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Before she couldn't... now she can.
PROVO, UT -- In response to lower than expected returns over the past three fiscal quarters, the Mormon Church is planning sweeping reforms in its marketing strategy, among them testing the long-time marketing axiom that “sex sells.” According to President of the Church Gordon B. Hinckley these changes are being made to keep step with the growing gap between morality and net income.
“What we’re facing here is a growing number of amoral individuals with extraordinary wealth and no religious affiliation,” said Hinckley. “We believe that if we alter our approach we can capture a strong portion of that market sector which has thus far been elusive to us.”
In the past, stringent rules placed upon its members by the church have been a major roadblock for recruiting. The insistence that members must remain abstinent until marriage and remain free of all drugs, including caffeine, have prevented droves of prospects from joining the team.
“We’re rolling out a whole new campaign,” said Hinckley. “With our new slogan, ‘Now you can do more, man,’ we’re really sending a signal that we’re progressive. We’re even rolling out a commercial with a Led Zeppelin song. The message? Go ahead, have a beer. Cozy up with your partner. I mean really, who wants to spend eternity with a bunch of squares anyway? Not me.”
Who would you rather spend eternity with?
Among the changes, the traditional team of two young males in shirts and ties on ten-speed bicycles harassing the neighborhood is slated to be replaced by two scantily clad young women on roller skates. The belief is that this new strategy will aide in attracting the 18-35 year-old male market, a key demographic for every religion.
“The Catholics, Protestants, Baptists, et cetera are really missing the boat on this one,” said religious analyst Hazelton Marcus. “The Mormons have developed a proven strategy for success in today’s marketplace. It should be a bullish year for them with some very robust returns.”
Most prognosticators estimate the fiscal impact will result in an increase in revenues by over twenty-percent by the end of the year.
“Not long ago we could rely on our parish to provide substantial income through traditional means,” said Hinckley. “But those days are behind us. We’re in a competitive market here. It’s sink or swim, survival of the fittest - Darwinism at its finest.”
With the increased revenues, the Mormon Church is expected to continue purchasing large stakes in major corporations and huge parcels of land upon which extraordinary temples will be built, all the while working toward their continuing goal of world domination.
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