s going to be dark as hell by the time you get off of work. That’s when everybody gets the so-called “Winter Blues” and acts like a bunch of assholes because it’s cold and dark all the time. That’s when I check out the weather report on my laptop from the beach and just laugh and laugh. Then I order another double and I fucking laugh some more. I’m gonna be getting tanked off of umbrella drinks and hanging out with swimsuit models while you’re stuck back in Bum Fuck, U.S.A. and scraping frost off of your windshield and slipping on ice in your driveway. You can have your precious hour of sleep. Ha ha ha!
Another double, and go easy on the ice!
If this is one of my “real” friends trying to e-mail me, then you know my cell number. Anybody else and I’ll be back in the office at 2am on March 11th, 2007. I’ll also be checking my MySpace a few times a week, so leave me a comment, or something. OK, I’m done with this shit. Tell that homo Standard Time that I said “What’s up” and that he still owes me money.
This message board doesn't accept links, and when you spell it out, I doubt people are going to cut and paste "uzujhuhp.com". ...Even with such an intriguing page name as "zdso.html".
Please stop crowding the comments section with your crap so you can make money by tricking stupid people into following your links. Douchebags.
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