Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
You may now touch this!
Dear Mandy,
I know it's been a long time since we've spoken, fourteen years to be exact, but I (as well as my therapist) feel that I probably owe you some long overdue explanations for a few of the actions that took place on the magical night we spent together.
Before I begin, I would like to once again thank you for taking a chance on a mid-semester transfer student during the biggest event of the spring; the 1991 Apollo Junior High, Star-Seeker Extravaganza. The sympathy and generosity that you displayed in accepting my three-page, hand written request by checking the 'yes' box has not been forgotten, even though Susan Dobson later told me that you only accepted because you had assumed that I was retarded.
Ok, here it goes, things I’m sorry for (chronologically):
6:18 PM - My mom's "awesome" new car that I promised you we could ride in to the dance. To be fair, I thought the 1988 Ford Festiva had a lot of potential, and if my folks had sprung for air conditioning or even a tape deck, this may not have even made the list.
6:32 PM - Getting blood on your new dress. My nose has a tendency to start bleeding when my allergies are acting up or when I get really nervous. It was either the particularly high pollen count or the switch blade your father kept rubbing against his crotch which caused my nostril fountain to unleash it's fury on your new ensemble.
7:05 PM - Not asking you to dance when that Bryan Adams song from Robin Hood was played. It would have been the perfect opportunity, but I thought it was a little too early in the night to blow my load on a slow dance, and also I was still extremely dizzy from the excessive blood loss.
7:08 PM - Asking you to dance when I Wanna Sex You Up, by Color Me Badd was played. I went through five plastic cups of punch during the prior song building up the nerve to ask you. The song choice was in no way a reflection of my intentions. It was, however, quite the provocative selection by our DJ/ gym teacher, Mr. Turmose.
This is how I roll.
7:41 PM - Attempting a dope ass running man into a hand stand during Gonna Make You Sweat, by C & C Music Factory. Had I known that I would have mis-stepped and unintentionally fallen, ramming my head into your ovaries, and almost certainly ruining the chance of you ever bearing children, I would have played it a bit safer.
8:09 PM - Performing what could best be described as a free-form version of the Cabbage Patch during Do Me, by Bell Biv Devoe. Even though you were still being attended to by the school nurse, I could see you leering at me while I was on the dance floor, alone, flailing my arms about like I was either boxing a kangaroo or on fire (or boxing a kangaroo who was on fire), and you looked shamed, even from a distance.
8:22 PM - Calling you a "dirty cum guzzling whore" for dancing with Brian Trevorman. I now see that it was pre-mature of me to have assumed that you had been in the bathroom giving him a hand job when I went to refill your punch glass. I had no idea that you tutored him after his special ed. classes, or that he was blind.
8:47 PM - Trying to feel you up in the back seat of the Festiva on the way home. Admittedly, I underestimated the toll that the night’s previous mishaps had taken on our relationship. Also sorry for calling you a cock tease (even though you were).
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Before I go, a couple other things I forgot to apologize for:
- Telling you I was as "Cool as Ice." I really wasn’t. - Telling you that my MC Hammer pants were imported from Italy. They were actually just Zubaz that my Grandma had bought from the sale rack at Marshall's. - Shaving your name into my head beneath a Nike swoosh logo. I really can’t explain this one.
Again, very sorry, Brandon Gnetz
P.S. Also really sorry about driving by your house four to five times a night wearing a cheer leading outfit that I accidentally took from your gym locker. That was in high school though, and may require it's own letter.
8:22 PM had me laughing my ass off. Good stuff Brandon!
Mandy
You are forgiven
()
Post #: 2
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 5/24/2005 2:52:07 PM
Brandon, You were right about me and Brian in the bathroom. I forgive you
-Mandy Trevorman
Meathead
Real men don't dance
()
Post #: 3
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 5/24/2005 4:00:19 PM
While you were out embarrassing yourself on the dance floor, I was whoopin some ass at the arm wrestling tables. That's right, challenging anyone. With my Skoal Bandit tobacco in my upper lip or side of my mouth to hide it from the Music Teacher (Kodiak makes my tummy hurt). Then maybe once or twice a night I would slow dance with some chic, she would basically faint in my arms cause I'm such a stud. She would tell her friends she couldn't breathe because of all the Drakar cologne I had on-that's right top notch-but I knew it was because she new I was the shit. Then as soon as the slow song was over it's back to the table to kick some more ass. Every once in awhile you might get me dancing to a fast song if I put two Skoal Bandits in and get a buzz going. Then look out!
Dave
too bad this...
()
Post #: 4
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 5/24/2005 4:10:33 PM
got run on the same day as the Animal Fucker piece. It is hilarious and I am sure would have gotten a better response.
Steve
Great job
()
Post #: 5
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 5/24/2005 4:53:36 PM
Excellent piece! This is the stuff that keeps me coming back. Look forward to seeing more.
qw
good read
()
Post #: 6
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 5/27/2005 3:48:37 AM
i thought this would as lame as everything else I have been trashing on tonight. thanks for the disappointment
Tyrone
Paths we choose
()
Post #: 7
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 5/31/2005 9:45:33 AM
Brandon- I am so sorry that you had to endure this horrible night but if you would have accepted my date for this event you would have gotten some and I would have loved to have been dominated by your fine self in the back of the festiva. You were my dream guy I always enjoyed wathcing you in the boys locker room. I was so sorry I tainted your reputation by thinking and acting on my thoughts that you were gay but I guess we all need to apologize for something. Thanks for listening.
Ty
Dude
Whoa!
()
Post #: 8
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 5/31/2005 6:23:55 PM
Tryone. Seriously . . . . . Whoa. I'm scared for all parties involved in that last comment.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Posts: 
