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This is not what flight attendants look like
I jumped on the World Wide Web the other day to check the ol’ warmmail inbox and happened upon a linked article called “Meet the Woman of Your Dreams.” Since I am always up for meeting dream-women and because I only get my dating advice from MSN Dating and Personals, I followed the link to certain love utopia. What I found was a list of seven types of women characterized by their occupations that make up “dream dates” according to some dude named Dan Bova. This is where the article stops making sense.
Dream Date #1: Flight Attendant
Seriously. A stewardess is number 1 on Dan’s list of dream dates. I (and presumably you) don’t get it. Why in the hell would a sane man fantasize about dating a flight attendant? Unless of course, this man had a things for older ladies named Gertrude or Helen who wear their hair in buns and who are King Kong biotches (yes I did say biotches, it doesn’t sound right with 2 syllables), but this in itself contradicts the previous statement about said man being uncrazy. The only good thing about dating a stewardess would be getting as many free pretzels and warm Mountain Dews as you can handle and the fact that you would never actually see her. Dream Date #1: Cranky, Disheveled, Old Bitch—sign me up.
Dream Date #2: Massage Therapist
In comparison to Dream Date #1, this one seems to make a big pile of sense. You arrive home from a hard day’s work and call up your new girlfriend so she can help with a lumbar rearrangement followed by a little rub and tug with a happy ending. But when you get to thinking about it, that would never happen. This is basically the same as asking the zookeeper you are dating to come over and shovel your feces off the bedroom floor—she does not want to take her work home with her. Besides, I don’t think you even need a GED to be a masseuse. Dream Date #2: Really Stupid Girl That Will Never Give You a Massage—yes please.
Dream Date #3: Bartender
Some non-sarcastic kudos to Mr. Bova on this one—bartender is the only occupation that I would include on my list of dream dates. Yes, if she is a beer-wench then she probably has a learning disability, but can you say discounted Irish Carbombs?
Dream Date #4: Model
Look at those jumbo nipples
Dream Date #4: Coked-Out Archetype That Tastes Like Vomit and Thinks She Is Way Too Hot for Me but Only Models for the Sears Catalogue—yippee.
Dream Date #5: Chef
Your chef girlfriend will probably enjoy cooking for you, but do you know for whom she will enjoy cooking even more? Herself. Dream Date #4: Permanently Bloated Cook That Will NEVER Lose Her Love for Food (and thus will retain her giant ass)—lovely.
Dream Date # 6: The Boss
Every girlfriend that I have ever had wanted to boss me around, why in the fuck would I want one that has a lust for domination and license to do so? No thanks.
Dream Date #7: Sex Writer
Wife beaters: apropos for any occasion
I must confess, I don’t even know what a sex writer is. Are those the people who write those pink novels that sport those dudes with oversized nipples on the front? If I am right, I don’t know a man on earth that reads that shit, so I am sure a conversation with a woman who writes that garbage would be a real treat. And if I am wrong, I guess a “sex writer” is another word for a “slut”. Everyone knows that writers are just a group of people who are too ugly and anti-social to be on television anyway.
Here is my list of dream dates in particular order. #5: Amusement Park Operator. She can sneak me into Cedar Point or Worlds of Fun whenever I want and knows the best place to get the cheapest Sour Patch Kids. #4: Bartender. See above plus the fact that the only time that I see her out is when she is working and is not actually able to speak to me. #3: One of Those Hot Mexican Girls that Work at Chipotle. I love burritos. #2: Doctor. Do you have any idea how much she will be able to save me on health insurance? #1: President of the WBCA. The president of the Wife-Beater Club of America would be a good catch. I would probably have sex with that chick from Murder She Wrote if she was wearing a wife-beater.
What is your list of dream dates (females please participate as well—I need to figure out what profession to transfer to)?
5. Gymnastics instructor - they're bendy 4. Liquor store owner - I'm friends with one, and can only imagine how much cooler it would be if I dated her 3. Pro Sports cheerleader - strictly bragging rights 2. Bartender - yeah I'm stealing this one, too good to pass on 1. Professional beer maker/rent payer/house cleaner/threesome with her hot friend haver/let's me do what ever I wanter/not a slut - Once I find her, I'm gonna marry her, and clip a tracking tag on her ear
antony
dream dates? sounds like a gameshow
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Posted: 10/9/2006 10:20:14 AM
5. any woman that has ever been a 'prison bitch' - need i say more? (career criminal/salad tossing champion) 4. any woman that has been in more than 5 fist fights in her life, and still has all of her teeth (k1 kickboxing maybe?) 3. female professional wrestler (preferrably one with the last name mcmahon and the first name stephanie...pre-baby) 2. any mexican/central/south american indian woman that doesn't speak english, that carries a basket on a daily basis, thats under the age of 37 1. any woman that gets paid by NOW...
Christine
Nicely done Matt
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Posted: 10/9/2006 11:51:51 AM
my list for men:
5. Dirty sweaty construction worker- dumb as a stump 4. Cop 3. Fireman 2. Art dealer ( i just always wanted to say, "oh, yes, he's an art dealer") 1. dirty, sweaty, poorer than me, soulful lead singer of a grungey band.
What's wrong with me??
nevermind. don't answer that.
Big Red
My List
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Posted: 10/9/2006 11:54:17 AM
1) Cop (um, think Roselyn Sanchez, not Abe Vigoda). I could finally take the damn cruise control off of 68, since I wouldn’t have to worry about speeding tickets anymore. Plus the cuffs would come in handy.
2) Professional Fluffer – Need I explain?
3) Pastry Chef – I love the smell of fresh-baked cinnamon rolls in the morning.
4) Juan Valdez’s Daughter – I’d like a good cup of coffee to go along with my fresh-baked cinnamon roll. Plus just think of the residuals she’ll be raking in when her old man goes to see the Great Bean Picker in the Sky. I’d settle for a Starbucks™ barista in a pinch, though they tend to be juuuust a bit too perky for my taste.
5) Hugh Hefner – Well, I guess it would be more of a double (or hopefully triple) date. I’d basically just hang out with him, laugh at his jokes, and take his rejects.
Christine
Anthony
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Posted: 10/9/2006 11:56:06 AM
I got all my teeth........
fixed.
Pat
antony
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Posted: 10/9/2006 12:08:00 PM
2. any mexican/central/south american indian woman that doesn't speak english, that carries a basket on a daily basis, thats under the age of 37
Have you been to South America? I was in Bolivia two months ago, and those women might be 20, but they all look approximately 84 years old. They do have sweet bowler hats though.
Eugene
Big Red
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Posted: 10/9/2006 12:27:07 PM
"2) Professional Fluffer – Need I explain?"
Ah yeah, you do need to expain. Why the fuck would you want to date a dirty whore who's too nasty to actually be in the movie, and whose job is to keep deseased porn stars hard? That is the last "profession" I would ever date, you sick fuck...
But not as sick as Antony. Look at his fucking list and tell me he doesn't need years of intensive therapy.
Great article.
Grade: A
Charlie Sheen
Ahem
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Posted: 10/9/2006 12:45:43 PM
Christine:
Apparently you FORGOT to mention
1. Coked-up, smirky comedy actor from famous family, who's practically a contortionist
on your list. Ahem.
My list:
1. Contortionist. With nice rack.
antony
revenge of the nerds?
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Posted: 10/9/2006 12:54:25 PM
Pat- i have been central amercia (honduras) and yes i know what most of the women look like, but i'm not a vain self-righteous asshole, so i have no problem showering them in my serendipitous semen (that makes no sense, but it sounds funny)
eugene- i do not need therapy, i just enjoy it a little rough sometimes...i figured a hard-line republican like you would understand, but i guess you are still hanging out with those candyass "peace, love, and chicken grease" hippies when it comes to sexual adventure.
christine- i heart you. and your teeth. for bonus points, how are the knuckles?
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