Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Breaking up is certainly not something one should look forward to, but it does give the dumper the chance to flex his or her creative muscle in order formulate an airtight and plausible case that will not cause the dumpee to exercise his or her nasolacrimal ducts excessively. In other words, the dumper doesn't want to make the dumpee cry because that shit is awkward. When the ole' let-things-peter- out-by-ignoring-her (him)-most-of-the-time strategy fails, the dumper might actually have to nut up and send a trusty email (text messageâ�"also good) informing her that they shall no longer be seeing much of each other. Or worse yet, in longer relationships, he might actually have to pick up the phone or even"gasp" go to her house. And when he gets there, this is the type of shit he might say:
The confusion
One of the most common ways of avoiding a sobbing/snot-filled scene of the recently broken-hearted is by confusion. In this case, confusion is an antonym of "the truth'. The use of confusion tactics allow the dumper to get away without necessarily making the dumpee feel like caterpillar poo. Let's take a look at a few confusion tactics (from a male's point of view).
"I think that we should see other people." Translation: I think that I should see other people while you continue to fester in a post-breakup funk and are decidedly NOT seeing other people. I want you on my back burner, so that if it turns out that I am not quite as cool as I thought I was, you will be there to re-inflate my ego and re-slob my knob (how inappropriate).
"I am not ready for a relationship." Translation: I am not ready for a relationship"with you. If you were more hot, less overweight, didn't have that mustache, or owned a hottub, jetski, or a more expansive collection of digital video discs, I might consider it.
"It's not you, it's me." Translation: It is definitely you. For more information, see Seinfeld episode number 70 of season 5; The Lip Reader.
"I don't have time for a relationship right now." Translation: I don't have time for all that relationshippy bullshit that I hate doing. Here is a list of things I don't have time for: dates, dinners, cuddling, speaking on the telephone, anything to do with your parents, walking/talking to/hearing about your fucking dog. Here is a list of things I do have time for: blowjobs, movies, videogames, intercourse, drinking, you bringing me Burger King at 2 AM.
"I think that we should just be friends." Translation: you've packed a few lb's onto your backside and I don't think your frame handles the extra weight that well. I find you physically revolting and while I don't really want to be your friend either (I try not to be friends with fatties), I figure it is better for my rep than dating you.
"You deserve much better than someone like me." Translation: I have done something so heinous that I deserve a one-way ticket on Southwest Airlines straight to hell. The flight will be crowded and bumpy and they will serve me warm, ice-less, Pepsi-cola and I won't be able to recline my seat. When I get to my destination, it will be all white and there will be some bigass pearly gates. I will walk on fluffy white clouds and Jesus will be there. But just as I get to the front of the line, he will say "psych!' and pull a lever, opening a trapdoor beneath me that will plummet me to the depths of eternal damnation.
So you should go ahead and move on to someone else.
"I need to take some time to find myself." Translation: Remember that time when I specifically told you that I was going to take an evening to play cards with my friends? And then you showed up anyway, makeup-less and in sweat pants to hover over my shoulder like a homely pterodactyl? And then you kept saying, "this game looks stupid"? Remember that? Do you? Well that was fucking infuriating. So now you have two-folded my reasons for dumping you. Not only are you a chronic clinger, but if I don't get rid of you my friends won't let me play cards anymore.
"I love you, I am just not in love with you." Translation: I don't know what love is, but this sure as cock isn't it.
"I think we should take a break." Translation: I have a female prospect that is driving hard to the hoop and I need to take some time off so that I can bang her without fear of my conscious barring the way to her ladyparts.
Blatant Lies
I think they are still friends
When confusion doesn't seem to capture the essence of a breakup, a straight-up, flat-out lie might be more in order. The possibilities for lies are infinite, and the dumper has free reign to make up the most asinine shit that he things he can get away with, but here might be an example:
"I have aids." (I do not see any circumstance where this might not work)
Or
"I am a homosexual." Translation: I wish I were gay so that I wouldn't have to deal with the female genetic predisposition to crazy.
Or
"I am an aids-ridden homosexual." All that homo love caused me to get one of those pesky std's, and it won't wash off.
Or
"I have bad news. The federal government just outlawed premarital relationships. So it looks like we are going to have to stop seeing each other." Translation: You are really really stupidâ�"like scientologist-stupid. And I am going to insult this low intelligence with a lie that is a governmental impossibility.
The Truth
While usually not your best bet, sometimes the truth can be a more helpful tool in terminating a relationship. However, it must be cautioned that this tool, we will call it the "truth backhoe', will do a lot more damage than your standard "lie shovel'. Here are some of the more common non-lie breakup lines:
"I don't love you." Ouch.
"I am moving to Hawaii." Translation: I am moving to Hawaii. You are that terrible.
This is what a truth backhoe looks like
"I don't find you attractive." Translation: I don't find you attractive which means that you are not attractive, which means that you are ugly. You are ugly.
"I have met someone else" and she is willing to do that thing that you wouldn't do.
"I cannot fucking stand you. Every morning that I wake up next to you is a morning that my self-respect declines and bring me that much closer to taking a skydiving trip through a helicopter field." Translation: I cannot fucking stand you. Every morning that I wake up next to you is a morning that my self-respect declines and bring me that much closer to taking a skydiving trip through a helicopter field.
Excellent line, if she'll do that I might be out of the game for a while. If she wakes up and makes biscuits from scratch the next morning? We have a Mrs. Vertigo.
Posts: 368 Rank: 22 Joined:
2/21/2007
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 4/4/2007 12:10:13 PM
I've heard the whole "Translation: It's definitely you" shpiel abount 100 times before, so I felt like this got off to a slow start. That said, there were some good original twists in here ("skydiving trip through a helicopter field"), so I gave it four crying-blind bitches falling down stairs.
"The confusion" break-up approach is classic. Creatively lying to break it off with a stupid girl is almost as much fun as sleeping with the same girl's room mate.
And for the record, i used the moving to Hawaii break up truth. As i recall i told her, "My work is getting pretty busy here, the time difference is too much of a hassle, you're a raging bitch, please don't come visit me, sleeping with tourists in Waikiki is fucking awesome. Don't call me."
Posts: 59 Rank: 74 Joined:
3/29/2007
Location:
4th Ring of Hell, MO
Posted: 4/4/2007 12:16:16 PM
Vertigo: My gf *did* make me biscuits and gravy the other morning (the biscuits weren't made from scratch, but that's just splitting hairs). And last night, she had pizza waiting for me when I got home after band rehearsal. She tried the "I think we should take a break" lie a few weeks ago, but I "convinced" her that she's got everything she needs right here. And now she's got pizza waiting for me when I get home late. I'd call that a "keeper"...
your gf is fucking every member of your band except you. and that wasn't buttermilk in those biscuits.
The drummer from Def Leopord's only got one arm, but he's slappin your girl on the ass while doin her from behind while your butchering the shit out of old 80's hair bands music.
Posts: 1142 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
My Cubicle, CO
Posted: 4/4/2007 12:29:46 PM
Plus i got my laptop fixed and I'm now moving my stuff to the share drive, Everything's coming up Milhouse. In the mean time I have a new game: What is your worst breakup, either end.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
