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Only freshest in Papel Gear�
Pope Benedict XVI celebrated his first Mass as pontiff, the leader of the Roman Catholic Church, last Wednesday in Rome. The 9 a.m. Mass was held in the Sistine Chapel, where less than 24 hours earlier 115 Roman Catholic cardinals from 52 countries elected their dean, Germany's Joseph Ratzinger, as the 265th pope.
During his first homily as pontiff, Benedict XVI reassured the faithful in attendance that, �we still hate faggots and condoms.�
Afterwards, President Bush called Benedict XVI "a man of great wisdom and knowledge," although he mistakenly referred to him as �Mr. Ecks Vee Eye� several times while being interviewed.
I figured it might be funny to ask the Vatican for an interview and to chronicle the rejections, but as luck would have it, the new Pope is a HUGE fan of the Phat Phree. He agreed, and I flew out to Rome for an exclusive chance to speak to the new man in the funny hat.
The Phat Phree: I�d like to thank you for the opportunity to do this interview.
The Pope: Are you kidding?! I love the Phat Phree. The Striped Shirt article was a riot. That Mike Polk is funny guy. As a matter of fact, the whole staff here can�t get enough of the site. I can�t tell you how many of the Cardinals have been trying the Top 50 Ways to Get Fired. Cardinal Sanchez keeps calling everyone a J � E � W. He loves that joke.
TPP: That�s funny. I had no idea we had such a following in the Vatican. Well, let�s get to it. First of all, I heard you are a really conservative guy. Does this mean that the Church is going to stick to some of its controversial policies regarding women, homosexuals and birth control?
The Pope: That is such a misunderstanding. It is true that I am more traditional when it comes to the rules, but I think you�ll find me very progressive as well. I very much want to connect to the young people. As a matter of fact, we are working on a new television program called Pope My Ride where we put a bulletproof dome and chrome crosses on the cars of kids. It�s going to be the first step in a very aggressive program to recruit youth to the church.
TPP: How do you answer critics who say that the Church�s stance on birth control has worsened the spread of AIDS in the third world?
The Pope: We don�t make the rules. Talk to God about that one. Come on Charlie, where is the funny? You write for a comedy magazine don�t you? Leave the hard questioning to the professionals. By the way, I loved the kids suing the Church over high-carb Communion thing you wrote. Hysterical!
TPP: You�re right. Well let�s talk about the communion wafers a bit. I am a former Catholic, and I always thought the wafers could use a little flavor. How about some options?
The Pope: Oh, I am glad you asked. More of my progressive ideas- I�ve been talking to some marketing people about expanding our line of host wafers. This is another thing that I think will really bring in the kids. We�re going to add a whole line of new flavors and styles to the Body of Christ. We�ve got Redemptionberry-Bananna, Crucimelon Splash, Communal Grape, Pulpit Peach Punch, Adam�s Apple, Triple Chocolate Decadence� I�ve got a million of them.
TPP: Sounds delicious. Might I suggest a Quaker Steak & Lube Suicide Hot Wings flavored host?
The Pope: I�m not familiar, but we�d have to work on the name.
TPP: What is that earpiece you�re wearing? Are you being fed these answers?
The Pope: Oh this? No, no, no. There is an iPod built into my hat. See? I won this from an ad on the Phat Phree.
TPP: Damn� That is sweet. What�s on the Pope�s playlist?
The Pope: Oh man, I�ve got everything on here. AC/DC, some James Brown, a couple tracks from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Tupac, The Police� big Police fan. HUGE. Right now I am listening to The DaVinci Code as read by Patrick Stewart. Fascinating. I had no idea Jesus was married.
TPP: You are certainly one of the best dressed men in the world. You got the fly lid, the bling, the fresh robes� That must be one of the real perks of being Pope, because the Cardinals are always wearing the same drab getup.
The Pope: It�s great, I mean the first time I put on a Papal Robe was back in �84 when John Paul was away on business. Ever since then I knew I had to be Pope. This is absolutely the most comfortable garment I have ever worn.
TPP: So you don�t wear street clothes or anything under there. I mean, are you always in the Robe?
The Pope: Absolutely. It�s this or nothing. I am going commando under this thing. I have to let the boys swing free.
TPP: I heard that. So on the heaven and hell thing, any tricks you can fill us in on?
The Pope: Well, accepting Jesus as your Lord and Savior is up there on the list.
TPP: Any way around that?
The Pope: Two actually. I�ve hidden five golden tickets in our new Milk Chocolate Communion Bars. Every kid who finds one gets into heaven, no questions asked.
TPP: Really? What�s the other one?
The Pope: Well, it's pretty rare, but anyone the Pope fantasizes about while masturbating is also in, but only if he climaxes.
Pope My Ride - Episode 1
TPP: No�
The Pope: Yes. It�s the Papal Exception. It�s in the Bible.
TPP: No it isn�t.
The Pope: The Real Bible.
TPP: Well, since you�ve got the inside scoop, can you tell us whose going heaven and whose going to burn in the eternal flames?
The Pope: Sure.
TPP: Tom Cruise?
The Pope: Hell.
TPP: Joan Collins?
The Pope: Definitely Hell.
TPP: Shatner?
The Pope: Heaven. Nemoy too. Takai is gonna burn.
TPP: Alex Trebek?
The Pope: What is Heaven?
TPP: Christina Agulara?
The Pope: Heaven� I think.
TPP: Really?
The Pope: Papal Exception. Not mine, John Paul�s, but we are a little dicey on it because he was watching a segment on Entertainment Tonight about her and his hand was shaking in his lap from the palsy. One dribbled out, but we�re not sure it was intentional. It was really close to the end and he wasn�t all there. Incidentally, JPII was hung like a train car. We called him �the Polish Sausage.�
TPP: Well that�s all I�ve got for you. We always like to do these quick hitting questions at the end. We call them the Phat 5. You game?
The Pope: Yeah, no problem.
TPP: Okay. The Bible. True or False?
The Pope: False� I kid, I kid. It�s true- every word of it.
TPP: Who was the best Family Feud Host- Richard Dawson, Ray Combs, Louie Anderson, Richard Karn?
The Pope: I�d have to say Karn. The rest are headed to the big oven- one Brit, one suicide and one sloth.
TPP: Sexist Women of All-Time?
The Pope: That�s tough� Mary Lou Retton.
TPP: O.J.- innocent or guilty?
Hanging with the fans
The Pope: Innocent actually. Either that or one of the Popes rubbed one out thinking about him because he�s going to heaven.
TPP: Your dream job?
The Pope: I�m doing it, baby. Gotta keep that Pope hand strong. Popin� ain�t easy.
I spit out my drink when I read the Pope My Ride joke... classic.
Martone
Combs, and...?
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Posted: 4/24/2005 7:46:52 PM
Very funny! But who was the other Family Feud suicide?
Jee
HA!
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Posted: 4/24/2005 10:03:02 PM
I know this is all a joke, but JPII sending Christina A. to heaven through you-know-what is just too far fetched. I just can't believe the top holy would fantasize about her. I mean, with all those curves, there's no way she can pass for a pre-pubescent boy.
Besides that, it's great!
gtiller
funny funny shit
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Posted: 4/25/2005 10:25:38 PM
I'm gonna send this link to all of my catholic friends and see which ones actually talk to me again.
Dave
Why?
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Posted: 4/26/2005 5:25:09 AM
I don't understand you people who think it is funny to make fun of religious figures. The pope is a man who has dedicated his life to the salvation of people all over the World, and some punks like you decide to make joke out of it.
I hope you all find God and realize that making jokes at other people's expense isn't funny. It's sad.
REGDOA
Hey Dave...
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Posted: 4/26/2005 5:26:13 AM
GO FUCK YOURSELF!
Lindsay
I am so going to hell...
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Posted: 4/26/2005 12:01:51 PM
I must be going to hell becuase despite being a Catholic, I thought that article was great. Everyone else just needs to lighten up.
J-E-W
Lighten up
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Posted: 4/27/2005 8:04:22 AM
It isn't like he threw up the child molestation thing up (it's really a problem where I am, guess it is everywhere it exists, but people act like it isn't happening or something. Doublethink) or the Hitler youth thing (probably no way around that..when in Rome do as the Romans). Surprisingly tasteful..The Papal exception thing is fucking brilliant.
Ryan Waddell
Oh man, that is some funny shit right there.
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Posted: 4/27/2005 2:52:57 PM
Oh baby... The Polish Sausage. Hilarious!
And Dave - it's funny to make fun of ANYONE. Not just religious figures.
Rooting against Axis Popes
Dave....
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Posted: 4/28/2005 2:29:45 PM
"The pope is a man who has dedicated his life to the salvation of people all over the World, and some punks like you decide to make joke out of it"
Actually, for a part of his life he was in a Nazi anti-aircrft battalion during WWII, and since my grandfather flew bombing missions over Germany, I can definitively say that the new Pope tried to kill my grandfather, which would have erased my existence ala Marty McFly. And existence is what I mostly do, so from my perspective, f the pope and f you.
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