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Posted: 10/8/2006
This is not what flight attendants look like
I jumped on the World Wide Web the other day to check the ol’ warmmail inbox and happened upon a linked article called “Meet the Woman of Your Dreams.” Since I am always up for meeting dream-women and because I only get my dating advice from MSN Dating and Personals, I followed the link to certain love utopia. What I found was a list of seven types of women characterized by their occupations that make up “dream dates” according to some dude named Dan Bova. This is where the article stops maki...
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5. Gymnastics instructor - they're bendy 4. Liquor store owner - I'm friends with one, and can only imagine how much cooler it would be if I dated her 3. Pro Sports cheerleader - strictly bragging rights 2. Bartender - yeah I'm stealing this one, too good to pass on 1. Professional beer maker/rent payer/house cleaner/threesome with her hot friend haver/let's me do what ever I wanter/not a slut - Once I find her, I'm gonna marry her, and clip a tracking tag on her ear
antony
dream dates? sounds like a gameshow
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Posted: 10/9/2006 10:20:14 AM
5. any woman that has ever been a 'prison bitch' - need i say more? (career criminal/salad tossing champion) 4. any woman that has been in more than 5 fist fights in her life, and still has all of her teeth (k1 kickboxing maybe?) 3. female professional wrestler (preferrably one with the last name mcmahon and the first name stephanie...pre-baby) 2. any mexican/central/south american indian woman that doesn't speak english, that carries a basket on a daily basis, thats under the age of 37 1. any woman that gets paid by NOW...
Christine
Nicely done Matt
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Posted: 10/9/2006 11:51:51 AM
my list for men:
5. Dirty sweaty construction worker- dumb as a stump 4. Cop 3. Fireman 2. Art dealer ( i just always wanted to say, "oh, yes, he's an art dealer") 1. dirty, sweaty, poorer than me, soulful lead singer of a grungey band.
What's wrong with me??
nevermind. don't answer that.
Big Red
My List
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Posted: 10/9/2006 11:54:17 AM
1) Cop (um, think Roselyn Sanchez, not Abe Vigoda). I could finally take the damn cruise control off of 68, since I wouldn’t have to worry about speeding tickets anymore. Plus the cuffs would come in handy.
2) Professional Fluffer – Need I explain?
3) Pastry Chef – I love the smell of fresh-baked cinnamon rolls in the morning.
4) Juan Valdez’s Daughter – I’d like a good cup of coffee to go along with my fresh-baked cinnamon roll. Plus just think of the residuals she’ll be raking in when her old man goes to see the Great Bean Picker in the Sky. I’d settle for a Starbucks™ barista in a pinch, though they tend to be juuuust a bit too perky for my taste.
5) Hugh Hefner – Well, I guess it would be more of a double (or hopefully triple) date. I’d basically just hang out with him, laugh at his jokes, and take his rejects.
Christine
Anthony
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Posted: 10/9/2006 11:56:06 AM
I got all my teeth........
fixed.
Pat
antony
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Posted: 10/9/2006 12:08:00 PM
2. any mexican/central/south american indian woman that doesn't speak english, that carries a basket on a daily basis, thats under the age of 37
Have you been to South America? I was in Bolivia two months ago, and those women might be 20, but they all look approximately 84 years old. They do have sweet bowler hats though.
Eugene
Big Red
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Posted: 10/9/2006 12:27:07 PM
"2) Professional Fluffer – Need I explain?"
Ah yeah, you do need to expain. Why the fuck would you want to date a dirty whore who's too nasty to actually be in the movie, and whose job is to keep deseased porn stars hard? That is the last "profession" I would ever date, you sick fuck...
But not as sick as Antony. Look at his fucking list and tell me he doesn't need years of intensive therapy.
Great article.
Grade: A
Charlie Sheen
Ahem
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Posted: 10/9/2006 12:45:43 PM
Christine:
Apparently you FORGOT to mention
1. Coked-up, smirky comedy actor from famous family, who's practically a contortionist
on your list. Ahem.
My list:
1. Contortionist. With nice rack.
antony
revenge of the nerds?
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Posted: 10/9/2006 12:54:25 PM
Pat- i have been central amercia (honduras) and yes i know what most of the women look like, but i'm not a vain self-righteous asshole, so i have no problem showering them in my serendipitous semen (that makes no sense, but it sounds funny)
eugene- i do not need therapy, i just enjoy it a little rough sometimes...i figured a hard-line republican like you would understand, but i guess you are still hanging out with those candyass "peace, love, and chicken grease" hippies when it comes to sexual adventure.
christine- i heart you. and your teeth. for bonus points, how are the knuckles?
vertigo
nice
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Posted: 10/9/2006 1:11:06 PM
Article was very good, I'll pass the courvoisier Matt.
5. Residential Real Estate Agent: Those chicks are aggressive and presentable enough to take to your christmas party. Type of chick you could bang in the bathroom of a bar and/or restaurant. These women are eager to prove something, and know how to close.
4. Secretary: Her expectations of men are low after being either bitched at or flirted with by old fat boss types. You smell like a rose with a simple "He doesn't understand women." or "He must have a small dick.", being under 55 years old, and weighing under 220. Should be a layup.
3. Hair Stylist: These girls are so much fun on the town, definitely will do rails with you, free haircuts, and surrounded by gay men at work all day. Only downside:like to go out sundays since they are off monday.
2. Film critic. She's smart, she's into film, she can debate the merits of Brianna Banks' work with you, tied up on the weekend watching screenings so you can hit the town with the rest of your rotation. Tough to beat.
1. Pediatrician: She's bright, wealthy, and around kids so much no way she wants any. Used to patients hitting on nurses so loves any attention at all. Plenty of utensils at her disposal for use on you or her. Can probably recommend a good place to get that rash checked out.
be-atch
great article?
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Posted: 10/9/2006 3:09:45 PM
eewgene, how does this 'gurge merit the label merit the label "article" mucho menos "great article"???
DLamp
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Posted: 10/9/2006 4:12:40 PM
5. Avril Lavigne - What can I say, I like being spit on and called a 'bitch' by faux punk rockers.
4. Professional Dirt Bike Rider - Just for the novelty. And high probability of tattoos and nipple rings.
3. Butcher - Here is how every conversation would go: Me: How was your day, baby? Her: Not bad, we got a bad batch of meat and... Me: Speaking of meat... Then I would giggle uncontrolably and calm her down by swearing to never do it again, even though I know I will do it the next time we talk. Who's she to turn me away, she's a fucking butcher!
2. Short little Asian twins with nice racks that are freshmen in college and just discovering drinking - I seriously hired these girls at my job in college and actually went out with both of them. Unfortunately, that is the end of my Penthouse letter.
1. A sexy young librarian (w/ glasses) - What? I just really like to read.
simon
Bad Ass
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Posted: 10/9/2006 4:30:25 PM
This is fucking hilarious:
"3: One of Those Hot Mexican Girls that Work at Chipotle. I love burritos."
bostongraf
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Posted: 10/9/2006 5:37:26 PM
5) Bartender / Waitress - Discounted or Free booze, and great after hours parties. Also, generally not available at night, so you can still go to the bars with the guys 4) Nurse - Generally caring person that can hook you up to an IV to rehydrate you on those seriously hung over mornings. 3) Doctor - See nurse, plus add tons of cash. 2) Victoria's Secret model - These are the truly sexy models. They make tons of cash. They may be vacant, but those curves do not have eating disorders. 1) ex-Model - She's hot, but doesn't think she is any more. She's had to make her living outside of modelling, so she's not as vacant. She knows how to party, but has learned to keep it in control. This is the woman that has been everything you ever thought you wanted, and has come back down to earth...
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