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Ho, ho, yada, yada, blah, blah! Ol' Saint Nick here, and I'm not talking about the strip mall hobo whose lap you trustingly placed your child's hopes in. This is the real deal, baby! I got something to say, so listen up, and listen good.
Enough already with the f'n milk and cookies!
Seriously! I don't know where the rumor got started that Santa and the fucking cookie monster were one and the same, but it has to stop. Yes, I used to enjoy the occasional fudge stripe or maybe a soft batch here and there, but that was a different time. Truth be told, I'm diabetic.
There, I said it. Are you happy? I sure hope so, because it's all your damn fault! Back in 87, I was on my 7,429th helping of snickerdoodles, and went straight into a diabetic coma. I completely blacked out in some guy's condo in Norway. Had to get my stomach pumped and everything.
No Thank you!
I'm past all that now, though. I take pilates twice a week, and hip hop aerobics every other Tuesday. I throw down.
Then what to leave for Santa, you ask? Mike's Hard Lemonade! Sure, it's a pretty gay drink, but I like what I like. It beats the hell out of milk! I stop at over 6 billion houses in one night. That's 48 billion ounces of milk. Would you like your lips strapped to a cow's teet for an eighteen-hour shift? No thanks. A couple sixers of Mike's will do just fine.
And don't worry about me going all Nicole Richie on you and ramming my sled into your precious Buick LeSabre. Prancer has his hardship license and has gotten pretty decent at reading the GPS.
Let me tell you what you could do to really hook a Saint Nick'a up. Set out some of those nude photos you took of your wife during that ski trip to Aspen. Yeah, you know the ones. It's my only night away from the old lady, and I got a Christmas Miracle working in my pants. While you're all snuggled in with sugarplumbs dancing and blah, blah, Father Christmas will be rubbing one out on your Pottery Barn sofa. Just tell the kids that Santa spilled his nog. Fantastic!
One more thing. You people have to tell your kids to quit asking Santa for X Boxes, Playstations, and the likes. My elves aren't fucking Japanese gaming creators. They are mentally challenged dwarves that pretty much can only make shit out of wood.
Posts: 3005 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 12/21/2006 8:34:21 AM
This has been done before and I didn't think all that much of it...until the "I've got a Christmas Miracle working in my pants," line. That made me luagh out loud.
Although you could have called it a "Yule Log" and that would have been pretty funny too. Just me?
Posts: 30 Rank: 115 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Chicago, IL
Posted: 12/21/2006 9:39:54 AM
The, "Just tell the kids that Santa spilled his nog." line was funny.
Anyone else sick of Christmas yet. I feel like the fucking Grinch but I am ready for this shit to be over. The presents, fucking cards and all of the office bullshit. While I act like this all bothers me, my policy of buying as few gifts as possible serves me well.
I hear others complaining about buying gifts and not getting one in return and I laugh because I don't have worry about that. Wait, are they talking about me. Fuck them.
Posts: 154 Rank: 76 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Capital of Awesome, IA
Posted: 12/21/2006 10:01:31 AM
I think I went into an alcohol induced one last weekend after pounding some jack n cokes followed up by SoCo shots. At least I think it was a diabetic coma, it must've been, cuz I don't remember anything.
ATLAS - Could not agree with you more. I'm getting sick of it...you know its bad when you your stomach turns b/c its 2 days BEFORE Thanksgiving and you hear Christmas songs at stores...
I dont buy gifts either (well, as few as possible...). This works well as I hate going to any stores during the 3 most ridiculous times of the year 1) Day after Thanksgiving 2)Whole month of December 3) Tax-Free weekend...people are such whores for "savings".
Posts: 1476 Rank: 17 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 12/21/2006 11:46:21 AM
he is liar, an idol, a blasphemey, and an enemy of baby Jesus! satan klaus is nothing but the unholy manifestation of capitalism come to rob a man's pockets in the dark of night! behold, and be weary of any man that would adorn himself in the pagan sundries of the red devil and his misshapen minions!
ps..great article...unless you really are the red devil klaus, in which case, DIE!
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