Every other Wednesday, Ryan McKee will imagine what it might be like to date your friends. You submit your friend's MySpace page, and he will date them. Maybe even for real.
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The lovely couple.
My friend Tara sent me a link for PositiveSingles.com. Check it out with username: PhatPhree. Password: phatphree.
From the Profile: Username: Ferociouskitty24
Gender: Couple
Marital status: Married
I am living with: HPV (genital warts)
Have children: Yes, they live at home
Occupation: Labor / Construction
About me: We were looking into finding someone we can have some close fun with. She is 5'8 36d, he is 5'7 135 athletic build.
The Preparation
"Are you sure you want the warts so big?" Brooke asks. Since I don't have genital warts, my friend, a make-up artist in Hollywood, is applying some.
"Yeah, totally," I say. "I want to impress them."
"Under four of the warts, I've placed exploding puss packets. Keep this detonator in your pocket and press it when you want them to explode. That should impress them."
"Brooke, you're the best. If I didn't have a serious case of genital warts, I'd marry you."
"But those are fake""
"Shhhh," I put my finger to her lips. "What I meant to say is that I would marry you if you didn't wear that werewolf makeup all the time."
"I don't wear makeup."
The Date
I've never gone on a date with a swingers couple. I'm nervous. Am I supposed to kiss her? Will he want to high-five me after I do? What if they don't like my exploding warts?
Ida, their seven-year old daughter, answers their front door.
"You're G.I. Joe?" she asks with a gap-toothed smile.
Playing along, I say, "No, I'm Cobra Commander and I'm here to kill your family."
She screams and runs in the other room.
"What the fuck?!" says a guy in a wife-beater, holding a bottle of Old Crow. I recognize him from the profile. "Why did you tell her you're a terrorist? Cobra Commander is just the cartoon form of Osama Bin Laden."
"Uh, actually Cobra Commander came before Osama""
A big woman enters.
"Joe, shut up with your stupid Cobra Commander/Osama theories," she says, then turns to me. "Hi, I'm Debra, and I see you've already met Joe. You'll have to excuse our daughter. Earlier, when she asked who was coming over, I told her that mommy is like her Barbie doll. Sometimes Barbie gets sick of Ken and wants to play with G.I. Joe."
"You know I'm standing right fucking here!" screams Joe. "I can hear you."
Tears will begin falling from his eyes any moment.
"Joe, shut the fuck up before I smack you!" she yells, then turns back to me. "I'm sorry, he's just a little intimidated by you."
"Of this faggot? No I'm not!" he yells.
She runs over to him, moving fast for a big woman, and punches him in the gut. He cripples into the easy chair.
Debra and I sit on the couch next to Joe's recliner. He doesn't say much, just pulls off the bottle of Old Crow.
"So, you guys are swingers, huh? That's so money," I say and laugh.
They stare at me blankly.
"You know? Money, from the Jon Favreau movie, Swingers?"
"Hmmm, that's funny," Debra says, but I can tell she doesn't get it. Joe stares straight ahead.
"Anyway Joe," I say. "You work construction?"
"Nah, I work construction," Debra says. "Joe's a pussy, he stays home with Ida."
"That's it! You want her? You can have her!" he yells and storms out the front door.
"I don't want her," I say, but he doesn't hear me over Debra screaming that he's a fucking bum.
She invites me into the kitchen for some venison jerky and a glass of whisky.
"Listen, let me be blunt," she says. "Ever since Joe saw me kill this deer with a Swiss Army knife and drink it's blood, he hasn't been able to get it up."
"That's intimidating."
"Don't wuss out on me. I need to get laid. It's tough when you have genital warts, a impudent husband, and a daughter who believes in Cobra Commander."
"I imagine."
"So let's get to it, drop your pants," she orders.
I remember my fake warts and get excited to show her. But right as I drop my pants, Ida walks around the corner. Her terror-screams make me hit the detonator. Fake puss flies into all of our eyes. It burns like fire ants on acid. Our high-pitched screams sync together, becoming a dog whistle. The family hound dog runs in and bites my leg.
When my vision clears enough to see my cell phone, I call Brooke: "That fake puss is burning my eyes!" I scream.
"You're not supposed to get it in your eyes. It's toxic and will cause glaucoma."
"Shit! Come help me!"
"Well, I can't. I met this guy named Joe at the bar. He's doesn't think I'm masculine like you do."
"Him?! Wait, I never said you were masculine."
"You told me I look like a werewolf."
The deer she killed with a Swiss Army Knife and made into jerky
"I was just kidding"" I plead, but she's already hung up.
As I start to dial 9-1-1, the hound dog stops biting my leg and begins humping it. Explaining this to the ambulance drivers is going to be awkward.
Not the crazy genital wart threesome I had hoped for!
Posts: 1123 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
My Cubicle, CO
Posted: 4/11/2007 12:10:14 PM
OH MAN that was awesome. Short, disgusting, and to the point. The part with the exploding warts getting in everyones eyes made me cry from laughing so hard.
You know something is damn funny when a coworker turns around to ask you if your ok.
Posts: 214 Rank: 16 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Pasadena, CA
Posted: 4/11/2007 12:28:28 PM
Just the mental image of these two with their warts banging away with some other guy is gross even by my standards. I am draining an anal fistula later today just to lighten my day. I do see plenty of gay men with anal warts that need zapping (professionally). We always ask who is so horny that they look at this poor guy's wart ridden sphincter and say, "Oh yeah, I have to stick my pecker in that!" Also, could not find BigNick's profile on the site. Do you use a different name there?
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 4/11/2007 12:31:44 PM
At first I was disapointed that these articles never involved an actual date, but now I like that everything is too fucked up or them to ever even get started.
Big Nick would have beat Debbie with her own construction helmet, revenge fuck her for breathing, popped her warts with a old staple gun, then strangle her with her own Jerky.
Great article! I had to take back a man falling downstairs because I actually went to the site... (yeah I was looking for bumpy arse - so?)...and found one of the team leads for my organization. I'll come back and give you the fifth of five if I'm able to use this information to capture a nice promotion and raise. "Bribe" is like Don Imus; ugly as sin, but still working.
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