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 | | Hop in, baby |
Scranton, PA. Jim Donovan has worked at one time or another for each of the big three automakers as a senior engineer and designer. But every time he got comfortable enough to present his life's work he was laughed out of a job. Now that the Big 3 are in the shitter and begging for money from the government, the timing couldn't be more perfect for Jim to get his dream car to market. 'I will be the star of this year's auto show. And they'll all be kissing my ass, literally.'
Donovan has invented and successfully produced a car that runs on flatulence. 'It's the simplest and most abundant form of renewable energy I know, especially in my house.' He added 'this will reduce our dependence on foreign oil, yet simultaneously improve trade talks with the Middle East. With one bowl of hummus I can improve my 0-60 speed from 8 seconds down to 4!'
The science behind Donovan's vehicle is the Propulsion by Expulsion System. 'The idea behind the PES system is to capture the power of flatulence while harnessing the energy of the methane. Most people don't realize that your average fart is expelled from the anus at speeds over 200 MPH. And the degenerative loss of power during conversion from fart to fuel is minimal, thus providing nearly 180 MPH of stored energy per incident (EPI).' That energy is transferred directly to the drive train and combined with a combustion engine that burns the methane, essentially powering the vehicle. Donovan has concluded that the average mature adult produces ten to twenty EPIs per day, which when stored in the PES system is enough to get from Scranton to Pittsburgh on a single tank.
While the technology behind the DonoVan is impressive, it took even greater ingenuity to figure out the means of capturing flatulence. The key to a successful capture are small flexible Lucite tubes called Power Jars, each about the size of a tampon applicator. Every vehicle comes equipped with Power Jars built into the center of each seat allowing for easy capture. 'It's true that the placement of the Power Jars in the seats do not encourage 'one cheek sneaks', but the beauty of the PES system and the DonoVan overall is that there's no need for subtlety.'
 | | How to hold a Power Jar |
Along with the in-seat Power Jars, the DonoVan also comes equipped with portable or walk-about Power Jars easily stored in the driver's pocket. The driver's manual describes the process as follows: 'When at any point during the day the driver anticipates expulsory activity, he or she simply places the jar's opening beside the anus to capture tomorrow's fuel today.'
Skeptics wonder what will happen when one is expecting mere flatulence and is suddenly presented with a BM. Donovan has a simple answer. 'While the discomfort of shitting on your hand is difficult to get used to, once you realize that the Turbo DonoVan is activated with solid waste you find yourself slightly less disgusted.'
 | | The DonoVan Mascot |
As far as safety is concerned, the DonoVan has met or exceeded federal standards and has even received a 5-star rating for its airbags. 'It's really quite simple,' says safety engineer Gerhard Pfarzenhauer. 'We assume the car will be rendered ineffective after any crash which causes the deployment of airbags. Therefore, all that extra methane is pumped into the airbag system. Since methane is softer than oxygen, the airbags provide similar protection with less facial damage.'
Beyond safety features the DonoVan will also come equipped with power windows and locks, moon roof, 8 speaker surround sound, and a GPS system programmed with every taco stand and Indian restaurant in the country.
The DonoVan is scheduled to be available to the mass market in February 2009. For Donovan, the timing couldn't be more perfect. 'We will have a new president in February and along with his inauguration we will see change embodied in renewed interest and investment in Green technology. And we at DonoVan believe Brown will be the new Green.'
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